Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
The merchant stopped his wagon and took some time to rest as sweat even started to drip from his brow. As far as his eyes could see there was only pale blue skies and the golden glare from the sand. The vast expanse stretched over hundreds of miles, truly living up to its name as the Forsaken Desert.
Reaching into the back of the wagon to grab one of the last carafes, he bumped his head on a bar. Cursing and rubbing his head he sat down in the shade of his wagon. Pulling down his bandanna he took a few sips of the water, it was warm and damp. He couldn't wait till he could drink fresh water from the well in Asma'el.
“Thirty-six days.” he murmured “Thirty-six days in this barren waste, and to what end!”. A heavy thud broke his peace and caught his attention, it came from the front of his wagon. Walking over he quickly saw what had happened, his horse had died. “Great.” Tarren sighed as he dropped his shoulders.
Looking at the sun's position he estimated to still have some hours until nightfall. He looked at the wagon and back at the horse. After grabbing some items from the wagon he walked up to the dead horse, judging what parts could best be taken, he started carving the animal up.
In the last few hours of light he found his bearing and resumed his journey by foot.
After a while Tarren found himself next to a giant boulder. After setting up his improvised tent from the wagons canapé he made a small fire.
Whilst cooking the horses meat he grabbed an old and worn looking scroll. Rolling it out it revealed itself as a map of the area. Using his compass and the environment he was able to find out his current location on the chart.
“Hmm.. About three more days and I should be there.” he told himself. The city of Asma'el was his destination. He couldn't wait to get there, or at least to leave from it, again.
The city had fallen to the grips of a dragon for about twelve years ago. Until that point he and his wife Moranna lived a peaceful life. Until they were forced to flee the city and ever since they had lived as nomads, trekking from town to town selling their merchandise.
Now things were different, Tarren was on a mission. He had no other choice than to obey. The Vetruvian Brotherhood had taken his wife and threatened her life if he didn't do as they demanded of him. He did not know how they knew about his history or birthplace, but he could care less. Moranna was their hostage and if he wouldn't return with a dragon's egg she would pay in blood for his failure.
By now Tarren had eaten plenty and he cooked the remainder of the horse's meat to take with him. Quickly calling it a night he laid himself to rest. Lying here he could hear the fire crackling and the howling of coyotes from afar. Listening to the desert's sounds he slowly fell asleep.
As the morning set in and the sun rose over the desert giving it a faint golden glow, Tarren was already well on his way. With decisive steps he continued his journey towards Asma'el, the city of his past live, the city that had been ruined. Even the very roads that once were well traveled had been reclaimed by the desert.
Dragging his feet through the sand he thought about Asma'el, how would it look presently? He didn't dare to imagine what the dragon had done in all those years. Carefully sipping water from the carafe he started thinking again. Why us Moranna? How did they ever knew that we came from that damned city? He couldn't place it in his mind, they never spoke about the past with each other, let alone with strangers.
With heavy steps he sauntered on through the blistering heat. Reminiscing the past and thinking about his future. How far it still must've been and how he would even return. All his thought's slowly drifted through his mind as he walked for miles and sweat dripped from his face.
When the evening slowly descended over the desert Tarren had already set up his improvised tent again. The very thought of a meal had been on his mind for the last couple of hours. It wouldn't be a feast though. He started making a fire to warm up the dry horse meat. The warm glow of the fire was pleasant to feel as the desert quickly started to cool down.
After having eaten just a small portion of the meat Tarren looked over the map, judging his progress he should be quickly arriving. He decided it was best to get as much sleep as he could.
Listening to some scorpions cowering past his tent he started to drift away in his dreams.
Deep in his sleep he started dreaming about Moranna, her warm soothing voice. Her elegant face and piercing bright green eyes. Her soft black hair draped in front of her face. Tarren brushed it aside with his finger tips. Her skin felt warm and soft as silk. The more vivid the dream, the more Tarren drifted away into the depths of his subconscious. Slowly he lost the last bits of consciousness as his mind was ever more set on her.
As he was exploring her body at the tip of his fingers, softly going past every delicate curve. One more supple than than the other. He couldn't convince himself that she was just a mere dream, it felt ever so vivid. Craving her companion for day's he wouldn't dare to open his eyes and end this fantasy.
