Shades of Violet(3)[pawn]

Hey everybody. I'm putting this on earlier because of the great demand. Chapter three! Answers are given and question are asked. Enjoy!

~Shades of Violet~

[3] [pawn] [Saturday]

Derek found me waist deep in thought when he finally returned, empty handed. He walked out from behind the book shelf with the biggest smile on his face; it seemed to touch both his ears

I looked at him quizzically, wondering why I couldn’t be that happy all the time. He took a few steps toward me when I realized why. Another face appeared; it was Emily. She smiled at me too, completely striking me with awe at how similar they looked.

Emily was around five feet tall, and very eccentric. I think it was her goal to see how many different colors she could wear in one outfit. Today she was wearing a pink and white checkered jacket, and rainbow converse. Her hair was pinned and gelled up into her usual style, but there was a new purple streak in it. She laughed at me.

“You like it?” She asked, twirling the purple strand between her fingers. “My mom let me get it after we left the hospital. I think she felt bad for me.” She laughed again and sank down into a chair.

“Yeah, actually. I was thinking you looked a little dull lately,” I answered, laughing as she gave me a look of horror. “Kidding.” Derek sat down next to Emily, obviously not happy about the hair issue. “Chill Derek. At least she’s not dead,” I teased. He looked at me and broke into a grin. “So, I guess they let you out early?” I asked. Emily’s eyes glinted with amusement as she answered.

“Better than that: My mom pestered them so much that I don’t even have to go back for a checkup. By the end of it, I think they were glad to be rid of us,” she answered.

“Well, we haven’t been up to much since you left,” I said, and stood up, stretching my legs. They joined me and we began to leave the library.

“What do mean nothing? I saw you talking to a girl!” Derek declared, watching Emily for a reaction. She glanced at me suspiciously.

“Spit it out, Black,” she ordered in a faked serious tone. I looked at the ground, quickly thinking what to say. This was going to be hard to explain.

“Do you know anybody named Violet?” I asked Emily, as we passed a window, revealing a downpour and dark skies. She thought for a moment before answering.

“No, I don’t think so, why?”

“Well she was the girl.”

“Where’d you meet her?” Derek asked, apparently amused at the conversation.

“I saw her in auditorium last night, and we talked today in the library,” I answered lowly.

“ ‘Bout what?” Derek asked again, this time earning a glare from Emily. I ignored Derek’s question and gave one of my own.

“Have you ever felt like something really huge is happening, and that you could, you know, be important if you just knew what it was?” I asked. They both thought silently for a moment.

“I guess not,” Emily answered, shrugging her shoulders and reapplying her lipstick.

“Are you talking about what happened this morning?” Derek asked. I nodded at him and Emily looked questioningly at me.

“What happened this morning?” She asked, and clipped her lipstick shut.

“It’s hard to explain,” Derek began to answer.

“I think I imagined gum into an empty pack,” I finished.

“Is this what happens when I leave?” She asked jokingly.

“No, seriously. The pack was empty, and then I imagined gum in it, and then it was there,” I said, and Derek nodded.

“Are you sure it wasn’t full the whole time?” She asked. Derek nodded vigorously, confirming my thought. We walked quietly for a while, listening to the battle being waged in the sky outside. I shivered, remembering the chill that had rushed up my body earlier. We were approaching the steps that ended at the cafeteria when Emily spoke up.

“What does Violet have to do with this?” She inquired.

“She-she does weird things when I touch her,” I answered, realizing too late how weird what I had just said sounded. Derek’s laugh resounded up the staircase.

“Well, most girls do. You wonder why you’ve never had a girlfriend,” Derek joked. I gave him a playful shove. He tumbled backward and fell on his butt. “Dude, I was just joking!” He said angrily as he stood back up and smoothed his clothing.

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were so fragile,” I retorted. Emily looked at me- waiting for a continued explanation. “Well, last night at the auditorium she touched me, and I felt like I was on fire. Seriously, it was painful. And today I grabbed her arm and I began to freeze. It’s really starting to freak me out,” I said. We entered the cafeteria just as I finished. I quickly scanned the room the room, hoping to see Violet. She wasn’t there, but a lot of other kids were. Apparently Emily wasn’t the only one let out of the hospital early.

We found an empty table in the corner. Emily and Derek left to get dinner but I stayed behind. I wasn’t hungry. Too many questions were swirling around in my mind. Like what had Violet meant when she said about people talking? What was she so afraid of? Was it me? I was so immersed in myself that I didn’t notice Emily and Derek sit down. Only after Emily asked me if I was sure if I didn’t want to eat did I notice them.

I shook my head and looked back down to the table.

“Are you O.K?” She asked. I nodded and wiped my nose. I hated colds.

They left to dump their trays and I sat in solitude. A heavy sigh made me look up. Somebody had sat down across from me. He was African American, and had dread locks that reached past his shoulders. He looked up at me.

“Sup,” he said, and filled his mouth with mashed potatoes. I stared at him as he swallowed his food. “What?” He asked.

“Who are you?” I asked. He nodded.

“Jayshon Dramir,” he answered, and held out his hand. “And you?”

“Um, Bradon, Bradon Black,” I mumbled, and shook his hand. My eyes widened as I noticed something on the back of his hand. It was that mark. It was the exactly the same as the one on Violet and Derek except the lines were dark green.

He followed my eyes and quickly redrew his hand.

“I saw that this morning. I’m not sure where it came from. My mom always threatened to kill me if I got a tattoo,” he said, and pushed his tray to the side.

“My friend has one like that on his chest,” I said. “We assumed it was a reaction the vaccine.”

“Yeah right. Have you ever seen a reaction look like this?” He asked, and placed his hand back on the table. I looked at the mark. It was so intricate and perfect. I shook my head. “That’s what I thought.”

Derek and Emily returned and I introduced Jayshon. He seemed like a cool kid. He said his mom made him come here after he sent three kids to the hospital in a fight at school. He said it was in self defense. Obviously his mom didn’t think so.

We decided to go to the game room and hang out there for the evening. According to the flyers in the hallways, there was going to be a movie shown at nine. We still had at least two hours to waste money on the arcade games.

The arcade must have cost a fortune. It was huge, almost half the size of the library, and jammed full with games. There were even some decent prizes.

We walked in together after we made stops at out dorms to get some money. Jayshon didn’t have any so Emily said she’d share with him. Both of Emily and Derek’s parents were surgeons, and money was always flowing.

The sound of the games flooded my senses and the smell of buttery popcorn.

“I never win these games,” I said to Jayshon as we walked up to a ski ball machine.

“Then why do you play them?” He asked, looking happily at the coins in his hands.

“Well, for fun.” We both tried a go at the ski ball. I failed miserably and Jayshon totally owned. By the time we had spent all our tokens, his pockets were exploding with tickets. I didn’t really care that I hadn’t won nearly a quarter of what he had. I just loved seeing how happy he was.

It was the funniest thing: a six foot black kid laughing like a three year old as he won game after game. I hoped Derek and Emily were having this much fun. Finally, I pulled him toward the prize table and away from the mesmerizing machines.

The guy behind the table looked pretty annoyed as Jayshon unloaded all his tickets. Jayshon didn’t even notice. His eyes were already glued on the prizes.

By the time the tickets were counted, and Jayshon’s pockets were refilled with candy, little aliens, and yo-yos, Derek and Emily found us.

“How many tickets did you get?” Derek asked, his mouth open wide at all the prizes Jayshon had.

“Almost three thousand,” he answered. Derek looked down at his tickets with a new perspective and frowned. Emily punched Jayshon in the shoulder.

“Good job Jay,” she congratulated. “Pretty good for your first time.” Jayshon smiled, and Derek walked away bitterly.

We decided that we didn’t care much about the movie. So we headed back to Derek and my dorm to hang out for a little before we went to bed. It only took us a few minutes before we were all sprawled on the carpet, chewing on tootsie rolls.

Emily and Jayshon were playing a game of chess. Actually it was more like Emily was teaching Jayshon chess. Derek and I watched lazily, our stomachs full of cheep candy.

“No, that piece only goes diagonal,” Emily said, and laughed. “I told you that the last time.” Jayshon looked up in dismay,

“There are just too many rules,” he growled, aggravated.

“It’s hard playing games that don’t only take luck,” Derek whispered to me, still bitter. I ignored his comment and stood up.

“Do me a favor,” I said, beginning to pull my shirt off.

“What?” Derek asked, standing up with me.

“Tell me if there’s a mark on my back,” I ordered. I twisted around, facing my back to him so he could see it clearly. He was quiet for a second that then I felt him touch my back. I arched, feeling his cold fingers.

“Yep. It’s the exact one on my chest,” He said.

“What color is it?” I asked, and turned back around.

“Blue,” he answered, and handed me my shirt. I pulled it over my head. Thoughts were spinning through my head again. I wondered what this mark was and where it came from. It couldn’t be a coincidence that they all appeared right after the vaccine.

