Published October 10, 2008
She pulled him closer, feeling every inch of his body tight against hers. Clawing, pulling at his shirt, and seeking out skin like an animal. Her want was raw; she could taste it, like the tang of a fruit, in her mouth. She could feel his hands on her, tugging and yanking at her in return. She aided him with her jeans, the devil button and zipper; her bra, with its impossible clasp. He was getting better, she mused. Or, he was always irrevocably, undeniably, purely good.
It hurt sometimes to think of just how amazing he was, how much he could baffle her and send her babbling—meaninglessly—forth, with just one smile.
She was getting better—they were getting better. One word—that “we”, that “they”, that “us”—bonded them and sent her reeling backward in time to the beginning as she felt his mouth crash down upon hers.
His hot body melted into her. His thumb dipped just under the waist-band of her knickers and she lost control. His teeth sunk into her lower lip and—mind spiraling—she knew what was bound to happen; she wanted it to happen. Innocence blurred as he slid silk knickers down her hips. Her body lifted, wriggled, and adjusted in aid, kicking them off. She kissed him again, pushing forward; her heart swelling. His boxers were a slip and a tug, and no more.
Skin on skin: “we” together. And when he plunged into her, the world faded into the background, dimmed by his blindly radiant image. She couldn’t focus. She couldn’t breath. She could only feel him. Beyond any barrier, beyond all reason, she pulled him closer, deeper, moaning and muttering with every wave of ecstasy he caused her to feel.
She couldn’t control herself, flipping him over as lust rose within her, possessing her and causing her to smirk at him and toss her hair, playing the seductress she would never be.
She just wanted to dive into his sharp blue eyes—wanted to penetrate his eyes and mind with the deep emotion she felt. Her nails dug in and as he whispered for her to, “help him finish,” she knew she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t let go. She continued, recklessly, picking up speed, faster and faster still, until her heart felt like it might explode. And without warning, without any notice—except the bruises he left imprinted into her hips—he came.
Like an intense release, her soul felt as though it were soaring upward faster than sound or light. For a moment, she couldn’t even see him, couldn’t even feel her own body: independent and blissful. She slumped onto his chest, panting and sweating, when she regained her sight and the pleasant tingling feeling that her skin permeated. His skin hummed with warmth.
After a brief moment she moved herself, pulling up, disengaging herself from him and momentarily moving from his chest to lie beside him. She clung to his side. But as she lay there, with her face pressed into the hot flesh of his neck, she knew it was not enough. She clutched at his hand—clutched to a reassurance in the back of her mind. He nearly loosened her tongue when he kissed her forehead... but she swallowed the jumbled O L E V back down, locking it away in a cage made of steely fear. Left clinging to him, always selfishly wanting more, she feels remarkably warm and inconceivably contented.
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
that was a awesome story!
Woo. Imaginative. I wonder how much of this applies to your personal experiences??
I joke!
I am in the process of editing... it's very good.
Well done
Shall be back very soon with a critique for you
Mostly all the comments are pretty much the same as mine.
You have a good flow, and good use of emotions and descriptions. Everything just pieced together perfectly.
The only thing that kind of bugged me, though I think someone already mentioned it, was that you never told us their names. I guess it isn't a big deal, but I guess it would be nice to know them
Also, I'm not sure if you intended to spell LOVE wrong or if it was just a typo, but I decided to point that out as well.
I guess all I can really say is that I thought you did a good job!
Hey, I just stumbled across this and I really enjoyed it! I had a few thoughts while I was reading it, and I'm not sure if they'd help but I thought I may as well contribute...
I may have read the above sentence wrong... It's highly possible. In my head, re-arranging those words made sense, but perhaps it would make less sense in the minds of the sane?
Again, I may have read that wrongly.
Nevertheless, I thought the writing was awesome.
XD
it's great i didnt see any flaws....but you should write something to go around it...to make it more of a story rather than just a short entry i think it could turn into a really good romance
I could literally see what was going on in your writing, along with what the girl was thinking.
I give it two thumbs up
One for description, the other for concept.
Her being too selfish to want more than just the sex.
Her holding in the thing she's scared will run him off.
:]
I loved it.
Thank you everyone. I appreciate all critiques and opinions.
To clear up a few things, I had intended this to be a short piece. Although both characters in it are very important to me and do have a story-line, names and personalities behind them, this is all contained in my head at the moment. The reason that it is short and that I haven't extended it or chosen to yet is that the characters represent my boyfriend and I. This piece was actually written for him as a sort of fantasy-fragment in our story as a couple.
Although I have considered extending it and having the characters' story mirror our own and us. I'm not quite sure though, yet. Pseudonyms I have been considering are Joe and Samantha. And I've been contemplating having a novella written about the pair, how they met and how their relationship evolves called, "Falling Fast, a love story about Sam & Joe."
Wow. Truthfully I can't find anything wrong with this piece except correct the spelling of
L O V E. Lol!
The only other thing I would probably say is that you could possibly give the characters' names? If you're making it into a story then definitely give them names. If not and this is it then don't worry about it. Names help get rid of some of the confusion but if there's only two people what's the point?
Hope I helped! =]
BTW This story is STELLAR! xD
So I don't ussually read stories like these so there is no need to be harsh, it was quite interesting the description you gave I mean. But what is it a story or just a peice of writing?
I liked how you gave a description of her feelings and not just of what was happening. I believe the words 'short but sweet' would apply here.
Are you intending to take this further?
I loved this piece!!! It was very very good.. I cant give any critique to it.. It explains the want and need to be together, and It is awesome.. WOW. I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
your doing a great job!! cant wait to see more from you!
Keep it up!
*Emily*
Thanks to both of you for critiquing my work. I have read your suggestions and applied those that I also agreed with. I greatly appreciate all and any advice.
Thanks! And I'm glad you enjoyed the piece.
Hello VampX13. I'm Jazz!
The first time i read this, i was going to say take out the comma after fruit, but now im not sure. But the : shouldnt be there. It would make more sense as a comma or a ;
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You had a flow going here. Comma after bra.
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For flow purposes take out 'no'
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This could be one sentence
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I'm guessing you are trying to chose a word to use here? Well since in the previous sentence you used "They" Since there isnt and we or us in this paragraph
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I like how you used 'bound' instead of 'about to' It's just less predictable when you used bound. I dunno why. Nice. =)
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Very nice descriptions. But just add at the top that there is some sexual stuff. Just in case you attract the eyes of young readers. =)...that tends to happen from time to time. Also, I'm not really getting why you used a : at the top. Could that just be a dramatic sentence?
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I think that this was really good. It had a lot of excelent descriptions.
I loved every sencond of it...do with that what you will. =)
--Jazz
Conceptual Review
An enjoyable narrative. A caution, however, on reliance to pronouns. Though the script does not necessarily require names, the amount in use currently detracts from the overall feel in its overabundance; it becomes convoluted. As romantic fiction goes, an equilibrium of realism against cliches is an art which is difficult to master. The piece successfully achieved such an equilibrium. The narrative was cleverly written, with description complimenting the theme. It would be improper to say that males would enjoy this too much, but such a thought would not be a stretch to imagine.
Analytical Review .pdf (See below)
Just a couple reviews would be appreciated. I'd like to improve the above piece.