Author's Note: I wrote this story for a flash fiction assignment in my Creative Writing class. Since this couldn't go over 500 words, I wasn't able to put in everything I wanted, but this is a Men in Black fanfiction. Hope you enjoy!
Susan loved watching people before work. It was one of her hobbies to go to the café down the block from her office, order her steaming cappuccino and apple cider donut, and sit in the back corner, facing the rest of the café. Everybody had interesting stories to tell visually alone.
On this day, though, Susan was watching for somebody specific. Taking a slow sip of her cappuccino, she straightened her tie and checked her watch. Five minutes before nine o’clock. The impatient man quickly paid for his coffee and hurried out the door, bumping into other tired people. Susan sighed and ate a piece of her donut thoughtfully. She was cutting her time close today. Her boss would not be happy, even if he had sent her on this assignment to begin with.
The bells above the door rang loudly, and the loud murmur of people and coffee machines dimmed instantly. Susan sharply looked up.
A tall man wearing the most mismatched set of clothing swaggered into the café. His Christmas sweater looked like it illuminated under the lights, but it looked comical matched with the striped pajama pants and bunny slippers. The man, totally oblivious to the stares he was getting, gave everyone finger guns and winked at one woman. She stared at him. Unnoticed in the back, Susan wrapped her donut in the napkin and tucked it in her purse.
The line parted easily for the man, and he strolled up to the front, leaning on the counter. The barista gave him an uneasy smile.
“Good morning—”
“I would like a cup of your finest beverage, please,” the man said, slapping the counter. Susan stood up and started walking towards him. He didn’t notice her.
“We have coffee, tea —” The barista gestured to the menu above her.
“How about this cof-fee?” he asked, squinting at the words.
She listed off the options that he would like in his coffee. “Whatever is good for me,” he said. “Your drinks are a hundred times better than the crap on my home planet.”
“What?”
“Hey, Frank,” Susan said casually, sliding up to the counter. The man started, then stared at her guiltily. “Remember what we told you about being inconspicuous?”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” Frank said. “I got so excited. Earth has the best coffee, you know?”
Susan nodded and took a pair of sunglasses and a metal stick out of her pocket. “I know. I’ll take you to work with me. We’ll go over some more training.” She waved at his outfit. “And give you better clothes.”
Frank smiled sheepishly. Susan glanced at everyone else in the room. They gaped at the two of them. “Sorry, it’s his first time on Earth,” she said. “You know how exciting it is to go to a new place.”
She put her sunglasses on. “Now, if everybody would direct your attention to this, please.” She turned the neuralyzer on. The room flashed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hio! I saw you being online earlier and wanted to check out the stuff you write :3
I like Frank :3I already like the first paragraph :3 We get a strong feel for the MC and it kinda sets a bit of a cozy atmosphere too!
Unless this guy is the specific person she’s watching out for, this should be “an” not “the” impatient man here: “The impatient man quickly paid for his coffee” <the> implies that we’ve seen him before.
Wait I am confusion. Is she here longer because of the assignment or is she just dallying? You can’t do both: “Her boss would not be happy, even if he had sent her on this assignment to begin with.“
Awwww
What a cute story :3 Thanks for sharing!
Greetings @Valkyria,
As a fan of Men in Black, I was very exciting to read this fanfic. And I must say, it was a total blast! The intro totally caught my attention with Susan being all mysterious and observant at the café. I mean, who doesn't love people-watching, right? It's like a secret hobby we all have.
But then things got even more interesting when Susan was waiting for someone specific. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering who this person could be. And when that tall man with the crazy outfit strutted in, I couldn't help but burst out laughing! Christmas sweater, striped pajama pants, and bunny slippers. That's a fashion statement right there!
I loved how the man was completely clueless about all the attention he was getting. Finger guns and winks? Classic! And Susan, being all suspicious and cool, knew exactly what was up. I could totally picture the whole scene in my head, like a movie playing out.
The dialogue between the man, Frank, and the barista was hilarious. Frank's enthusiasm for Earth's coffee made me smile. And then Susan comes in, being all professional and serious. It's like the perfect balance of comedy and seriousness.
And that ending! Wow! Susan pulls out the sunglasses and the neuralyzer, like she's about to do the iconic "wipe the minds" secret agent stuff. I could totally imagine the room flashing and everyone being left dazed and confused. It's like a cliffhanger, leaving me wanting to know more!
If there's one thing I wish for, it's that the story could have been longer. I wanted to see more of Susan and Frank's adventures together. Maybe some training sessions or missions they go on. But hey, I get it, you had a word limit to stick to.
Overall, "Women in Black" was a super fun and entertaining read. It had me hooked from the beginning, and I couldn't stop smiling throughout. You did an awesome job bringing these characters to life and creating a hilarious situation. I hope you'll write more stories like this in the future!
Me,
Red Riddle Rose
Thanks for the review!
hello! momo here with a review :)
i loved reading this! men in black is such a great series, and you captured the vibe of the movies very well in such a small amount of words. i would love to see you expand and write more with these characters! i have some notes on places that could be improved, so let's get into it!
this sentence feels a little awkward. maybe rephrase it like, Everybody had interesting stories to tell just by looking at them.
this character has not been introduced yet, so this sentence feels out of place.
that's it! you did a very good job with this work; i like it a lot. and i'm sorry if i came across as harsh or rude in this review, that was not my intention.
keep writing!
momo
Thanks for the suggestions! You weren%u2019t rude at all.
Hello, Foxmaster here! I just tried to insert a fox gif rolling on the ground and saying on the bottom they see my rollin' but failed at that. I apologize for the typos here, as I am typing this on a phone.
Sooo.... I haven't ever read/watched men in black, thus while reading this I was like, whaaaaaaat? So, here the guy is an alien, right? I feel like maybe you should explain this to general idiots like me, ha-ha. Also, what's she doing with the neutraluzer? I generally enjoyed this, but wonder what Susan says s doing with an alien (if he is an alien)
Good morning, noon, afternoon, or evening @Valkyria! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to give you a tiny review/comment.
Your descriptions in your writing are great, even the dialogue. The first character that you have introduced, Susan gave off a classy vibe. With her order of a coffee, and a donut. On the other hand, Frank, felt pretty immature since this time was his first time on Earth? The dialogue and the descriptions are good but I didn't not understand most of the plot. Maybe you expand your story, just a little bit more and explain more about the story. Unless I may be missing out on the other writings you have written in the Related Items of this story. Or is it related to Men In Black?
Overall, it is still good. Keep on writing! Writing reviews for masterpieces and writing masterpieces for other people to read is nice too. Okay, I'll see you around c:
Thanks for the review! I just added an author's note to give future readers a heads up. Basically, this is a flash fiction of a Men in Black story. Since it's flash fiction, I just wanted to give a clear beginning, middle, and end. Maybe I'll expand more on this in the future!
You're welcome! I would love to see more too c: