Alone

Vanadis wrote:Each day after school, you used to sit on the pier overlooking the bay, your tanned skin gleaming under only a bikini and a thin layer of sunscreen. The last part of this sentence is sort of awkward. I understood this: you can see my skin gleaming under the bikini. Which is weird. And wrong. But mostly weird. Oo Rephrase?

As soon as I'd gone home and checked with Mama, I'd go out again and meet you. You would perch there Would perch implies that X ("you" or "me" >>" Whichever) isn't already sitting there., as still as the air before sunrise, your old, rusty (Personally I think it's rusty, but I'm not 100% sure of it.) fishing rod gripped in your hands, a tackle-box next to you. Your dark eyes were always fixed on the spot where the sky plunged into the clear Phillipine Sea. 8] I come from there. It's fate! Anyway, on to the actual comment: I think this sentence could be a lot more dramatic. It simply lacks that emotional punch it could have. Try revising and playing around with the arrangement of the words.

All we ever caught were eels, but we kept trying.


On the seventeenth of October I could tell, when I met up with you, that there was something wrong. You weren't looking out to the sea, and your shoulders and hands trembled violently. The proximity of the two "ands" works against you here. You have to find a way to separate them, push them further apart. I knew instantly, Ofelia, that [Deleted my] (You don't need my because you capitalized Mama.) Mama had told your grandmother about what was wrong with me, and she'd told you. This is awkward. Very awkward. Revise. I wished she hadn't; I'd been planning to tell you myself.

“Alejo,” you said, “Lola gave us raisins and strawberry milk tea today. Kinda awkward and stilted. Try revising or cutting it down. I have no idea which would work better. I don't think I like them together. But why did she have to go spend that much today? Weird. Forced.”

“Maybe she was--”

“You know we're losing our house!” you cried, clearly frustrated, Out of the blue. No foreshadowing (or rather, you foreshadowed but it was so obvious I overlooked it), and absolutely sudden. There needs to be more of a buildup. finally turning to face me. “We had to sell everything we own just to pay for a place to get under when it rains. Why'd you have to go get sick, Alejo? You're just making things worse!” You got up, tossing "Tossing" makes it a lot weaker than it could be. I think it'd be better if you turned that into a different sentence altogether and used "Tossed" instead. your fishing pole to the side brutally There's probably a better word for tossed brutally - a single word. Wrack your brain for it. and landed in my arms Landed here actually refers to the fishing pole, which means that the fishing pole landed in the narrator's arms. Made me go: Oo. “Please,” you sobbed, “don't make us lose you! The sentence structure weakens the emotional impact. But that's not the only reason this fails. More on this later. Please!”

As your tears streamed down your cheeks and onto my chest, as I cupped the back of your head Visual is not working. Revise. and held your waist, I thought about telling you that there was absolutely nothing either of us could have done to help it I'm not sure if "help" is the right word here. I think there should be a better word, but I'm not quite sure.. But telling you that wasn't going to make a difference.

“I love you!” You all but screamed it into my T-shirt, and I thought that you might die from your own agony right there. Fails again on an emotional level. The last part made me smile instead of tearing me into little shreds. Revise.

Trust me, [Deleted my - it weakens the overall impact of the sentence.] Ofelia, I'd always known you loved me. You didn't have to tell me, but I appreciated it.


You were being selfish that day, blaming me for what was happening I'm not sure if happened would fit here - I'm unclear as to what you're referring to, but please. Think about it. If possible, switch "was happening" out for "happened".. But it was happening to me, too, not just you. You know that now, so I won't dwell on it too long, but at first, you hurt me. I love you, but I don't ever want you to do that to anyone else. There is a tense shift in the last two sentences. You switch from past to present. I don't know if this is a side effect of writing in first/second person or a goof. I'm leaning towards the second. Even if this shift was intentional, it was jarring. Drew my attention away from the piece itself.


For the remainder of my time When I read that, it wasn't immediately clear that you meant time as in his remaining lifespan. Revise., we did the same thing [I'm not sure if this sentence will remain grammatically correct if I take out the comma, but it certainly flows better without the stupid thing.] nearly every single day. It was pointless, and we both knew it. You threw each eel into the dry tacklebox alive, watching them writhe, unable to breathe, for minutes that felt like eternities until they finally gave up and died. Meaning X was already watching them writhe while X was throwing them in. Probably not the scene you thought of. It's the sentence structure - X verbed, verbing blablabla, means that he did the two actions together. You had this sick obsession with their deaths. Before, you used to put them in buckets of water to take home and eat if they were big enough, but later, you just killed them all. Technically if you eat them you're still killing them. :/ You dumped their carcasses back into the ocean and went home and told Lola that you'd caught nothing. I'm not sure carcasses fits here. Maybe corpse, but carcass? When I think of carcass I think it's half-eaten and bloodied or something. :/

I assume you thought that if you watched them suffer, it would be the practice you needed to be able to watch me and not lose your mind. Awkward structure steals any emotional impact this sentence could have had. Or maybe you had just changed. It's not awkward, but I seriously don't like this sentence. It's kind of too blunt.



