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Untamed Tears

by UzochuksHenry


She stared into the space, without looking at any thing in particular. Her eyes had form a hallow in both sockets. The track of her previous cry smeared across her jaw. She was a shadow of her old self..

She could not, come to believe, that of a truth that she, Asoma is an orphan. Life has a way of playing tricks on humans. It's has a way of dishing out a tank load of troubles to men, even when it knew fully well that they cannot handle them.

If Asoma, should curse the day she was given birth to, she would not really be blamed, or better still the day death drove by at her home and snartched away from her, her lovely parents in broad day light. It would never be ereased in her whole life, not to take of the entire village of umuoma and it's evirons.

It was tragdic. One could sight, Men and women shrugged in disbelief, as they move in pairs and groups along the path leading emekwe's homestand, to acertain what they termed a rumour. But it was true, emekwe and his wife udara nma died the previous night.

No one could tell exactly what went wrong with the couple."Chiee! Is this how one dies?"a woman among the sympathisers exclaimed."I saw udara yesterday evening while she was coming back from Orie market. She was full of life. She said in bewilderment "We both went to orie egbu together, but she left before me", another woman cried, she appeared to be close to udara."So Udara nma, this is how you wish to end it?"She utter as though udara was next to her."Ugegbe etiwala n'ike"hmmm! Meaning the mirror has broken, she shrugged her shoulder"

At a corner was nnado, the best friend to emekwe, sobbing unconsolably. It was said the man cries in his heart, but nnado could not held back, his tears."Ewooo!"" Onwu i mee aru oo oo he shouted at the top of his tone."Emekwe you should have told me to get prepared that the journey is set,"So you decieved me? Eme you are not dead ooo he said courageously."Was the wine we drank yesterday, you feast of your farewell? But suddenly an uncontrolled tears dazzled that dauntless strength he projected. "You should've taken me along eme"as he fondly calls him. "Be a man nnado, when you cry this way, what do you expect from the women ?" Or still the daughter your friend left behind what becomes of her?"At the mention of this , it occoured to all present that emekwe have a daughter and all was after the dead.

However, none seems to know her where about since that morning. At once, eyes were scanning through out the over crowed compound, filled with sympathizers. Asoma was still in her position at corner of her mother's hut, staring steadily, unable to utter a word. To cry out aloud was a fruitless, But tears was running endlessly untamed. If the eyes could be tired of crying out tears, it would have ceased to flow from Asoma's tarnted and submerged eyes. However, the eyes had no other job.

Asoma had gone beyond, saw but she conquered. She was barely Ten years old going through the traumar of losing both parents.

As people watched the helpless child cried her eyes red, they could not help but let out cries in unism. The more Asoma recalled the painful death of her parents she shook vehemently in shock and stream like tears surge effortlessly from her roiting skull, which is processing a huge bulk of data at same time.


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119 Reviews


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Mon Jan 27, 2020 11:30 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Clairia, here to review.

This was a cool concept, albeit sad. Death is such a terrible thing and experiencing the loss of a loved one (especially as a child) is absolutely awful. While orphans are quite the popular topic amongst writers, exploring the death of the parents is less common, and I thought it was super creative and neat that you went after what lead to the tragedy in the first place. Kudos to you for thinking outside of the box!

In terms of the piece itself, I found that it was a bit confusing at times. I understood that the characters generally spoke a different language, but you didn't make that as clear as you could have. @Stellarjay actually suggested a great tip, which is italicizing dialogue that's in a different language. That was the main thing that sort of threw me off, and it helped realizing that you were simply trying to build more on that this was a unique tribe.
I also noticed that you had some trouble with the dialogue itself. The quotations were often misplaced and I didn't know where the character had stopped or began speaking, and I had to go over the sentence a few times to get a grip on what was happening. Here are a few examples that I went ahead and revised for you:

"Ewooo!"" Onwu i mee aru oo oo he shouted at the top of his tone.

I believe that the second "oo" is when the dialogue ends, but you didn't make that clear. Here's the bit again with some revisions:
"Ewooo! Onwu i mee aru oo oo," he shouted at the top of his tone.

That closes the dialogue and lets the reader know that the character has finished speaking. Same thing with this next one:
,"So you decieved me? Eme you are not dead ooo he said courageously.

Edited:
,"So you decieved me? Eme, you are not dead, ooo!" He said courageously.

I'm unsure if that is the feeling you wanted to portray with that line, but that's what made the most sense to me grammatically.

You've also got a few punctuation errors, as in missing commas, missing periods, etc. Here's some of those:
She could not, come to believe, that of a truth that she, Asoma is an orphan.

You've got your commas all mixed up. This is the revised version:
She could not come to believe that she, Asoma, was an orphan.

There were a few other things I fixed. You seemed to switch tenses in the middle of the sentence, going from past to present, so I ended up changing "is" to "was" so the flow was restored. I also removed "that of a truth" because it didn't fit well at all and made the sentence chunky.
The more Asoma recalled the painful death of her parents she shook vehemently in shock and stream like tears surge effortlessly from her roiting skull, which is processing a huge bulk of data at same time.

This is super wordy. I get that you're trying to express her sadness, but this sentence is packed with unnecessary detail. I'd suggest editing it down like so:
Asoma recalled the painful death of her parents, shaking. Tears surged effortlessly from her rioting skull as she tried to process what had happened.

This cuts the sentence down enough so you still get the same feeling, but it's a little less confusing.
There are some spelling errors as well, but I think you should just run your work through a program like Grammarly, which corrects your spelling and grammatical errors as you write. I think it would benefit you a lot!

Overall, very nice work. This was full of emotion and I really enjoyed it!
Thanks for sharing (and keep writing!)

Clairia






Thanks so much, your points noted



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Mon Jan 27, 2020 5:13 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello Uzochuks Henry,
Stellarjay here for a review!

1) when the people are speaking in their own language, put it in Italics. This will help the reader know that it isn't in English and that it isn't misspelled.

2) When someone is speaking remember to put quotation marks at the beginning and the end. And also mention who is talking, this will keep the readers on track. Another thing, when someone is speaking, put the entire line into a new paragraph. For example:

"No one could tell exactly what went wrong with the couple.
"Chiee! Is this how one dies?"a woman among the sympathisers exclaimed.
"I saw udara yesterday evening while she was coming back from Orie market. She was full of life." She said in bewilderment "We both went to orie egbu together, but she left before me", another woman cried, she appeared to be close to udara."

It should look something like this.

3) When you mention someones name, remember to capitalize the first letter. This way, the reader will know that you are writing about a person.

4) Watch your spelling and grammar, there were a few parts where things looked a little wonky and didn't make to much sense. I would proof read it, or even get a friend to do it. As they say, two pairs of eyes are better than one!

5) Lastly, your plot line could use some work. The story is mostly just about how this girl becomes an orphan. It would be cool to know what connection Asoma and her parents had. If you plan on making a sequel than that's fine and you can disregard this comment!

I hope I didn't sound to harsh. Your story was enjoyable to read, and i hope you write a sequel! Keep on writing!

-Stellarjay






Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks





Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks





Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks





Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks





Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks





Stellar I appreciate your review, I will take your points to mind. Thanks




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