Young Writers Society

AN: So here is a piece which is the beginning of a story I am in the process of writing. I need help with editing this so please point out any grammatical errors you see! I also have a problem of switching between different tenses. Again, if you see me doing that please point it out so I can correct it. I most likely wont be posting the next part of this; I mainly need help on just tidying this up before I continue writing the story. Thanks in advance! And I hope you enjoy this. :D

P.S - This piece helped inspire my other work called 'The Eyes' so there may seem to be some similarities between the descriptions.

"Charlotte!" A voice called out disturbing the girls daydreaming.

"Charlotte, I said are you okay?"

"Sorry, yes I'm fine. It's so beautiful here. I can't stop admiring it..." Charlotte replied coming out of her daze. "Thank you so much for taking me here. I know you don't like this kind of thing," she looked over to her boyfriend of three years. His short hair, which was a dark brown, seemed to gleam in the sunlight. Hakon had contrasting bright blue eyes with rectangle glasses covering them.

"It's okay baby, I know how much you love it." He smiled sweetly at her stroking her hair and leaning over to place a kiss on her lips. Her eyes filled with longing as he pulled away; desperately wanting more than a light kiss. Charlotte moved forward and snaked her arm over his chest until her hand was resting on his cheek, gently pulling their faces together. Their lips locked together with passion, treating every touch as it were their last. They broke apart to catch their breath and the couple lay in each others arms on the grass.

They were in the beautiful gardens of an old lord who had been well known for his Tudor style layout. There were rose bushes of every colour with grass pathways in between them. The couple were laying on a patch of grass that was surrounded by red rose bushes in a circle around them except for a space to exit at one point. It was a beautiful English summers day that gave the gardens a life of its own. You needed only to close your eyes and you could imagine being in a world of your own. For Charlotte, she had felt like she had be transported back to the Tudor era where women had beautiful gowns and were courted by gentleman. She had already decided that Hakon was the only one for her and he had already told her many times that he only ever wanted to marry her.

They lay there intertwined on the grass for what seemed a long while, just enjoying each others comfort. "Let's have one more walk around and we can go yeah? Maybe get something to eat?" Hakon smiled at Charlottes suggestion. "Sure thing baby whatever you want. Today is all about you remember. Your 21st is a special birthday after all."

"Thanks,” Charlotte laughed slightly at his reply, “I'm so lucky to have the perfect boyfriend." Hakon chuckled.

"Don't get too carried away. Remember I only have a bit of money. How are you feeling about McDonalds??" Charlotte jabbed him in the ribs.

"Cheeky! How about pizza?" He rolled his eyes at her compromise.

"Because that is so much more grander." Charlottes face lit up as laughter broke through her lips. The shine of the sun seemed to come from her. Her long brown hair bounced lightly as she laughed, showing the small waves and curls that appeared towards the end of the strands.

Charlotte jumped up and pulled Hakon with her; brushing grass off her knee length summer dress. "Time for that last walk." She chirped and pulled him from their secret garden. They continued to walk through the rose garden. A butterfly of blue and yellow fluttered down to land on Charlottes bare shoulder. Keeping completely still she smiled as Hakon took a picture of this beautiful sight with his phone. Despite the blazing sun he wore black converses, an old pair of plain jeans and a simple t-shirt with a collar. Without warning the butterfly flew away to continue its short life. Charlotte sighed at such a melancholy thought as watched her butterfly fly into the sunlight.

"What's up?" Hakon asked, wondering what had brought the falourne look upon her face. "Nothing," she replied with a smile. Her face lifting but her eyes lingering with sadness. "There's a certain loneliness in all this beauty, don't you think?" Charlotte replied looking into his beautiful face. He smiled sweetly and said "I guess so,” Hakon replied while tucking a strand of lose hair behind her left ear. “Focus on the beauty and the peace it brings being here. It's your birthday baby don't let a butterfly bring you down." He chuckled slightly to reassure her.

