Amaryllis

Was college supposed to feel like this? An ocean of tank tops, sweaters, heavy backpacks pushing and separating on a narrow staircase between classes. Everyone still fumbling around as they tried to find a rhythm in the first week. Realistically, Zienab knew that this wasn’t any different than her past schools, but the sheer wave that she was actually a college freshman was hitting her with full force—or was that another person’s backpack? She nervously smoothed out her hijab. The moment that she had been dreaming of (and dreading) since middle school was finally here.

After her psychology class, she followed the crowd downstairs and out the entrance, finally getting more than an arm’s length of space as everyone spread out. But the sunlight was making things harder to see, so she popped out her sunglasses and slipped them under her hijab where they nicely tucked over her ears.

The campus teemed with activity. On the open space, students and faculty were setting up white, folding tables across from and next to each other. There seemed to be dozens, but as she gazed quizzically at them, not a reason as to why came to her mind. She cut across the field, watching students walking together or lounging on the grass, laughing and chatting with each other, texting on their phones, bonding. Her family made it seem like making friends was easier in college. But everyone here seemed to know each other, and they looked like they belonged.

In a scarf wrapped around her head, Zeinab felt like she was a boat lost in sea, and everyone else was anchored to shore.

She came to her residence hall, swiping her key card to unlock the door. Then, passing by other students without a word, she went up to her dorm. Her roommate, Anna, looked up from watering her plants and gave her a bright smile.

When she was assigned a double, getting a roommate was both exciting and nerve wracking: getting to make a new, possibly life-long friend, or living with someone who wouldn’t understand or accept her faith. But Anna was so sweet that Zeinab wondered what she was even worried about.

“Did you have a good class?” Anna asked. She dusted some dirt off her sweatpants.

“It wasn’t bad,” Zienab said, shrugging off her bag. Pink flowers that she’d never seen in the room before caught her eye. “I see you found another one.”

Anna’s face lit up. “Isn’t she beautiful? I saw her at the farmer’s market and I had to bring her home.”

Zeinab hummed, surveying the room. As agreed over the summer, they had matched their bed sets and decorations with warm colors of yellows, soft oranges, and pinks. It was a sharp contrast from all the plants and flowers of various sizes in Anna’s side. They were flowing over the windowsill and on the top shelf on her desk. Botany majors.

Anna had tried in vain to get Zeinab to get her own plant, but Zeinab, already bad enough at taking care of herself, would probably end up killing the thing. In the end, they settled on a couple of fake succulents that sat cozily on Zeinab’s desk.

“Are you going to the fair today?” Anna asked. She was giving the last plant (a pothos, if Zeinab was remembering right) its turn of water. A long strand of curly, blonde highlighted hair fell over her face, and she tucked it back over her ear.

“What fair?”

“The Club Fair, silly. Didn’t you see them setting up out there?”

Zeinab unwrapped her hijab and flicked it on her desk, where it half-covered one of the succulents. She fluffed her long, dark hair over her shoulders. “Right. I forgot that was today.” She sat at her desk and started combing her fingers through her hair, carefully breaking apart any tangles. In the mirror, her olive-skinned reflection stared back at her. “I might stop by.”

“Well, I’m going to check it out. Do you want to come?”

“If you won’t mind?” At Anna’s head shake, Zeinab grinned.

“Great!” Anna said. She stepped over Zeinab’s bag and opened her closet’s door. “Which one do you think?” She held up two low-cut crop tops, one sunny yellow and the other viridian green under her chin. “Actually, no, I like the yellow one better. My boyfriend gave it to me for my birthday. He’s so sweet. You met him before, right Zeinab? Isn’t he wonderful?”

“He’s a doll,” Zeinab said, lightly. “Does he still go to the gym?”

Anna’s face went red, and she spluttered out a yes, Frank does go to the gym, and he is still very sorry that he forgot to get dressed before Zeinab walked into her dorm.

Zeinab laughed. “I’m just teasing. He’s very nice.”

“Oh, good,” Anna said, cheeks still pink. “So, do you like the yellow top?”

“It’s cute,” Zeinab said half-heartedly, giving the crop top a distasteful glance.

*****

Within the hour of passing by the field, the clubs had finished setting up their tables, and a huge crowd of people had formed on the grass. Zeinab and Anna grabbed drinks under the big tent at the front.

Anna had changed out of her pants into denim short shorts. She scrolled through her phone. “Are you looking for anything specifically?” she asked.

Zeinab shook her head. The paper cup did little to shield her hand from the ice-cold water. “I’m just looking around,” she said. “I don’t know what’s here.” She fidgeted with her black maxi skirt.

A group of students pushed past them. Zeinab grimaced at one of the girls’ miniskirts. It looked like it was barely covering anything.

“You okay?” Anna asked. “You were staring at that girl. Did you know her?”

“No, no,” Zeinab said, tearing her eyes away. “Just thinking. So, do you know what kind of clubs are here?”

“My friend told me that they have something for everybody,” Anna said, though she didn’t look convinced about what Zeinab said. “There’s like 60+ clubs.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice,” Zeinab said, looking at the long stretch of tables in front of them. Anna laughed, and Zeinab smiled.

There were sports clubs for soccer, badminton, and field hockey. The Drama Club propped up a trifold of all the plays they did in the past and photos. There seemed to be a club for every academic major, like creative writing, math, and environment. Anna eagerly signed up for the last one.

“Frank was supposed to come too, but he’s hanging out with his friends,” Anna said as they continued walking around. She rolled her eyes. “I love him, but… how do you deal with that?”

