Prologue
“I’ve loved you since freshman year. I want us to be together. I love you.” She told him everything. She’d kept it in for a long time but she just had to tell him. She wanted to be with him.
“I can’t,” he murmured as he walked towards the door. Without thinking she quickly grabbed his wrist tightly and tried to pull him back.
“Don’t go!” she pleaded. He pulled her hand away from his wrist, cutting her in the process. “Owe!” she said. He stared at the blood longingly.
He stammered, “I have to… I have,” he walked towards her and kissed the bleeding cut. She reacted to his kiss by pulling his mouth to hers. His teeth grew to their full length jabbing her tongue and lip. Blood flowed into his mouth, human blood. It was still exhilarating. He kissed a small trial to her neck.
Someone barged into the small, dark room. The music from the party went from a faint whisper of noise to blazing and irritating to his sensitive hearing. He saw a small figure standing in the doorway. The figure stammered something about a bathroom and left, leaving him with his prey.
He kissed her passionately again. She wrapped her arms around his neck. They were locked together when he bent his head once more to her neck. Slowly his teeth sank into the soft, vulnerable skin.
She held him closer to her breathing heavily. She felt there was something wrong, that this was wrong but she didn’t care. The feeling was like none she could have ever imagined. It felt sweet and tender, like lying on a fluffy bed covered in silk.
She was becoming drowsier by the minuet. Her eyes fluttered. She still felt that gut feeling telling her to get away, but she didn’t listen, she didn’t care anymore. It felt too good to let go.
He dug deeper into her skin. He knew he should stop, let her live. This was wrong and against everything. He went on, not able to stop. Human blood was too good, her blood was too good. She was near death now. Humans were so fragile. She finally went limp in his arms and stopped breathing. He could hear the last little blip of her heart go out. When he came back to his senses he sank down to his knees cradling her in his arms, hugging her. He cried for her.
When the party was over and everyone was either gone or passed out he snuck out into the night with her body. He had to get rid of it later when he had help.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
interesting. on to the others.
Hey Vampy_Girl15!
I must tell you this right now that I agree with deavarna_satina that I am a sucker for vampire love stories. So, I already love this story, just because of that!
Now, for my review: all I did was copy/paste your story (SO much easier to correct this way) and put all my corrections in bold.
Hope this helps!
Prologue
“I’ve loved you since freshman year. I want us to be together. I love you.” She told him everything. She’d kept it in for a long time but she just had to tell him. She wanted to be with him.
[I must be blunt with you. I really don't care for the beginning to start like this. But, knowing me, I just don't like stories to start with dialogue. But, on another note, at the very end, you say "She wanted to be with him." For some reason, I just don't like how blunt you are here. I think you need to change this last line so it is more subtle.]
“I can’t,” he murmured as he walked towards the door. Without thinking [comma] she quickly grabbed his wrist tightly and tried to pull him back.
“Don’t go!” she pleaded. He pulled her hand away from his wrist, cutting her in the process. “Owe!” she said. He stared at the blood longingly. [reword here. This last sentence should read: He stared longingly at the blood.]
He stammered, “I have to… I have,” he walked towards her and kissed the bleeding cut. She reacted to his kiss by pulling his mouth to hers. His teeth grew to their full length [comma] jabbing her tongue and lip. Blood flowed into his mouth, human blood. It was still exhilarating. He kissed a small trial to her neck.
Someone barged into the small, dark room. The music from the party went from a faint whisper of noise to blazing ["blazing"?? do you mean "blaring"?] and irritating to his sensitive hearing. He saw a small figure standing in the doorway. The figure stammered something about a bathroom and left, leaving him with his prey.
He kissed her passionately again. She wrapped her arms around his neck. They were locked together when he bent his head once more to her neck. Slowly [comma] his teeth sank into the soft, vulnerable skin.
She held him closer to her [comma] breathing heavily. She felt there was something wrong, that this [I think "this" should be in italics. It would give it a more powerful look] was wrong but she didn’t care. The feeling was like none she could have ever imagined. It felt sweet and tender, like lying on a fluffy bed covered in silk.
She was becoming drowsier by the minuet. ["minute"] Her eyes fluttered. She still felt that gut feeling telling her to get away, but she didn’t listen, she didn’t care anymore. It felt too good to let go.
He dug deeper into her skin. He knew he should stop, let her live. This was wrong and against everything. [Add "But" before "he" in the following sentence] He went on, not able to stop. Human blood was too good, her blood was too good. She was near death now. Humans were so fragile. [start new paragraph here] She finally went limp in his arms and stopped breathing. He could hear the last little blip of her heart go out. When he came back to his senses [comma] he sank down to his knees [comma] cradling her in his arms, hugging her. He cried for her.
When the party was over and everyone was either gone or passed out [comma] he snuck out into the night with her body. He had to get rid of it later when he had help.
WHAT?? You're killing her?? WHAT??
Oh, that makes me so very sad, Vampy. Very sad.
But now, back to your review:
I really did enjoy this. It makes me want to read on. So, you score tons and tons of points there, by capturing my attention.
The only thing I have to comment on is how you switch between what he is thinking and then what she is thinking. It sort of gets confusing in some of those transitions. You might need to make them clearer, because they are sort of blunt in the way you switch.
And, I must agree with KJ that you need to include more description in this. You have what the characters are feeling and what they are thinking. But, I want to know what the weather is like, what the music is like. Is it a Rock band playing? Or is it a sweet, slow song? Is the weather cold? Humid? Stormy? You need to show me!
Otherwise, very nice job!
And I am on to the next installments!
I don't know. To be honest, this still doesn't do it for me. There's nothing UNIQUE about it. It IS better as a hook and a beginning, granted, but it just doesn't stick out. I feel like you still haven't found that idea as an introduction that will be right for this.
Otherwise, this was pretty well-written. I would adjust the spacing, but seeing as how this is so short, it isn't a huge deal. And I would add much more description of their surroundings, expressions, etc.
Keep writing. If you keep trying, you'll hit that one perfect hook.
I do this sometimes, too. The two adjectives in the same breath, it's awkward. "She quickly grabbed his wrist tightly..."
Get rid of one of them, that's all.
Like a few other people have said, explain how he cut her, and maybe put it more like this: "He pulled his hand away, (explain how he cut her at this point)." Oh, there doesn't have to be an 'e' in 'ow'. And maybe put 'squealed' or 'exclaimed' in the place of 'said.
I just added the comma.
Again, just added the comma.
I'm guessing that the misspelling of minute was just a typo, so I fixed it.
Replace 'little blip' with something else: "He felt the last, feeble beat of her heart." or something like that.
Again, just the comma thing. ^^
Overall, it was interesting, but you need more description, for example: what he looks like, where they are, etc.
Other than that, though, it was pretty good. Just needs a little less... cliche-ness.
Best of luck!!
-Sela
You need to fix the format and put space between paragraphs.
I would suggest throwing this out and beginning again. If you want to write a vampire story you MUST take a new spin on the whole subject. We have all heard this story before and are not remotely interested by a random girl getting sucked on by a random vampire.
Start over. Think up a new character, use your imagination.
I'm not trying to be mean, I just think you have potential and I don't want it to be wasted on a cliche vampire story.
You spelled this wrong. It's usually, Ow. But you can also use 'ouch' if you'd like. =D
Now, on this it's just a personal preference, something I would do for dramatic effect, but I think you should try for more of a pause between mouth and blood. Something more like
Blood flowed into his mouth; human blood.
Or really, anything that provides a bigger stop than a comma.
I'm fairly certain you meant trail, as opposed to trial.
This just seemed awkward to me. Or, not smooth or clean. It could be the repetition of the word 'from', or it could be that you said 'a' for the first thing, and described the second, which made it seem like a separate statement...Um, there are a lot of ways to change this to make it better, for example:
The music went from a faint whisper of noise, to a blaring siren which irritated his sensitive hearing.
I'm not so fond of the use of the word figure being used twice so close to each other. Try describing it a little bit more, which will not only add to the imagery and make everything more real, but it will also get rid of the pesky word repetition.
Ah, what a difference a comma can make. The way it is, you make breathing heavily sound like it's a possession of hers, which of course, it isn't. It should be written as so...
She held him closer to her, breathing heavily.
Where it says HI there is a variety of words you can use to replace it.
as if
like
to name a few.
Minute =D
I think here, you're trying to have a serious and slightly dark tone, but when you say 'passed out' all I can think of are drunk people, who are, for the most part, hilarious. I think that you should change this sentence to make it more serious, and add to the overall mood of the piece.
This was written pretty well, just give it some read through and a little more thought before posting and it could be great. I like the story you have going so far, it's pretty marketable at the moment, as everybody loves vampires. Just make sure that it's not too marketable. Nobody wants to read the same story over and over and over and over and over and over and...well, you get the point.
Keep up the good work, I'll be moving on to the next part =D
-JC
Much better!!! Much more original. But she dies in this one...? Is she dead or just unconscious?
now I like this much better than the first. ^_^ Can't wait to read more.
OverEasy has done the nitpicking here, so I wont bore you with revisiting. I like your idea here. And you have used some good descriptions. A vampire romance *sigh*. I'm such a sucker for them. It's sad that he killed her, and in the prologue too! I assume that this isn't your main story line, the love between these two characters, or you wouldn't have revealed that she dies right here. If their love IS the the main story line, don't give away the ending at the beginning! Just re-read it to gloss over any mistakes and it will be great. It will be interesting to see how this tale develops. Let me know when you write more:-)
Prologue
For some reason this is a very awkward place to start, I feel like I am just being thrown into a conversation. Maybe start off with her looking at him, or something similar.This confused me, what exactly cut her? Mayby I'm the only one confused here but I didn't get it
This all moved very quickly, first he is kissing her wrist then they are making out. Also I really don't think "Jabbed" is the right word here, maybe sliced or something like that?
I'm not sure "prey" is the first word either, first you talk about them like lovers, and now he is basically calling her food. I just don't think that works. However that could just be me, I'm sure many people won't find the same thing I did.
This all got very choppy.
This is good, I like the contrast from the situation she is in to feeling like she is on a fluffy bed.
A better start than the previous one. Keep detail in mind, and word choice. That will help you a lot in the future. And all so keep in mind that every reader is going to have a different view on this, so some people might like the word choice where I did not. It's all about perception
Good Luck!
OverEasy