Survival Of The Fittest

Hello, znale1! I'm here to leave you a helpful review!

I understand how this is supposed to start out as one thing and then turn into another, but I think that the two worlds should be a little more connected. For example:

Could it be the Goblin,

I'm not sure who the narrator is talking about. If they are talking about their mother, I feel like it's not a very realistic choice for a child to be thinking about their mother. I used to be afraid to even think anything like that about my mom. I think that a more realistic choice would be to use "giant" instead of goblin. That way, a sense of size difference is conveyed, and something that shows that particular character as something looming over the narrator, but doesn't have the insulting connotation.

In the same direction there's a scream followed by a vicious growl

Two things about this. First, it should be "from" instead of "in" at the beginning because in implies that the narrator is going that way, which they aren't. The other thing is the content. I do appreciate how you connected it to the end, but the end is very lighthearted, and a dog bite is nothing to laugh at. By law, if a dog bites, they're to be put down. This family might not put the dog down, but it just mars an otherwise nice ending. Maybe you could say that you hear barking, and have the sister trip over the dog and scrape her knee? As if they were playing? I think it would fit the tone of the story better overall.

At the end, I feel like you should just remove the birthday part, as there's nothing that really points to it being the narrator's birthday until that point. It was an added detail that didn't really do anything for the story.

Now onto the grammar portion of the review.

You had a lot of comma splices and run-on sentences, as well as a few errors in tense. I'll do my best to highlight and explain what you should do to them to make them grammatically correct.

I knew the forest like it was my own home, I knew where the mutated creatures lived, where not to go and the most of all I knew where IT was hidden.

This is a run-on. You can fix it by breaking it up into smaller sentences. I also suggest using italics for "IT" instead of capitalizing it because it will look more professional.
Here, try this:

I knew the forest like it was my own home. I knew where the mutated creatures lived, where not to go, and most of all I knew where IT was hidden.

I head north into the easiest, quickest and safest direction….

You can't really head into a direction. I mean, you can, but you can't enter it, which is what you've got going on here. Also, you use too many periods in your ellipsis. In fact, you do it consistently throughout the piece. Ellipses don't need periods after them, even if you're ending a sentence with them. Furthermore, I don't really see a good reason for you to use an ellipsis there. A period would create a stronger effect than trailing off into nothingness.
Try this:

I head north: the easiest, quickest and safest direction.

I hear a howl from the East, someone’s in trouble!

This is a comma splice sentence. It has no conjunction, only a comma. You can fix this by putting a semi-colon where the comma is instead of the comma.

No, it’s the survival of the fittest, but can I actually do that?

While I don't think that this is technically grammatically incorrect, it is awkward sounding. I suggest putting an em dash where the comma is instead to create more of a pause than just a natural comma pause. Commas are for natural pauses, but you need stronger punctuation for realizations such as this one.

Time passes by and every now then I hear my name get called out.

You have a typo here. You missed the and in every now and then.

I don’t give up, I push away the thoughts and carry on.

This is a comma splice sentence. I suggest breaking this one up into two sentences, as the thoughts are unrelated enough and both independent clauses, so they can stand on their own. Put a period where the comma is.

My first instinct was to leap into one of the bushes.

The rest of the story is in present tense, so you should change "was" to "is."

“Come out, it’s time to go.” A voice calls out harshly.

When writing dialogue, you should end the dialogue with a comma if you're going to put a dialogue tag after it. You do, but you used a period. Put a comma after "go" instead of a period.

Come out you spoilt brat, it’s OVER.” Spits another, their voice is familiar, annoying and irritating.

While using a t for past tense is regional, I'm just going to add that "spoiled" is the correct spelling where I am. Also, I'm giving you the same note here as the previous note: use a comma at the end of dialogue. You also have a comma splice here. Put a period after "another" and you'll have it all fixed up.

I leap onto the egg, before mum pulls me up by the ear.

Take out the comma after egg.

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you, I called your name out a hundred times?

This is a comma splice. Also, the second half isn't a question. Punctuate it like this:

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you? I called your name out a hundred times.

She goes on but I’m just happy I got my egg to be honest.

Put a comma after "on."

I shuffled back into the house where Ally, and Ben stood there waiting for me.

Take out the comma after Ally. You only need a comma before a conjunction when you are connecting two independent clauses in a compound sentence. Here, you're just listing names.

In closing, I feel like this could be fleshed out a little more. Give us more excitement in the hunt. Perhaps refer to the treasure as "the golden egg." Anything made of gold can sound like treasure. Also, an interesting idea would be that the "mother goose" is guarding the golden egg, which would be a nice spin on it. I would also describe the surroundings just a touch more.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!