He could feel how she pressed her warm soft body to his, grinding her hips over his and curling her arms around him, she engulfed Tarren with all her mercy. Pinning him down between her thighs, she moved her face closer to his.
Her eyes clouded a murky black, and her else wise loving gaze turned to a hollow stare. Slowly her mouth opened and her voice rasped “Love me with your heart?”. Her head tilted slightly in wonder for his answer.
Tarren spurred his eyes wide open. A young succubus sat upon him, pinning him down to the ground. Her small form pressed against him, still grinding against his flesh. Still she waited for her victim to give her that intoxicating yes, the one she needed before she would be able to devour her prey.
Frantically looking around for a way to free himself he found the scroll at his side. Firmly gripping it in his hand he could see that the little demon had noticed his actions. The succubus slowly arched her back, preparing herself to launch in a vicious attack.
Before she was able to Tarren had already struck her with a glancing blow. She fell down to the side, unconscious from the blow she laid there next to him. Not wasting any time Tarren got up and bound her tightly.
He looked at the creature, her small frame made her look fragile and childish, yet it didn't make her less deadly. Slowly the succubus started to come to her senses again. It wasn't for long that it started wailing and screaming, whilst she frantically tried to break loose from her bindings. Tarren quickly gagged her, hoping he would still be able to catch some sleep.
Not having a good night of rest clearly took it's toll on Tarren. It was earlier than he had planned when he started breaking up his tent again. Before he was going to resume his path he decided that he just couldn't leave the succubus to rot in the heath.
Biting of a mouth full of the horse jerky he examined her more closely in the daylight. She had long grey hair and big black eyes. Even her skin looked unnatural, it almost was the same color as the sand they stood upon.
Tarren shrugged as a cold vibe shot through his spine. Taking another mouthful of water from the carafe he looked at her claw like hands, it made him realize that she would've ripped his heart out with ease. “Shame on you.” was all he said to the small demoness.
When he had his things packed up again he resumed his course, tugging the bound succubus along with him.
It was well before nightfall when Tarren and the succubus could see the old city lying in the distance. With Asma'el now within an arms reach Tarren had decided it would be best to get as much rest as he possibly could. He was tired from dragging the little demon with him anyway.
It was quite easy to find a decent shelter for the night. The winds around the city were stronger and had carved out the rock to leave stone pillars behind. He quickly set up his tent so he had some shelter, he didn't expect the elements to be kind to him neither.
Looking at the small succubus he decided that he couldn't leave the little creature outside either. He made sure though that she wouldn't be able to come near him and tied her to a fallen pillar that he had rolled to the far end of his tent.
Having made a fire and eating the remainder of the meat he stared at the city. He couldn't help but notice that it was dead silent around them, all they could hear was a faint howling in the distance. Even the succubus didn't try to make a sound. The creatures here must've known the same thing as he did, this was the dragons territory. Looking at Asma'el more closely he could see how several towers missed from its skyline. Large portions of the city's walls were completely destroyed, and the few towers that still stood tall missed sections of their facade. One tower in particular stood out, it was half open at the top. Before Tarren had the chance to think about the dragons nest, he saw the beast glide towards the tower from the corner of his eye. As it landed and clanged itself to the already battered facade, it caused several pieces to give way. As it clambered into the tower the monster disappeared from his sight.
Not a moment later the tower lighted up. It had to be it, the beasts nest.
As soon as he woke up the following morning Tarren started packing up his things. Before setting foot to the city gate he drank the very last of his water. The succubus laid behind him in the sand, watching his every move cautiously. Tarren thought about how he could best get in and out of the city as fast as possible without being noticed and burnt to a crisp by the dragon.
Moments later he had made up his mind, he bent down to his knees reaching out to the map that still laid there on the ground. He rolled it up and tensed up right before suddenly turning around and knocking the succubus unconscious once more.
Without further delays Tarren set foot towards the gate, all packed and carrying the succubus over his shoulder. Quickly he reached the city-gate, he left most of his belongings here as he would just need his knife and a carafe to fill with fresh water.
Walking through the empty streets he remembered how the city was planned out. Around the following corner he found himself at the market-square. Not a moment too soon in Tarren's opinion though, fatigue was getting to him. He set down the succubus and walked over to the well that still stood majestically in the center of the square. Refilling his carafe he looked around him.