“Oh, um, find some time to do things together, I guess,” Zeinab said.

Anna hummed, looking away. Internally, Zienab cringed. She was never good at relationship advice whenever her schoolfriends came to her. She usually ended up repeating general advice that she heard elsewhere. It didn’t seem to help with Anna.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Anna asked.

“Hmm?” Zeinab had been looking at the Makers Club, eyeing the 3d prints of the Eiffel Tower and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. “Oh, no, I don’t.”

“Not interested?”

“Yeah, and well, it’s against my religion too, so…” Zeinab shrugged. They tossed their empty cups into a trashcan that was dangerously close to overflowing.

“Really?” Anna stared at her wide-eyed. “That’s kind of strict.”

“You’re always wearing that thing over your head. You know you don’t have to be forced to cover yourself, right?”

Zeinab’s blood boiled.

“I don’t think so,” she said, trying to keep her voice light. “We don’t do dating, but people still get to know each other and decide if they’d be a good match or not.”

“Still, how will you know if you really like them?”

“We talk, I guess, which is more than other people can do without getting all over each other,” Zeinab snapped.

Anna stared at her, cheeks coloring deeply before she looked away.

“I didn’t know that,” she muttered.

Well, now you do, Zeinab thought bitterly.

***

The breeze offered a cool break from the heat as the sun continued to beat down on the field. It also served to cool down the simmering tension between Zeinab and Anna. Sneaking little glances Anna’s way, Zeinab pulled down her sleeves to fiddle with them. The other girl was looking straight ahead.

Guilt stabbed her in the chest. Why did she have to say something like that? Anna hadn’t meant any harm in her comments. She just didn’t know. Like every other person Zeinab had met.

It was sunny. And hot. The custodians had opened the windows in the hallway to allow the breeze to slip through and cool down the high school juniors in between classes. Loud conversations about schoolwork, athletics, and the creepy history teacher filled the air.

Zeinab opened her locker and put away her science textbook, rifling through the books to look for her math folder. Two girls were talking on the other side of the locker door, but she was ignoring them until she heard her name mentioned.

“What’s that?” she asked, pulling the door back to look at them. Lily, the girl who said her name, glanced at her.

“We were just saying that we feel really bad that you can’t wear what you want,” she said.

Zeinab blinked. “What?”

“Your scarf. You’re always wearing that thing over your head. You know you don’t have to be forced to cover yourself, right?”

“And you never go out with anyone,” Sarah said, eyes wide. “That’s not normal.”

“Umm, thanks for your concern, I think,” Zeinab said, “but I am perfectly happy to be single. And nobody is forcing me to wear my hijab. I like wearing it.”

Lilly and Sarah looked at each in disbelief.

“You don’t have to lie to us, or yourself,” Lily said. “We know your religion is strict.”

Hot anger coursed through Zeinab’s veins, but she pushed it down.

“Okay.” It was the only thing she said.

Zeinab looked at Anna again and caught her eye. They both looked away quickly. Out of the corner of her eye, Zeinab noticed an ice cream truck. Just the thing to get on friendly terms again.

“They have ice cream over there,” she said slowly. “Do you want to get some?”

Anna looked over. “Sounds good.”

They found an empty bench to sit on, taking a short break before they explored the other end of the Club Fair. Anna went to get the ice cream, leaving Zeinab by herself. And with her thoughts.

Not dating wasn’t bad. It was normal, completely normal for to never be in a relationship ever. Right? She glared at the ground.

Why was she so upset about it anyway? She loved her faith and wouldn’t even dream of disobeying it in any way. But, seeing everyone around (since middle school, no less) in a relationship at some point in their lives hurt. Her parents would tell her that this was ridiculous, that she was better off focusing on her studies than getting caught up in that nonsense. Not like Lily or Sarah or the other girls. She knew there was drama, and she was glad she wasn’t part of it at all, but it felt like she was always one step behind her friends, who dated someone else for weeks and she only heard of it now.

She was lonely. And even though she would never do it, she wanted it.

Silver-colored sandals filled Zeinab’s vision. She looked up and saw her roommate holding two ice cream cones. Anna gave her an awkward smile.

“Mint chocolate chip is your favorite, right?” she asked. “I thought you’d want some.”

“Oh, yeah, thanks,” Zeinab said, lifting her own lips up in an awkward smile too. She took the ice cream, but she didn’t eat it.

“No problem,” Anna sat down, lifted her chocolate ice cream to her mouth, but she paused. “Um, are we okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“About earlier.”

Zeinab winced. “I—Listen, Anna, I’m sorry about what I said. That was really shitty of me.”

Anna started to laugh. At Zeinab’s questioning (and somewhat annoyed glance), she explained, “I’ve never heard you swear before.”

Zeinab laughed too. “First time for everything. But seriously, you didn’t deserve that.”

“Thanks. And I’m sorry about what I said too. I was insensitive. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Thank you, Anna. That means a lot,” Zeinab said. She smiled warmly at her.

Anna gave her a crooked smile. “You know, I saw the Muslim Student Association at one of the tables when I was walking back. Maybe we can check it out?” She ducked her head slightly, fidgeting with her pants leg.

“I’d love to,” Zeinab said, “and you know, some of those plants at the botany club table looked cool. I was thinking about getting one, but, well, you know more than me—”

Anna gasped so loudly that the birds were startled out of the tree. “That is the best thing I’ve heard all day.” She grabbed Zeinab’s hands and stood up. “I have the perfect idea.”

That night, before Zeinab went to bed, she placed the amaryllis on the windowsill right over her head.