Published August 25, 2010
~*~SHADOWS~*~
shadows creeping
and i try to hide
Another victim strolls right by
all the monsters from under my bed
woke up and want more dead
So i hide with a crucifix in hand
Don't want to be part of the dead
All the shadows want me gone
And trust me i might be long
LET---ME---OUT
DON'T WANNA BE IN HERE LONGER
LET---ME---OUT
Even though I know they're stronger
So ill hide so the shadows cant get me
Ill go where they'll never see
Ill hide in the church til dawn
I just hope they will be gone
Waited till dawn
Even then they're not gone
Looks like ill have to fight
But ill wait til night
Night comes closer and closer
But i know nothing could be worser
So Ill fight til the end
Though these wounds I cant mend
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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hey, Moonlight speaking
So I really liked the theme of the lyrics which reminded me quite clearly of vampires and all that weird stuff. Anyhoo, this shouldn't really be in the lyrics category. It's more of a poem and that's about it. Now you may be saying well a song is basically a poem, and for the most part thats true but songs have a certain structure to them. For Example, Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge-(Another Verse that's optional)-Closing Chorus. or verse-verse-bridge-verse and a few others that aren't as commonly known.
Now on to grammar:
This line doesn't really make much sense to me so reword it a bit.
For these two lines there seems to be a switch from past tense to present tense. I think it would sound better as Wait till dawn, but they're still not gone Or just add an "I" before waited.
Till*
Worser is not a word! Haha try another word or just plain "worse". Because when you said worser I realized how hard you were trying to rhyme everything and it just sounded BAD.
There should be a comma after the I in I'll and another L in till. And that last line again sounds like you were trying too hard to think of a rhyming word and really just doesn't fit or make sense.
Overall, I did like the theme of this "poem" because it was dark and mysterious, which is really the best. So keep on writing and I'm really sorry if I was too harsh I'm only trying to help.
*Mo*
This is an interesting poem, I like it, for the most part, but something about it doesn't sit well with me...I'm not sure what it is. Maybe that's what you were going for?