As I grew too weak to go out There has to be a better word for "go out". This phrase is far too weak., you didn't go back Go back is also a weak phrase. I'd rather you turn this sentence into something positive - don't use "not".to the pier at all. You sat in the chair in the corner of my room, seemingly afraid to even touch me Last part is awkward. Revise.. But you told me [Deleted about for the sake of the flow] how your day was and asked about mine. You didn't leave until nearly midnight every night, and right before you left was when you would smooth my blanket over my chest and say goodnight.



On the second night of March, I finally went to God. Just hours before I did, you came to tuck me in, gave Gave is also a weak verb. Switch it out with something else. me a kiss, and said, “Goodbye.” That was all you had said to me that entire day. Weak. When you got close enough, though, I saw that your eyes had grown a lot duller than they used to be. This is an extremely weak sentence. It has so much potential but your choice of words killed it. Revise. Maybe the eel thing had worked after all.



The next night, I let myself into your bedroom. You didn't know I was there, but I saw you kneeling on your bed, clutching your pink rosary beads tight as sweat I actually read "tight as sweat" as one phrase and had to do a retake. Revise. and tears poured down your face. “Why'd you have to take him from me? You never cared about me, did you?” You then unleashed a typhoon of curse-words at God. Tries too hard. Revise. I cringed to hear some of the things you called him, especially because I was sure Lola could hear you as well and was probably holding her own beads, asking God what had caused her granddaughter to lose her religion after all those devoted years.

“Why did you have to leave me alone?”

I wished I could have come up and wiped away your frantic tears, and quieted your sobbing and screaming, but once again, you were being selfish and there was nothing I could do. And I couldn't even blame you for it that time, because there was nothing I wouldn't give at that point to materialize next to you, alive and well, and comfort you.

“I hate you!”

God?

Or me?



Three days later, when you'd calmed down a bit, you went out fishing again. Too quick. Three days is far too quick. Especially if you really love a person. My mom visited the cemetery every day for almost half a year when her dad died. Sometimes she'd cry out of nowhere. This girl recovers too fast. Just as I would have guessed, you didn't take a water bucket for the eels that time. Take out "would have" and "that time". They lessen the sentence's impact and disrupt the flow.

You didn't wear sunscreen either, and your skin started to redden I don't like the way you presented it. Revise. a bit after a few hours. But you had a determined look on your face as you baited your hook once more and cast.

When you reeled in your line, you had a brilliant blue and yellow fish on the other end.

I smiled as I watched you stifle a sob and throw the fish back to its home.

Final thoughts:

This piece is one that's meant to work on a wholly emotional level. This relies on the reader sympathizing with the characters therein, and you're banking on that so we'd cry with you at the end. Unfortunately, this piece fails to ground us enough. It also failed to provide enough reasons for me to sympathize with your characters. I'll tackle why it failed to do so in the following paragraphs.

First, your word choices and sentence structures. The way you structure your sentence affects the way the story reads. Your choice of words also severely affects the mood of the story. "Eat" and "devour" just don't give off the same vibe, if you understand what I'm saying. Each and every word serves a certain purpose, so you have to make sure you choose them carefully. The way you string them together is just as important. If I had five black beads and five yellow beads, I'd want to arrange them in a beautiful and attention-catching pattern - not string all five black beads together before shoving in the yellow beads. (Actually, that might work, but I think you catch my drift?)

Verbs are especially important, as they, in my opinion, affect the piece the most. Walked, shuffled, strode, strolled - they're all essentially ways of saying that a person moved his legs to get himself from one place to another. They're the same, yet they're not. Each one has an additional meaning behind it. If someone shuffles towards you, you think that they're nervous about something. If someone strides towards you, you know they're confident or angry. If someone strolled towards you, then you'd know they've got some time on their hands and are pretty easygoing at the moment. But if someone simply walks towards you, you're not quite sure what to think. Verb choice is especially useful when it comes to keeping your word count in check - instead of using a weak verb and an adverb, you can replace both with a single word.

Next - we don't really see enough of the characters' personalities to be able to care about them. Note that I say care - we don't necessarily have to like them, we just have to be curious about them. For example, we certainly don't like certain people, but we're fascinated by their well-being. They add excitement and drama to everything. Show us something more definitive about your characters through little quirks and better word choices. This way, we can shape them in our minds and maybe even find some common ground with them. This enables us to sympathize with them and will therefore allow the emotions in your story to hit us harder. Again, as this is an emotional story, your goal is to slam us as hard as you can with all the emotions in this piece.

This also moves too slowly yet too quickly at the same time. The pacing is all over the place. You don't slow down when you ought to and you don't speed up when needed. For example - the beginning could use a little more speed, or at the very least, a misleading upbeat atmosphere. It doesn't necessarily have to be happy - just strong enough/interesting enough to catch our attention. I almost quit reading this piece because it took too long to get on with the story. Slow down when you want us to experience pain with your character and speed up the less interesting bits (although segue into it nicely - don't zoom in and out like some crazed director).

Explore the relationship between Ofelia and the narrator more. As of now we don't see their love - we're only informed of it. This weakens the impact of the piece, makes it seem shallow and whiny. Pause at some important points, zoom us in and show us every detail, vividly. (Also, might want to pepper in some more of your narrator's thoughts - he's a rather boring guy at the moment, with a one-track mind and all.)

Actually, I'd tell you to rewrite it in third person because the main character is rather dull, but I won't, because emotional pieces work best in first. Just try to find your MC's voice - it better be unique, and show his mannerisms and speech quirks. Word play would be nice too, but I doubt you can fit it in a piece this short. First person requires a very compelling MC, which you lack at the moment.

You also put your descriptions in the wrong parts, in my opinion. This is sort of why the piece didn't work. You didn't focus on enough details on the parts that needed detail. I couldn't actually envision your character and Ofelia. Everything was a vague blur for me. The descriptions in the beginning were good, but I think you ought to save those words and use them later on in the piece instead of using them up in the beginning.

Finally, you've got some stilted sentences. It seems as if you're trying too hard to sound poetic in some parts of this. Don't. Let the words come naturally. Or, if you're trying to change your writing style, then write it all down and read it out loud. Reading things out loud will help you catch awkward sentences and phrases that sound too serious to actually be taken seriously (I'm not sure if that made sense oo"). Emotional pieces like these are usually less forgiving of stilted prose than other works.

Anyway, this review is made up of 100% Kara's opinion. Don't take anything definitively. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Hey Van.
I like the story and the characters, and the way you've set it up: the progression of it, and how you've developped the characters through it. I have a couple nitpicks about flow and wording, though.

...I'd go out again and meet you. There, you would perch as still as pre-dawn air, your old, rusting fishing rod gripped in your hands, a tackle-box next to you.

The "there" is not the best word for the transition here. I'd suggest taking it out, and changing the sentence to something like "You would be perched as still as...". On another note, "pre-dawn air" sounds a bit forced. "The air before dawn"? Not sure about that one. It's bothering me a bit, but it does work.

One day—it was October seventeenth, to be exact—

The precision comes off awkward. Just remove the "one day" and go straight for the exact date: you'll have the precision without the annoying vagueness first.

I knew instantly, Ofelia, that my Mama had told your grandmother Lola about what was wrong with me, and she'd told you. I wished she hadn't; I'd been planning to tell you myself.

“Alejo,” you said, “Lola gave us raisins and strawberry milk tea today. I don't think I like it together. But why did she have to go spend that much today?”

This might be personal preference: the namedropping is a bit heavy, and too obvious. "Ofelia" and "Alejo" came off okay, but the "your grandmother Lola" is clunky. Try just smoothing it in a bit more, or even delay her naming to somewhere later, in one of the sections where Lola plays an actual role.

You didn't have to tell me that, but I appreciated it.

The "that" is unnecessary.

You know that now, so I won't dwell on it too long, but at first, you hurt me. And I do want you to realize that.

He knows that now: the "I do want you to realize that." is a bit redundant.

You dumped their carcasses back into the ocean and went home and lied to Lola that you'd caught nothing.

The "lied to Lola" seems a bit unnecessary. We know what happened, so a simple "say" works; the reader sees the lie on his own.

I assume you thought that if you watched them suffer, it would be the practice you needed to be able to watch me do it and not lose your mind.

Flow is a bit clunky here. Try removing the "do it" in "to watch me do it"?

Nearing the days I left, you didn't go back to the pier at all.

The beginning of that sentence sounds off to me. Turning too much around the issue, as it is. The euphemism is too weak. "As I grew weaker", "as death neared"? Or just give a date, like you do everywhere else: "From the -date- on, you didn't go back to the pier at all".

And that was all you had said to me that entire day. When you got close enough, though, I saw that your eyes didn't shine anymore.

That first "and" is unecessary. I also question the use of "shine": it has, for me at least, more of a happy connotation that doesn't work with the implied tears.

The next night, I invaded the space of your bedroom.

"the space of" is not needed.

You then unleashed a super-typhoon of curse-words at God.

I think you can do without the "super-". It sounds a bit too much.

You didn't take a bucket of water that time, just as I would have guessed.

Switch that sentence around? "Just as I would have guessed, you didn't take a bucket of water." It's more direct, and rolls off the tongue more smoothly.

Alejo's death wasn't explicit enough, I find. I knew it, as you'd told me beforehand, but I still somehow missed when it happened and had a double-take when it got obvious.
That said, I must say I liked the ending, the contrast of the characters, the dead talking to the living, even if they can't be heard, and the fishing used as a way to represent Ofelia's state of mind.
Nice work :D
/failreview