Published December 30, 2009
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Sorry if this seems a little brutal, but I'm just trying to help.
First of all, I agree with pinkangel that you should probably brush up on some of your grammar rules and be extra careful when your typing. A lot of things that would have been 'see' ended up being 'seen', which should actually be 'saw'.
A lot of your imagery is good, but I think because of the grammar and spelling mistakes your writing comes off as kind of rudimentary.
Now on to the nick-picking:
You could eliminate 'with dark decor.' Or word the sentence differently, such as 'I sat quietly in my darkened bedroom.'
I know it's already been said, but once again you don't need that comma. Also, maybe replacing 'a 14 year old' with 'her 14 year old' would sound more natural. There's just something odd about this sentence.
This 'beautiful disaster' is the title of your piece, and yet you don't explain it at all. If its going to serve as your title, it really should be addressed more fully, which would also make this chapter longer.
In my opinion, her mother seems to be yelling from nowhere. She may be exasperated, but I don't think she would be yelling. But that's just my opinion.
Also, try to avoid double punctuation. I know it's tempting, but usually one can suffice along with a tag, like '"You're out of your room?" Mom sounded shocked. I rarely came out of my room.' To me, exclamation point imply a raised voice, but that may just be me.
This should be 'a black and white movie.'
'I was biting my black painted nails' sounds a little better. And what does biting her nails have to do with her shivering legs? If they're not related they probably shouldn't be connected in the sentence.
Maybe 'I guess getting scared to death makes you hungry' might sound more natural.
For the most part, this is good. Just look at it one more time a bit more critically. Keep writing!
I really like it. But that just might be me. The scenery needs expanding a lot as do the chapters. Still a good read, keep writing! It mostly seems right although some of the speech seems fabricated. For example:
Thank you so much. Nice dancing elephant. Yes, i know everyone thinks character talking to the audience was stupid. I don't think so. Thanks alot Mage_banks. Thanks for commenting on me. It means alot! You rock!! Escpecially for putting it in a magazine.
mackenzie
I liked it. The main character talking to the audience was smart. I like how you write. But the main thing is you are expressing yourself! Keep it up!!
Ok, thank you.
My only crit would be to say more about the scenery and make your chapters longer. You could pull each of those scenes out a lot more.
Thank you, I will.
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i like it, a lot actually! i love how the main character is talking to the "audience". also how its very suspenseful!
the only thing i think you should fix is that the locked door part on the ending. i had to read that part around three times to realize that the mom got the door open. i think you just might want to make it a little more clear in that part.
over all i love it! hopefully you'll write more!
I posted chapter 2.
Thanks, I'll work on chapter 2. You hellped me so much.
This is really good!!! But this bit bugs me-
Maybe this would help? 'returning to my bed, i picked up the book and pretended to read it. However, i was actually listening to The Tellers - they're the voices - and what they had to say.'
I liked it and there were some other bits but they've been pointed out anyway... Anyway, great job and i would like to read more!
Oh yeah... and isn't there a song called 'beautiful nightmare'. or is it called 'sweet dreams'... can't remember.
Thanks anyway.
You don't have to put spaces after quotation marks and before the dialogue. It should be like this: "Sorry." I say.
Needed a comma.Doesn't need to be italicized and needed two more commas.
The 'm' needed to be lowercase.
I can't really comment on the plot since there's not enough yet, but it doesn't capture my attention so far.
About the talking to the reader, it's in her point of veiw and most people would think that. Thanks for the advice.
I'm not trying to sound rude or anything, but it's annoying when you post again on your post to tell people to review. I know you want reviews, but you only had it up for an hour before you did that. Anyways, on to the review.
I know that this obviously isn't part of the chapter, but it seems obvious what point of view it's in once you start reading. (Also the chat-speak makes me shudder.)You should probably elaborate on dark decor. That could be so many things, and you could easily just tell what the room looks like if that's what you want to do. (I personally wouldn't describe the room since it seems like there would be no point in doing so.)
I'm not the best with grammar, but I'm pretty sure that that is a run-on. Another thing with this sentence is why does she have a flashlight? You never mentioned that the lights were off or anything of the sort.
Take out the comma.
I don't get it. Are you talking about her living in a fantasy world? When you say you don't know the half of it you're talking to the reader and assuming things. It's a bit annoying. This is the same as before. You're assuming. And you know what they say about people who assume...
Take out the ... I would take out the while and make it completely separate sentence.
Make the first period a comma. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it applies for speaking and thinking.
You say my mother yelled twice. It becomes repetitive after awhile.
All in all, it was okay, I suppose. Once you learn and apply some of the basic grammar rules and things you'll be better. This idea is one that I don't think I've heard before. Another thing to work on is not talking to the reader like you're telling someone a story face to face unless you really want to. Then you would have to work on it a bunch and change it up. I hope that was a good enough review for you. I usually don't do long review like this, so I hope I'm not giving you bad advice.
Keep writing!
I'd really like it if you guys didn't read and go. Comment please even if it's tips, they are really helpful! Tell me what you think of it, if it's good I will write more. Star it also, all that means so so much. Feel free to quote things and fix them! Thanks
- Kenzie