Published May 23, 2010
ERADICATION (Scene One)
(We open to a glass of red wine, which is trembling slightly. Suddenly, a hand reaches out, and lifts the glass out of the camera's view. We cut to a close-up of Keith Webber, drinking the liquid. We cut to the glass, being put back down on the small tray. We cut back to Keith. He looks up, staring at something past the camera)
KEITH:
Do you want to know why I am doing this to you?
COREY SMYTHE:
(In distance)
'Cause you're a psycho?
(Keith chuckles, then puts a toothpick in his mouth)
KEITH:
No, Corey. It's because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. All you had to do was give me your word that you weren't gonna say something. Now I have to kill you.
COREY:
I'm not going to die by your hand.
KEITH:
You think I won't do it?
COREY:
I don't doubt your capabilities, but I'm going to outrun you. I'm good at that, see?
KEITH:
I see. But I've had runners before. It doesn't perturb me. Unless they're really, really motivated. So tell us, Mr. Smythe...
(We cut to a close-up of Keith picking up a pistol that is sitting on his lap)
KEITH
...What is freedom to you?
(We cut to Corey, walking through a field, at nightfall)
SUBTITLE-3 Days Earlier
There are three gunshots, heard in the distance. When they sound, Corey looks up, turns around, and runs towards the noise. We cut to him, walking through the entrance to the field. We then cut to Keith, dressed in a dark trench-coat. He jogs past Corey, then stops, turns around, and looks Corey in the eye. We cut to a close-up, of a pistol in his hand. We cut to a close-up of Corey, who looks bewildered)
COREY:
What did you just--
(Keith puts a finger to his lips, then police sirens are heard in the distance. Keith turns around, and runs off down the street. We cut to the opening titles)
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Well I like the drama, but it seems kind of cliched. I've seen a hundred things where it opens with a scene like that, and then when you're on the edge of your seat it cuts to whatever amount of time before to explain what happened. Very fun if done right. It looks like you could pull it off, you've got it all worked out, and I can feel the intensity.
It wouldn't hurt to do something original though.
WoW. I'm a film enthusiast and have made quite a few. This looks like a very very nicely made script. I might only suggest that each cut is separate and not put into paragraph form. Easy to miss shots like that.
As for content, very very nice. i love the cut to three days later.
you might want to let the gun in Kieths lap be seen in the first shot to him. the nightfall scene could also be given a little more framing description. Setting? field good. so country right? you might want to specify were the location is. thats obviously an option though. How about putting the moon over Kieths shoulder in the frame? might add to the creepy celestial look.
happy scripting
-deify
Hello
(You see, I told you).
Well this is my first shot at reviewing a script and I am pretty sure what I have to say will not be of assistance to you. But, I did like the drama. It's very thrilling and it drew me in quite a lot. Interesting stuff. And your stage directions, I can tell that you really know what you are doing. Good job
Hey, I'm not sure how to go about critiquing scripts, but I'll try my best. I honestly couldn't find anything horribly wrong with this. It sounds like the type of thing that I would love watching. You've built up tons of suspense and have left me wondering about this Corey character, what he did, why he's about to get shot, what's happening, etc. Keith seems a little bit on the cliché side, maybe a tad too mysterious in his dark trench coat.
Other than that, you did a fantastic job and I hope you post some more of this soon. I want to know what happens!
Embee