Love Is Like A Rose.....

by VampieKitten

Published October 24, 2009

Love is like a wild full grown rose.
It's the color of a heart when its swelled to its
maximum capacity of love for its mate.
It's beautiful.
It's red...the color of your blood as its thorns prick you.
You can't help but ignore the pain as it draws more and more.
It's killing you slowly as you listen to its sweet words.
The sound of the wind floating softly through its ripe red petals.
You want to believe it will be okay as you stare into its beauty
and listen to its sirens call.
It's ebbing away at your heart...turning you cold...cruel.
But your stubborn and wont let it.
You still believe it wants to protect you as it envelopes you in
its sweet flowery fragrance.
It starts to hurts worse...your dieing.
With its last call to you it tells you you'll be alright,just let go.
...It's not and you don't.
As you cry body wrenching sobs you drop the rose and walk away...
Like the red red
rose, love must also
wilt away into nothingness.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
AyumiGosu17
Review
AyumiGosu17 wrote a review Review · Oct 28, 2009

Yeah, uh, sorry, but I couldn't finish reading this. Halfway through, I was...shutting down on it. Here are my main problems with it. Note: my comments are in blue, and my edits are in red. I left your original text black.

Love is like a wild, full-grown rose.
It's the color of a heart when it's swelled to its
maximum capacity of love for its mate. <--- Yeah, there are too many words here. It's almost as if you are forcing yourself to sound formal, but you're, in reality, making yourself sound like a total fool covering an ill-called bluff.
It's beautiful.
It's red...the color of your blood as its thorns prick you.
You can't help but ignore the pain as it draws more and more.
It's killing you slowly as you listen to its sweet words.
The sound of the wind floating softly through its ripe, red petals.
You want to believe it will be okay as you stare into its beauty and listen to its Siren's (a Siren is a mythical creature, but, for some unknown reason, it's a rule to capitalize it) call.
It's ebbing away at your heart...turning you cold...cruel.
But your stubborn and won't let it. <--- Come on, now, please? Really. How many careless mistakes can you possibly have in one poem? And again, you're dragging it out, unnecessarily. Sometimes, less is more.
You still believe it wants to protect you as it envelopes you in its sweet flowery fragrance. <--- Now, exactly. What did I just say about being too verbose?
It starts to hurts worse...your dying. <--- Come on! What grade are you in? Certainly not kindergarten. I assume you know by now that "ie" changes to "y" when you add "-ing". Always.
With its last call to you it tells you you'll be alright,
just let go....It's not and you don't.
As you cry body-wrenching sobs you drop the rose and walk away...
Like the red, red rose, love must also wilt away into nothingness. <--- VERBOSE! Now, I'm not saying I don't like the message; it's a very good message. But you took too long to get the point across. WAY too long.


I hope you don't take offense. You just touched on one of my pet peeves, is all.

User avatar
RockingWriter Review
RockingWriter wrote a review Review · Oct 25, 2009

I really liked it! It was an interesting way to think of this simple object. Only thing that I would change is grammer. A few of the 'its' needed apostrophes, as did some other words. Other than that, nnice job! :D

break~my~heart wrote a review Review · Oct 25, 2009

I liked this..

I want to point out, however, that you should probably stick to using black "ink". This makes your work look more professional and worth reading. Also, I see that you have three posts and no reviews. To post something, you really need to follow the rules, and review at least two items first ;)

Other than that, I loved your piece, and the metaphor of a rose was nice touch, however overused. The only things I would work on are spelling, and rhythm.

Good job :)

-ash



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian