Spring Magic

hello, vuzfek..

hhmm.. Spring Magic.. nice title you got there.

okay, inspite some redondency, and some flosses, it was fine. i really like ton give you a gold star.

i love this:

Everything wants to witness the magic of this colorful spring day
But the sun begins to set
And the magic begins to fade
The moon rises and it's the end of the day

nice job... simple, lucid and very descriptive... the imagery was nice

a couple of things though...

Spring Magic

White, fluffy clouds are scattered across the piercing blue sky I don't mind fluffy to describe clouds.. even though it is overused I think that it still gets the message across. Although I don't particularly like it here to be honest: the adjective doesn't match piercing... like fluffy and piercing rarely coexist do they??
Flowers of every color dance in the light breeze
A mixture of aromas play across my nose
making me smile Captial m to fit the rest of the poem
The sun is shining bright on my face
I embrace the warmth like a hug from a loving grandmother
The soft earth feels cool under my body this is kinda a pet hate of mine so forgive me for sounding overly pedantic: you use an adjective in front of the noun (soft) as well as afterwards (cool), this is ok but I really don't like it when the two adjectives don't compliment or reflect each other; when they are unrelated. I feel this doubling up cancels out both descriptors, in effect killing the imagery because its like cramming too much info into a single line. It would be better if you said: "The earth feels soft and cool under my body."
I hear the birds singing a song of praise to the beautiful day
The icy water sparkles like diamonds across the lake
As the fish spring up from its hold these two lines are gorgeous!!
Everything wants to witness the magic of this colorful spring day
But the sun begins to set
And the magic begins to fade
The moon rises and it's the end of the day
You kill the poem too quickly in my opinion, I think it would sound better if you tempered it slowly: letting it fade softly like an actual sunset rther than sort of cutting it quickly.


Overriding message: I think Extend it, its beautiful, but its a bit skeletal: Adding a bit more detail and softening the ending would flesh it out and make it richer and thus more powerful

Good work though. Keep doing what you do

Brendan

i loveddd the imagery!

Not bad. It is as good to read as it is to see the picture created in one's mind.

However, I must say a few things.

making me smile

I don't know if this was sent already or not, since I messed something up. I'm not exactly an expert on computers! But I'll start again. I liked your poem, but I expected it to be a little longer. I don't think that's a bad thing, but it wasn't as detailed as it could of been. A spring day is hard to be captured in just one poem! The title made me think of describing spring as a whole, not one day, but it works either way. I especially liked the comparison of the sun's warmth to a grandmother's embrace. It's creative and unusual. Some of your description words weren't quite as unique, but overall the poem was detailed without too much information. However, some ares could use some elaboration, particularly when referring to the senses. A few words here and there didn't match up the the idea of a 'magic' spring day, but it was a good poem, short and sweet.

I quite like this one, it made me smile too. It's simple, but, how do I explain. I think, pretty, would be the word. I like it as it is, without the intricate poetry stuff.

I like the way you've used verbs like 'dance,' and 'play.' It gives the scene life rather than just images. I think that's why calling it 'magic' works too, because it's as if even the smells are alive.

If there's anything to critisise, I'd say the ending made me feel really sad. It would be better to clip off the last few lines, and describe the sun setting in a similar way as you have the daytime.

There you go, two opposite opinions. Have fun

Hi, VUZFEK.

The title of the poem really intrigued me at first. Unfortunately, (not being deliberately mean, don't take this the wrong way please!) but the poem was a slight disappointment, because I expected something much more magical than just a description of a day. There were some highlights though, and I especially liked

The icy water sparkles like diamonds across the lake
As the fish spring up from its hold

White[s], fluffy[/s] clouds are scattered across the piercing blue sky
Multi-hued flowers [s]of every color[/s] dance in the light breeze
A [s]mixture[/s] melody of aromas play across my nose
[s]making me smile
[/s]
My lips turn up at the corners