Shops had deteriorated over time and the once colorful market-stands were nothing more than worn rag's waving in the wind. Looking at it all Tarren thought up of a diversion for the dragon.
As the evening set in the succubus had come to her senses. She skittishly looked around only to find herself bound to a pole.
Hoisting up his improvised distraction, a ragtag collection of old pots in a sack, he looked at the tower t he couldn't find any sign of movement. “Won't be long now.” he murmured as he secured the sack. Placing a lit candle under the dry rope he would make sure that the dragon wouldn't be in it's nest when he would be.
The succubus sat quivering in a corner, she knew exactly what was going on. Giving her a final look, Tarren quickly set foot towards the tower.
Darting through the streets Tarren reckoned that he would have mere minutes before the candle would've consumed the rope.
As soon as he reached the tower the clanking sound of two dozen pots and pans falling down echoed through the streets. The dragon roared in response and shot out of the tower, signaling that it's territory was trespassed clearly was more than enough to lure it away. Racing through the entrance Tarren caught a glimpse of the dragons tail as it left it's nest above him.
Speeding up the spiraling stairs, Tarren could smell the nest as he came closer. The rank smell of charcoaled flesh and excrement filled his nose.
From up here Tarren could overview the whole city of Asma'el. Quickly he looked at the market-square, he didn't even blink his eyes when he could see the buildings surrounding the square light up in a deep fiery orange.
Wasting no time gazing at the distant slaughter, he quickly turned back to the room. Scanning through the coaled carcases he spotted the scaled, amber colored egg. It was cradled in a bed of rocks, quickly he grabbed the warm egg and turned around. Sailing down the stairs he ran as quick as he could.
Racing through the empty streets he knew he would need to get out of the city by the time the dragon would notice. Holding the egg tightly between his arms he quickly reached the gate. Tarren sat down next to his bag, carefully he wrapped the egg in the cloth's and tucked it away.
He looked back into the city and took the picture in before turning around and leaving it all behind.
Taking caution not to be seen he darted between the stone pillars, a raging dragon would be the last thing he would like to encounter at this point. All that rested was to get home and free Moranna.
Dawn had made it's appearance since Tarren had smuggled the egg well outside of the city walls. He was exhausted, ever since he had left the city hours earlier he had been on his toe's. Carefully listening and watching as the dragon rampaged through the building's and setting the city on fire. It had noticed.
Drinking fresh water from the carafe as he sat in the shade of a boulder, Tarren for the first time realized that he had no way back. His horse dead, wagon miles away he realized there was nobody there to save him. The sun beating down on him he lifted his head up and chuckled slightly, forsaken in this barren place.
All that Tarren had to show for his tribulations were an musky egg and 2 carafes filled with water. He would quickly need to find food, or else he was bound to starve.
Sauntering on for several miles in the battering sun he eventually took a pause. Lavishing his thirst he looked downwards into his bag.
Staring directly at the map it dawned to him that the nomads would've never left the area. He soon found himself studying the map closely. He should had known that the nomads were there long before the city was build. Looking for the most likely places the nomads would pass he scanned the map, his destination quickly became a small oasis not too far away from his current position. If he would be quick he should be able to get there by nightfall. Let alone the chance of fresh fruits.
With reinvigorated spirit Tarren set on. Marching trough the searing sand under the sun's tormenting heat didn't seem to fatigue him. He had all his hopes riding on this way out and back to his beloved.
As the day came to an end and the temperature started to drop, his long march had rewarded him as he finally had arrived at the oasis. First thing he did was to drink greedily from his second carafe.
After having made a fire to keep himself warm for the night Tarren started to scavenge trough the oasis for fruits. It wasn't long until he succeeded, being able to find some nopal's and almonds. He only plucked what he would be able to eat for the night so there would be plenty more for how long as he might be here.
Stone-grilling the almonds and scooping out the slimy guts of the nopal with his fingers he started to gaze at the horizon. It slowly dawned to him that it still could take several day's if not longer until he might actually get out of here.
After setting up his tent and cradling the warm egg he went to sleep hopeful for the first time in days.
He woke at daybreak, staring right into the smoldering coals from the fire. As he stood up and looked around he started to wander towards a cactus with his knife in hand. Having carved out a few fleshy bits from the plant he made his way back towards his makeshift camp.
Staring at the horizon as he chewed down the though stringy flesh, Tarren could see a kite emerge. After having blinked twice and rubbing out his eyes there were now a total of five kite's hanging above the horizon.
As quick as he could Tarren yanked the canvas from his tent from it's pole's and started to wave around with it as if he were a madman, just hoping they would see him.
Tarren woke up inside the bowels of a Vetruvian ship, it had been a week since the nomad's had rescued him from his green prison. The ship moaned and creaked as it gently swayed on the waves, steadily making it's way.
Soon they would moor at the harbor of Sisteca. He couldn't wait to see her again. He had gotten their egg and now he wanted his wife back. He wasn't able to comfort himself with the thought that it would be a trade. The Vetruvians demanded of him to handover the egg as soon as he had boarded.
Not able to rest he walked from side to side below deck, trying to kill time the best he could manage to. He just hoped she would be unscaved. Tarren couldn't bear thinking about how she could've been mistreated.
Looking out of the porthole he could see how they sailed past the harbors gates, he wanted to go up to the main deck, but the guards wouldn't let him leave.
Agonizing minutes passed for Tarren, until finally, the hatch opened. Gazing upwards into the bright sunlight that flooded in, he could see how a woman cloaked in the finest red cashmere and silk stepped down. “Moranna!” Tarren rushed to her arms as she fell in his. They were finally able to feel each others warmth and love again. Cradling each other they were approached by one the guards that kept Tarren below deck. “You are free to go, on the harbor awaits your compensation. A new wagon with merchandise and the finest horse in the land.” he told them.
Tarren merely nodded before he and Moranna turned around and looked up the hatch right into the bright golden ray's of the sun, free again.
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If you haven't guessed yet, I am indeed your secret santa! Happy Christmas in July, again, my dear!
For this review, I'm going to take rather different route, giving you my overall impression and opinion instead of nitpicking. There are a few errors, but good proof reading should fix that.
First of all, I'd like to point out that your dialogue isn't very period- correct. The use of great, for instance, is very very 21st century, and it corrupts the story you're trying to portray. Merely because it brings us back to the now, when we were just getting settled into the forsaken sands.
I know I said I wouldn't nitpick, but...
If you're talking about the merchant, you need to mention his name again by this point. I thought you were talking about someone else for a second, and once I figured you weren't, I thought about how unclear it was. Just something to consider when you're revising.
Continuing on~
You're dumping a lot of info on us. Now, I'm a big fan of dumping. But you can do it more cleverly, or subtly to make it easier for the reader to stomach. It's not hard, either! When you're writing, you just need to have a clear idea of exactly what you want info you want to give, and what info you may want to leave out. Sometimes, you can add more info than you mean to without noticing, just because you're not paying attention. Something to pay attention to next chapter~
Anyway, darling, it's my bedtime. Overall, I feel like this is a solid start. We have the background to the story, now we just need the meat. Because no matter how much information you give us, we're going to want more to sink our teeth into.
Love,
Your Secret Santa
Oh hey, dragons are cool... *Reviews your story*
So, I like the whole journey-across-the-land-to-find-the-bad-guy idea, but I didn't find Tarren's journey to Asma'el to be particularly interesting. All he seemed to do was travel for a bit, and then set up his tent and eat and sleep.
The first time he settled down, we learn about Asma'el's history, and that it fell to the dragon. We hear about the Vetruvian Brotherhood, and we find out that they've taken Tarren's wife hostage, and that they will release her if Tarren can bring them the dragon's egg. This is all really cool, but it was a lot of information to take in. Maybe it would be more interesting if you revealed these details little by little over the course of the journey.
Another reviewer said this, but I found it funny that his horse just dropped dead, too :p I feel like you wanted that to happen so Tarren would have food to eat over the next few days? But how was he able to bring his heavy cart, all his belongings, and all the horse meat, along with him? (Did he leave the cart behind? I might have missed that..)
The succubus was a cool addition to the story, but she didn't really complicate the plot. Especially after Tarren just had her tied up for the rest of his journey. Maybe if she could speak, you could use her to talk with Tarren and reveal the backstory? Just an idea.
In the end, I had unanswered questions. Who are the Vetruvian Brotherhood? Why, of all people, did they force a merchant to go after the dragon's egg? What makes the dragon's egg so desirable?
