Published January 16, 2016
There was someone in her house. People really had no sense of decency anymore. Ever since the latest locking spell had been leaked and consequently deconstructed, everyone seemed to think they could go where they pleased. Short of hiring a guard for her very humble abode, there wasn't much Emrin could do about this latest trend. Not until the Court implemented a new locking spell. Though it was only a temporary repreave, the cycle never truly halting.
She reached for the hefty club she had hidden near her door for just such an occassion. You never knew when you'd have to bludgeon someone these days. She pushed the door open, raising the club over her head. The kitchen was empty and the house seemed silent but blood was smeared across the floor. That had definitely not been there when she had left last night. She thanked the Greats that she'd worn her soft-soled boots for once and carefully made her way towards the living room. Peeking around the doorframe, she found a man sitting in her favourite chair. He held his head tiredly in his one hand.
"Ghan?" His head shot up immediately, eyes focussing not on her but on something behind her. Suddenly, the club she still held was wrenched from her grip. Arms enveloped her, pinning her to a large body, and a knife found its way to her jugular. Emrin froze. It was the only sane thing to do really.
Ghan stumbled to his feet, pushing the chair backwards.
"Don't hurt her." It took a moment before the pressure on her neck eased somewhat. A grim silence ensued. Just as Ghan seemed to want to say something, a pain-filled groan erupted from her couch. A man lay there, at least she presumed it was a man. She could only see so well without actually turning her head. Ghan looked to the couch, then to the man holding her, and then into her eyes. He seemed apologetic for a man that had led the leaky man on the couch and the psychopath at her back to her doorstep. Emrin held his gaze and cleared her throat. Only one way to the truth...
"So, what's this about Ghan?"
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this would certainly make for an awesome first chapter this one...its got all the right ingredients that you want, its pretty easy to follow as well, its just a nicely written piece of work.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh dear, if one locking spell is all that's available across an entire well...um world or country or region....well that is definitely not sounding like it would make for all that good of a system, no wonder people are just taking total advantage of it...although how the court itself hasn't been overrun with that much of a lack of protection is also quite startling. Well at any rate its an interesting tidbit of backstory to get a story started off on. Well, let's see where this is headed then.
Oh dear, blood smeared across a floor is never a good sign, although hmm, well you can certainly see this locking problem is definitely taken quite seriously and is probably a pretty common problem through that club over there, and this little detail to reinforce it certainly helps along the bit of exposition at the start there. Hmm, at any rate, this is looking like it maybe a bit of a dangerous break in here.
Hmm, well, the sane thing to do yes, but is it the smartest thing to do...that is always the biggest question. ALthough hmm, well someone was being very quiet to sneak up on her quite that fast and immediately relieve her of her weapon and also threaten her. Its not something a lot of people would pull of quite that smoothly. Certainly lets us know this is not someone that goes around invading people's houses just for fun.
Oooh, that is a awesome little cliffhanger to end this first part on, ahh, certainly would make for an awesome end to a first chapter, because with an ending like this, there's just no question, we'd be running right over the the next chapter and reading on to find out what's going on. And there's certainly a lot of fun details in here...about who these people are, and who this Ghan is.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this certainly makes for a great opening chapter, the scene was built up really nicely here, and the ending was just really chosen well. I would certainly read on to the rest of this book after seeing this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Vari, here for a review!
Even though small and without giving too much information, this is still a good enough vivid read. The scene is well written, for the reader can easly picture it through his head as he reads.
Having said that there were a few things that left me thinking. In the first paragraph, how does she know there's someone in her house? You don't mention sound or anything else that may give out an intruder. Or does she feel it? You know, because of being a witch and the locking spells not working.
Another thing was the blood in the kitchen. Her reaction seemed a little off. What I mean is that if you see blood on the ground in your kitchen your first reaction sure is not thanking for having the appropriate boots on.
Either way this was a good first start. Just a question though? Is this a chapter, synopsis or prologue? And can you give a little more detail about your story? (Curiosity killed the cat...)
Hope to see more soon!
Keep writing!
Hi Vari,
.
This one's a little hard to review because it's such a small excerpt. But it's surprisingly vivid. I very easily imagined the scene. There was a little confusion at the beginning with all the 'locking spell' talk. I know it's called The White Witch and magic could be assumed but it was still a little strange.
The man in the chair and the whole scenario was really well written, the only problem though is that it doesn't end strongly enough. Maybe next time finish more of the chapter and then upload it. That way the reader has more time to adjust to the setting and enjoy the narrative.
Otherwise though good read. If you plan on writing more, send me a message when you've added the next bit
LMJ