"Yeah your right," Charlotte replied with yet another sigh, "Why don't you wait here while I just have a final look at this part and then we can go?" Hakon couldn't keep the joy from his face. Truthfully, he had gotten bored a long time ago and couldn't wait to leave. Yet seeing her this happy made the boredom worthwhile. "Alright, I'll be waiting for you just here."

"Okay, I won't be long!" She answered striding off to her favourite part of the gardens. Hakon rolled his eyes as she went; he was prepared for her to take at least half an hour.

Charlotte walked slowly around and around in different patterns through the secluded garden. There were roses of different colours assorted in a way that, from high up, would show the most dazzling patterns. She came to a halt at the base of the Tudor rose pattern. There among the green leaves was a deep violet rose by itself. It seemed to lean towards Charlotte, wishing that she would smell it's beautiful perfume and fall in love. Needless to say, she was in awe of the stray rose that had no brothers or sisters near by. It was there solely for her. A present from the garden she thought. It did look odd and drew attention away from the pattern of roses above it. Charlotte was slowly convincing herself to reach out and take it. It would serve as a souvenir of the wonderful day she had. Her hand inched forward incredibly slowly as if waiting to be caught so that the action would be stopped. The petals of the rose were the only things in her vision. The stem brushed her forefingers and then a short sharp pain shot through them. A dark red that rivalled the reddest rose trickled out of her skin. Beads of blood gathered to pour over her finger. 'Damn,' she thought, 'how did I not see that.'

While she was admiring the small prick, she did not notice a figure slink out from the hedges of the maze behind her. It moved soundlessly towards her, drinking in the image before it. A void of onyx filled where it's eyes should be, slowly clearing with each step it took towards the human. Charlotte jumped as the stranger laid a hand on hers. Turning to see who had touched her, she found a man who's green eyes peered into hers as if looking into her soul. Long ebony hair cascaded down from his head. Her startled eyes roamed down his handsome form yet couldn't focus on anything except his face. He had pale features with an aged beauty which filled her gaze.

Slender fingers brought her cut finger to his deadly cold lips. Lost in the trance of his eyes, Charlotte did not resist this movement. Treating it as an invitation to continue he continued to place the tip of her finger in his mouth. Had she not been frozen by his features she would have seen the evil glint sparkling in the seemingly green eyes. He held her gaze as he caressed her thorn torn skin with his tongue, gently easing the crimson liquid into his mouth. Reality dragged Charlotte back to the present. No longer did his gaze entice her with sweet promises. Instead the black void creeped back into them sending her promises of another kind. Of pain and death. Of unimaginable torture. She screamed inside her head trying to break the hold he had on her. To any that was watching would have only seen her shaking slightly as if a breeze had swept through her. A sinister laugh rose from within her and suddenly she had control of her body again. Without a moments hesitation Charlotte stumbled away, pulling her hand back to safety, and run away from whatever that was. The further she moved from the dark presence the more she felt the warm sun and heard the birds singing.

Finally she made it back to Hakon with tears staining her face. "Charlotte! What happened? What's wrong?" He brought her close in an embrace to try and rid the look of her horror she beheld.

"I-I'm not ... I think... I-I don't know." She replied, shaking with fear as if in mid winter; causing her to stutter. “Let's just go,” she managed to get out. A spell of dizziness befell her causing her to sway and lean onto Hakon.

“Ok baby lets go,” he agreed, feeling spooked by her sudden change but not letting it show. He held her closer and began walking back to the car park.

Charlotte remained silent for the rest of their day. Hakon tried teasing replies out of her but would only get a shake of a nod of her head in reply. She wasn't hungry anymore so he drove straight back to their apartment. Throughout the whole car journey, Charlotte had tucked herself into her seat as far away from him as she could get as well as avoiding his gaze.With each passing moment Hakon became more and more worried. What had brought on such a change? Charlottes' mind was a mess. Even with her eyes wide open all she could see were the haunting black holes of the strangers eyes. They wouldn't leave her head. When she looked at Hakon the eyes would spike with anger. Images of his flesh falling from his skin as the flames consumed him would fill her vision. She knew it wasn't really happening - it was because of the eyes - however this knowledge didn't lessen the horror. Charlotte was smart enough to keep quite about her new vision. For now.