Anyway, if you plan on expanding the story, there's certainly a lot you can do with this. For one thing, you should try and explore Tarren's character. I feel like I never really knew much about him other than his brief backstory and his goal.
If you do end up expanding this into a longer series, good luck! It was an interesting read.
~a2sd
I read your review and here's my reply:
).

I indeed have committed the crime of info-dump and should've smeared this across the story. Thanks for pointing it out.
I do believe you read past the part where he takes a bag with him and leaves most (basically all) behind. Not to say that you're wrong, yet a pointer to make this more clear.
Could've used the succubus for more yes, and until your reply this didn't cross my mind. (drats!)
Yes well, why Tarren, Tarren came from Asma'el so he obviously has experience with the region and city, so basically thats why.
Also in conclusion, yes who are the Vetruvians, why a dragons egg? Questions that might very well be answered in part 2.
And yes the longer series would include different stories from different chars all incorporating these elements and more. It was my intent to keep those questions open (to cheapishly buy myself time and interest from all of you
Thanks for your commentary! And I've read your pm
Hello.
Iggy here to review your wonderful work.

First off, I really loved this work. I have always been fascinated by medieval stories, with dragons and royals and such. I especially liked the new, unique words that popped up, like Vetruvians and Tarren and carafe. Did you make those words up or are they actual real names? Anyways, they were wonderfully unique and they tied into the story well.
I thought it rather funny that the horse just dropped dead in the beginning. I mean, did Tarren neglect to feed or water the horse, or did it simply die of natural causes? x3 I also liked it when Tarren simply shrugged and started to carve it up for food. Waste not, want not, eh?
One thing I feel you should change was the rating. What sexual intimacy described was brief and, as far as I comprehended, there was no sexual intercourse, right? So this doesn't seem like a 18+ rating to me, rather a 16+, if that's how you feel.
Another thing, the ending. I think it was rather confusing how the Vetruvians kidnapped his wife and demanded Tarren find them a dragon's egg lest they kill Moranna, yet they dress her in fine clothing and give them a cart full of goods and a horse. I think that was your way of showing how grateful they were? Or that they knew how to treat a lady and a noble man who kept his end of the deal?
One last thing, the egg. What did they want it for? Forgive me if you did say why, but I don't remember reading so. Did they want it for the riches it would bring, or to raise their own dragon for war? My suggestion is that you make this a bit clearer to the reader, and to dense people like me. >_>
Well, I think that's it. Amazing job! It was a pleasure to read, I found no grammar mistakes. Your uee of imagery was wonderful and the story had me enthralled the entire time. You are an amaxing writer.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work!
~ Iggy.
Thanks for your amazing reply! I must say that this one kept me busy for -quite the long- while.

Yes the horse in the beginning.. Good question, crossed my mind briefly and I think we should go at severe case of sunstroke.
The names, well I actually made Tarren and Vetruvians up. Yet as I googled these word's Vitruvian did pop-up as the Vitruvian Man by Da Vinci. Carafe uhm as I just did a google on that, I tend to see I made a flaw (English isn't my first tongue). I actually mean a water-bag type of satchel. <if that makes better sense.
That yes, it isn't that they are all that bad. They prefer to call it 'necessary evil'.
Yes, why the heck does one need a dragons egg for? I wonder about this question also. It never came by that point, Tarren just allowed us a peek in his life.
On the age question, as I totally skipped it, I guess I was just being a prude as it is the first time I wrote such a scene. Glad that you confirmed my initial thought
As to seeing more of my work, few people know about my very first project that until now is well underdeveloped on paper (yet up in my mind it has a world of it's own). And in course with it I like to do a couple of shorts first to build up 'dem skillz'.
So I might just make one about the Vetruvians. Yet what about them...
The story is very interesting.
Errors:
"grips of a dragon for about twelve years ago" sentence fragment
"the city of his past live" it's life not live
"how did they ever knew that we..." it's know not knew
"before he was able to Tarren" You needed a comma after 'to'
"bound her tightly" bounded
"the beasts nest" beast's
You had a few more, but I'm not going to list them all.
GREAT detailing! You have a very imaginative mind. The plot was also very interesting and entertaining. I hope to see more work from you!
~NoOne
Thanks for the pointers, appreciate it.
Well, as stated in previous reply I might make a bit of a series of it. Yet where to start.