I sat back down on the ground and watched the chess game. They were playing with the set my dad gave me when I was a kid. That was before my parents divorced and my mom sent me here. I still remembered how fun it was it was playing with him. It was the bridge between us. He always won, but I didn’t care about winning. It was more fun just being with him.

I focused on the pieces, they were made of glass. One side was a murky white, and the other was onyx. I remembered how smooth and cool they felt in my hand. I could almost feel the slight bumps and rivets that accumulated over the years. I stared at the board, focusing all my imagination on a pawn. I could imagine it on the board, I could almost see it. I squinted at the board in concentration, and then my eyes widened. It was right there, standing on an edge square of the board. I let out a gasp.

Tell me what you think. Remember to "like" it if do you!

Check out this drawing of Violet:

coming soon: (after I find out how to put it on)

Comments & reviews · 10
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User avatar
Lydia1995
Review

Hello Valentine, here is the critique as promised. Sorry that it took so long.

I haven't read the previous chapters but I am pleased to say that this made me want to read them. This has already been thoroughly critiqued and pulled apart grammer wise so I will give my general thoughts on the characters as they appear in this chapter.

I liked that this was in 1st person, it made the piece personal and that was a good way of expressing your MC's feelings.
I also really liked Emily's character, she was so natural and realistic that she could have lived next door. I really felt like I was your MC talking to her and that she was in the room next to me. Well Done!
Derek is also a strong character, I can see that you really have thought over them and you really write well as them.

I am interested to see where the plot is going to go with this, it looks really interesting. As TearsLikeRain said you could throw in some romance easily with this and it would add some spice to the story. You may want to consider that.

Overall Well Done! I look forward to reading the first two parts, and of course the next part.

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

User avatar
TearsLikeRain
Review

Amazing. This story is so great. I already love Emily. She seems like so much fun and very outgoing. Please don't take her away. You should put some romance in there between the two. Maybe a love triangle. Like Emily is crushing on Bradon, but Bradon is becoming obsessed with Violet, and Violet just being elusive like some sort of fragile butterfly. You know? I mean if you don't plan on putting any romance in there, then that is fine to. But in my own opinion, a little bit of romance always makes a story better. (:
Just something for ya to think about. Anyway hurry up with the next part. I really can't wait to read on.

“She-she does weird things when I touch her,” I answered, realizing too late how weird what I had just said sounded. Derek’s laugh resounded up the staircase.

Also I really thought this was funny. You should add more stuff like it. I literally could not stop the laughter from coming. Keep it up!

User avatar
BondGirl007
Review

Well Valentine, it's been pretty thoroughly criticized so I'll just but in my thoughts on this chapter alone, since I still have yet to read the first two.

Even though I haven't read any of the other chapters, I was really really interested in this, it made me want to go back so I could get the whole story. That is really rare for me, so you know you've got something good here. The dialogue and characters I think are great, the interaction between them is pretty realistic, and that's awesome.
The plot seems really interesting too, I can't wait to read the first two parts.

Keep writing!

~Hope

User avatar
Demeter
Review
Demeter wrote a review · Mon Mar 08, 2010 6:16 pm

Hi, Valentine, here as you requested.

Now, obviously I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'll just say whatever came to my mind when I was reading this.

This really seems interesting. It's not what I usually tend to read, but I somewhat enjoyed it because of the writing itself. Your style is easy-going and light to read, and overall very smooth. There some polishable things, though.

I focused on the pieces, they were made of glass.


To get rid of the unnecessary, you can just say "I focused on the glassy pieces."


They both thought silently for a moment.


I would tell you to change this to "They both were quiet for a moment before answering", but you say that a few lines earlier, so it's not a good choice to repeat it here. Although, I think you could do well without the earlier one, and just edit this one so it will sound better.


“I guess not,” Emily answered, shrugging her shoulders and reapplying her lipstick.


"Her shoulders" is redundant. Also, this makes it sound like she's putting lipstick without a mirror, or at least you don't mention a mirror. As a girl, I know it's impossible to put on make-up without a mirror. :P So do something to indicate that she indeed has one.


I think your characters seemed realistic, at least the dialogue bits did. I don't really want to have Hippie do my job, but he made some excellent points that I wish he hadn't made so I could say them instead :P I hope this helped even a little, and sorry for not digging deeper now.


Demeter
x

User avatar
Valentine
Comment

Yeah. I've been noticing that myself. I guess I didn't want to reveal things too fast. Now, I realize that I'll have to show more. Prepare to me in awe.

User avatar
Hippie
Review
Hippie wrote a review · Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:10 am

I'm finding this is beggining to drag, because the events aren't exactly reflecting the thing we readers are interested in - the curious marks. Nothing of any significance really happens when they're at the arcade.

That aside, I don't think they should even go to the arcade. At that point, he knows 3 people have got this mark, and he's made chewing gum magically appear. Going to the arcade is unbelievably blase. Why don't they go see the school nurse or something? They should be scared. They should be freaking out, and have thousands of questions running through their minds. People are naturally curious, and these characters aren't cutting it at the moment.

Jayshon's introduction is also quite abrupt. He just comes over and sits across from Bradon, and it appears he only chose that seat by chance. Chance is quite a weak force for plot cohesion. It would be more satisfying if he sat next to Bradon because he suspected he had a mark as well. Maybe he'd seen Bradon hallucinate at the auditorium the previous night and wanted to confirm whether it was the vaccine that gave him the mark.

“I saw that this morning. I’m not sure where it came from. My mom always threatened to kill me if I got a tattoo,” he said, and pushed his tray to the side.

It could be a life threatening disease. It could be some supernatural curse. Yet he's worrying about his mother getting angry at him? These characters are lacking the most basic human emotion. Fear.

It couldn’t be a coincidence that they all appeared right after the vaccine.

So it takes 4 people having this mark for him to realise it's not a coincidence? I'm afraid Bradon's coming across as quite thick (I mean very). One such mark should be enough to cause alarm.

Concluding, most of the issues are because the plot isn't moving forward fast enough. After reading 3 chapters, I'm pretty sure that the reason for this is passive characters. They're observing, but not taking action. For a story to be interesting, you need at least one character to actively move the plot forward. Someone needs to be curious and trying to find out why they've got these marks, or experimenting with their powers, NOT going "oh would you look at that, I'm magic, anyway, who wants to play video games." Good characters do things, not have things happen to them.

User avatar
Valentine
Comment

Thanks shine. I'm sorry, (I don't live in Colorado) I think I'll change it though. I like rainy places better. From now on, I'm interviewing my friends on their reactions to specific situations so it's more realistic. Thanks again

So... Well... I've got a bone to pick with you. I don't know where you live but I can tell you it's not Colorado. I can tell that because I've lived here my whole life. You mentioned in an earlier chapter that this school was in Colorado. Then in thsi chapter you said that it was pouring outside. Unles you're talking about snow it's not true. Unless it's been an unseasonbly warm winter which you should probably mention beacuse then every Coloradan that reads this book will have a strong dislike for this story. Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed this story but that seriously annoys me. Also you have some serious time-lapse issues. Derek and Black go to the library after breakfast and then he talks to Violet and then Emily shows up and then they eat dinner. That's like (just guesstimating) a eight hour difference with only two hours of description. Maybe it's just thaat something's missing. If they woke up late that would make more sense or are getting lunch instead of dinner. Also, just a little pet peeve, don't mention the movie if they aren't going to see it, or at least explain that that's the reason they went to the game room in the first place. Alos Mr. Jay. Please develop the meeting seen between Black and him. Not just 'There is a guy sitting at my table. "Hi there. How are you?" "Good I'm Jay" Emily and Derek show. "Jay meet my friends. Lets all go to the game room..."' Kind of boring and random. It jsut doesn't make sense. Why would he just show up? Perhaps they could've met before in a class and Jay's trying to avoind getting in a fight or something. Last thing lots of grammer errors. Just read it out loud and you'll see where it sounds awkward and wrong. Overall very good. Starting to drag a little but you've included some excitment with the marks and the imagining. It just feels like in certain places there is something missing. Not suspensful and mystery'like but sort of that there's a backstory there that you don't know. I don't know how to help with that but maybe as it goes on it'll get better.

Thanks for the story
Your welcome for the reveiw
~Shine

User avatar
Pretty Crazy
Review

I thought it was great- as always. But your killing me, more than ever I want to know what's going on. The story is enjoyable but it's almost torture that everything is just happening as normal. Almost. I don't find it boring, oh no.
It's just starting to drag on a little. Like get to the point. I'm not sure if I'm just overeager to read the rest, or if it's actually dragging on. This is really enjoyable, the detail and flow of your writing makes it so.

The sound of the games flooded my senses and the smell of buttery popcorn.

It may sound better like this:
#008040 ">
The sound of the games and the smell of buttery popcorn flooded my senses.


Conclusion:
I admire your ability to describe things without becoming boring. Try to get to the point soon. And post more soon!

~ Crazy :P

User avatar
Sionarama
Comment

OMG!!! I can't wait to read more!



Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars