As she laid there in the courtyard she knew it was her end.
Weakened and unable to continue she laid there as the castle walls came crashing down, as if they were being crushed by an giant invisible hand.
The boulders and rocks that formed the walls came tumbling down on her small frame. Crushing her arms and legs they relentlessly kept falling down.
Too tired to scream or fight she passed out right before one of the very last boulders ended her breath.
All that remained were the mangled ruins that once represented their riches. Before this day she lived, she lived life like a Goddess. Day by day her life was filled with the very riches the world had to offer. Never she had worked, never she needed to worry.
This didn't mean she was evil or unjust, on the contrary! She was a fair and just lady. A true lady of the people. Then how could a live so pure, innocent and striving end so cruelly? Among her riches and gifts the first few that she once was given stood out the most.
They were majestically displayed on a statue of her likeness. It stood on a shield so she ever may be protected from illness and hurt. A sword in her hand so she would always be ready to strike down and vanquish the evil perils that ever would be lurking. A book by her side so she may ever judge from knowledge and wisdom. In her other hand there was a scale, this so she would always weight of all sides evenly.
How could this have happened? A person with such an incredible heritage who is able to make such an incredible fall from grace? She isn't to blame. She was just a young girl a gift between people that loved and lived by each other.
Her youth was nice though, careless and childish just as it should be. Merely trying to find her way through the maze we call life. During her further life she was given more and more. She had so much gifts that even the walls of her castle were plaited with gold and decorated with the finest tapestry. All rooms were filled with the most precious gems and the finest examples of craftsmanship.
Pitifully enough this was all she saw. Every time with all of her travels she was blindfolded. Her care-keepers telling her that her eyes were too precious to lay rest upon the rest of the world. Day after day this continued to last for weeks. Gradually the weeks progressed and time blurred in to years. All she ever saw was the beauty that the world had to offer in all abundance.
But this took it's toll. Her care-keepers underestimated the curiosity she had. One day when her transport stopped to rest a little she seized the opportunity. Lifting the blindfold from her eyes she looked upon the world.
It was in languish, the trees had lost all their leaves, the sky was a smeared yellow-green color filled with murky clouds, even the wildlife was in demise. So much agony and despair was the last thing she expected. She started running, clenching the blindfold in her hand. She ran towards her old town, the town of her childhood and her memories. It was even worse. The poor fought over the most basic of needs.
Running past buildings she looked inside. She was stunned the people suffered for the riches of their leaders. Their freedom limited and hopes and dreams crushed. The world splintered and ruled by leaders that brought the promise of freedom and while they did they enslaved the people.
Infuriated and overpowered by sadness she started running harder. The grief she felt proved to be too strong for her. Eventually she arrived at her birthplace, an old and weathered castle. Walking into the courtyard she fell to her knees. She couldn't fight the agony she witnessed to be among the people. The very vibrations of her agonized screams shook the castle walls to such extent that they started to crumble. The last thing she did was pull the blindfold over her eyes again.
Now these ruins lie here, they won't be found for a while though. Her care-keepers will make sure of that. What would happen if people knew she was gone? So until this day these ruins are the last resting place of her mangled form. Entombing her in the rubble were she once started out so promising. But it won't be long before the people will start asking. And when that happens truth will be found, everybody shall know the tale of Justice and how she was blinded and deceived with mere beauty and riches.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heyo! I don't think we've ever spoken before, so Hi! My name is Sparks!
Nice to meet you, and happy christmas in July!
Let's get to it, shall we?!
This is very repetitive from the first line. You already told us the walls made of rocks were tumbling down. Why don't you combine this line with the one before it?
Once again, you already told us she was too tired to fight. You keep repeating information. It means that we get bored, as fickle readers, because all we can think about is how we know this already. This is a short story! You gotta grab our attention and keep pushing for us to become even more interested.
I want you to look at the above example and the one you had. I'm not saying to use exactly what I gave you above, but it flows so much better.
Okay... You're really really telling. Like, I don't even know her name and you're telling me how just she was. Show me! I want to feel empathy for her, not just know other people will. And once again--you're being repetitive.
These nitpicks above apply to the whole thing. So, I'll continue on~
So, this is a nice story. It's a great symbolism message for the hope people hold in symbols such as the girl who seems to hold everyone's dreams in her eyes. That's a great message, and I think you conveyed it very well.
But I also feel like you could have shown it better. And here's why--
I don't think you did a good job of showing us exactly why this girl means so much to the people. You told us, sure, but we don't really know exactly why or what she did. We don't know what kind of distress the world was in for them to worship a silly girl surrounded by her riches. I don't really understand what's going on, besides a girl is dying and the people she's leaving behind will truly miss her. Along with that, you're so repetitive, it's distracting. But if you work on those things, I know it'll be an awesome story!
Keep on writing! PM me or drop me a line on my wall if you have any questions
Sparks
Hey Vanz,
), but a bit awkward.
So, before I begin my review, I want you to know that I love your avvie. It's hilarious!
But, getting down to business now; I feel I must warn you that my reviews tend to be slow, line-by-line critques; so forgive me if it gets a bit long or nit-picky.
"...Weakened and unable to continue the castle..."~ So is the woman too weak to continue, or are the castle walls weakened? Perhaps you could clarify. Even adding just 'weakened and unable to continue, she watched as the castle...' if you mean that she was weakened.
"...came crashing down as if they were..."~ down, comma, as if
"The boulders and rocks that formed the walls came tumbling down on her small frame. Crushing her arms and legs they relentlessly kept falling down.
To tired to scream or fight she passed out right before one of the very last boulders ended her breath."~ The first sentence is wonderfully descriptive (description makes Shady happy
Perhaps you could try, 'The walls, formed of boulders and rocks, came tumbling down on her small frame, COMMA, crushing her arms and legs *consider adding something about thier weight, and nixing 'kept falling down'*. Since nothing would lead me to believe that they should STOP falling, 'kept falling' seems like needless information; but you don't want to lose description.
*Lecture-begin*
"To" can be thought of as a destination. 'To the store', 'to the moon', 'to my great grandmother *presumably her hands being the destination*'.
"Too" is in addition to. "I want a pop too.", "Take me too!" "I want to give great granmother a gift too." "I'm too tired to scream."
*Lecture-end*
"...she passed out right..."~ I like the description in this whole sentence, but I tend advise against using 'passed out' in a story. It just seems so...modern...flavorless... try 'passed from consciousness', 'her vision faded into darkness', or something that gives something a bit more interesting to read.
"This didn’t mean she was evil or unjust, in contrary!"~ 'on the contrary' not 'in contrary'.
*Switch lecture disc-begin*
1. "Than" usually has contrast. "This is better than that" "I got up earlier today than I did yesterday" "You look better in this dress than in that one"
2. "Then" is hard to define, so I'll just try to give some examples and hope you understand my incoherent comments. "I'll finish this pizza, then I'll drink that keg of ale" "That was then, this is now." "If you see a problem, then you should fix it."
And the moral of this story is: example two is a better in context than example one.
*disc ejects*
Alright, so the next few paragraphs hold precious gems. Lots of crucial info, and marvelous description, all winded into one; my favorite part of a story. Problem? You tell about it. Writing is about showing; about feeling. You should manipulate your readers' emotions with every line; and this description is lifeless.
Perhaps you could graft the info into the story, via a flash back. "As she lay in the courtyard, too exhausted to fight death any longer, she remembered the days when her life held only happiness (insert description of riches, which was beautiful, BTW) (Insert description of her being sheltered, which was an interesting twist that you should definitely keep)"...
But, going back to my analysis...
"Merely trying to find her way trough the maze"~ Typo, through; also, you might clarify. What maze?
"It was in languish, the tree’s had lost all their leafs, the sky was a smeared yellow-green color filled with murky clouds even the wildlife was in demise."~ This is a beautiful description! But it has got tecnical difficulties.
Grr, trees is not possessive, no apostrophe
leaves is plural, so 've' not 'f'
clouds, comma, even
Also, SLOW it down. You go from her being happy and naive, to her running crazily, to her dying. It was like, 'Wait, what?'
Perhaps switch it up a bit. Maybe start with her being happy (wandering amongst her riches maybe?), and then slowly progress to her trip where she rebels. Then tell us all about the revelation of pain, and add a time of distress, then add her dying.
Also, why do the walls randomly fall on her? And why does she just give up and die, if this is the first time she's ever been distressed in her pretty little life? And the very last sentence is the FIRST time you even introduce your main character! Eek! She shouldn't be dead before she's known.
...Okay, so that was longer than I intended it to be. I'm a grammar snob, sorry. You really do have an interesting story (if you didn't, then I wouldn't have bothered to write this obnoxious review). This wasn't meant to discourage you at all! I'm interested to see what happens to the people once they learn of the tale of Justice.
If you need any more help, or any questions about my review, don't hesitate to PM me.
~Shady
Also, why do the walls randomly fall on her?
"The very vibrations of her agonized screams shook the castle walls to such extent that they started to crumble." (Which consecutively results in to the total destruction of the castle.)
Further, I've edited it with your comment in mind. A ton of thanks!
Sadly, I've gotta tell you that this is the last of Justice you will see (for now?!), I really just intended it to be this little brief short story about the little girl who was once destined to be a patron of every man, woman and child. But couldn't even bear looking upon the grief of the world.
So again, thanks for the review and the grammar lessons. (Not native in English =] )!