Published February 7, 2010
*The new version is here: topic60138.html*
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140,340 Literary Works • 673,114 Reviews
Thanks.
*Sigh*
sorry to hear that.
Didn't we all?
Sorry if I sounded mean in my review of your work. Life hasn't been nice to me, plus I was feeling rather drowsy at the time that I was reading it. I'm usually functioning on around four hours of sleep.
but most people making the movies are in it for the money and fame. I'm not really like that. It's kind of sad what's happening to the condition of movies. I grew up seeing Hollywood fall from its peak of movie-making.
As far as I know it's only worked every so often. Avatar is an example of this. Chock full of cliches, but it still over threw many cinema giants. Heck, it took Titanic's crown of highest world wide movie grossing. But, of course not many people are looking for an involved plot now and days.
-Good day to you sir.
Well, I fixed certain elements that were wrong with the script, but here's what I didn't.
Yeah, my script-writing device does that for some reason. I've tried to fix it on YWS, but it won't let me.
Um... was he supposed to be a genius? I could have sword he was just a guy helping Ken.
Well, I need to explain the story, don't I? This isn't a book, and you'll see, when it is filmed, that it was a lot shorter than you realize.
well, it's one scene, so there hasn't been much character development. I wasn't expecting anybody to.
If you know anything about writing movies at all, you would know that the plot, no matter how cheesy or overused it has been, you can still make it good by your actors and writing skills.
That is just awkward. How about, "Ah, that's"
You still have entire enter spaces between the names and dialogue. Didn't Light_Devil! tell you about how wrong that was? I guess I'll just clarify it.
KEN:
It's a CD or DVD of some sort.
That line was pretty cheesy, and you misspelled that big "t word" the proper spelling is, "technologically" Another issue is that the first period could very easily be a comma, thus you'd have to lowercase the "I" in it.
Edited, but I left your giant enter space. I'll let you fix that. *Throws head back and laughs like a mad man*
I believe that first comma should be omitted. Shoot it down!
The word, "really" made the guy sound really unprofessional.
Big block of dialogue. Found a little mistake where you should change, "an" to "a" Look at the blue.
Seriously? The guy who is supposed to be like a genius would use that word in that manner?
The repeated "wait" doesn't work for me, sorry.
Closing comments:
I would have covered everything, but I am very tired and was about to pass out on my keyboard.
I did not feel much attachment for the characters. Most of the dialogue was cheesy to me. And the whole brainwashing by secret government agencies has been done to death. I haven't read your original as it was deleted, so I can't do any comparing and contrasting here.
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