Published July 17, 2010
What we take for granted is more than you'd believe
Often what we take for granted is everything we need
He took his dearest love for granted every single day
And yet it came a shock to him when she didn't stay
If you've ever taken love for granted, one day you'll know why
Pain and sorrow feel eternal when that loved one dies
Heed these words, these very words- although they are cliche-
Cherish liberty, life, and love every single day!
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
It's true, your rhymes are a little more unique and interesting. I enjoyed the slant rhyme of believed and need.
However, your overall theme is delivered about as vague as a fortune cookie's. All of it is a lead up, opening the wrapper, crack open the cookie, and then is says: "Cherish liberty, life, and love every single day!" Without specific examples, emotion conveyed, or images, your entire poem could be reduced to that one line and we wouldn't have lost much.
That's a throwaway line. Telling us to heed the words adds no effect to just telling us the words. It in fact takes away the effect because you admit that the words are boring and cliché. The thing about clichés is that they're so trite that we don't really care for them without an attractive spin.
And this part confused me. He took her for granted, so she left and he didn't know why. But if we take love for granted, we'll soon find out because the one we love will die(?). Leaving voluntarily because you are unhappy is different from death (usually). Link these ideas better or separate them.
So my advice is: ground your ideas in reality. Give us something to wrestle with: images, emotion, interesting thoughts, anything evocative. And really thrust it in, don't just graze the surface of the subject. Maybe get us into someone's mind, their actions, their emotions, their thoughts.
Okay, so I thought this was nice.
The part when you talk about a 'he' is a bit confusing though, because you transfer from telling about his love that left to a whole different concept in just two lines - so I'm thinking you could either elaborate or put a dot there, so there would be some sort of pause.
I love the endign lines. It's really nice and well written in my mind. It flows, and I like how the rhymes are not the usual rhymes everyone uses
Good job!
Ofir
Hi, I'm bluewaterlily, and I'll be reviewing your poem today. Your poem was good and it had a good theme that was conveyed strongly. Your poem also had a nice flow and rhyme scheme. And you ended the poem on a nice note.Though, I did catch one error.