Young Writers Society

Hi! I'm Clairia, here to review.

This was a cool concept, albeit sad. Death is such a terrible thing and experiencing the loss of a loved one (especially as a child) is absolutely awful. While orphans are quite the popular topic amongst writers, exploring the death of the parents is less common, and I thought it was super creative and neat that you went after what lead to the tragedy in the first place. Kudos to you for thinking outside of the box!

In terms of the piece itself, I found that it was a bit confusing at times. I understood that the characters generally spoke a different language, but you didn't make that as clear as you could have. @Stellarjay actually suggested a great tip, which is italicizing dialogue that's in a different language. That was the main thing that sort of threw me off, and it helped realizing that you were simply trying to build more on that this was a unique tribe.
I also noticed that you had some trouble with the dialogue itself. The quotations were often misplaced and I didn't know where the character had stopped or began speaking, and I had to go over the sentence a few times to get a grip on what was happening. Here are a few examples that I went ahead and revised for you:

"Ewooo!"" Onwu i mee aru oo oo he shouted at the top of his tone.

"Ewooo! Onwu i mee aru oo oo," he shouted at the top of his tone.

,"So you decieved me? Eme you are not dead ooo he said courageously.

,"So you decieved me? Eme, you are not dead, ooo!" He said courageously.

She could not, come to believe, that of a truth that she, Asoma is an orphan.

She could not come to believe that she, Asoma, was an orphan.

The more Asoma recalled the painful death of her parents she shook vehemently in shock and stream like tears surge effortlessly from her roiting skull, which is processing a huge bulk of data at same time.

Asoma recalled the painful death of her parents, shaking. Tears surged effortlessly from her rioting skull as she tried to process what had happened.

Hello Uzochuks Henry,
Stellarjay here for a review!

1) when the people are speaking in their own language, put it in Italics. This will help the reader know that it isn't in English and that it isn't misspelled.

2) When someone is speaking remember to put quotation marks at the beginning and the end. And also mention who is talking, this will keep the readers on track. Another thing, when someone is speaking, put the entire line into a new paragraph. For example:

"No one could tell exactly what went wrong with the couple.
"Chiee! Is this how one dies?"a woman among the sympathisers exclaimed.
"I saw udara yesterday evening while she was coming back from Orie market. She was full of life." She said in bewilderment "We both went to orie egbu together, but she left before me", another woman cried, she appeared to be close to udara."

It should look something like this.

3) When you mention someones name, remember to capitalize the first letter. This way, the reader will know that you are writing about a person.

4) Watch your spelling and grammar, there were a few parts where things looked a little wonky and didn't make to much sense. I would proof read it, or even get a friend to do it. As they say, two pairs of eyes are better than one!

5) Lastly, your plot line could use some work. The story is mostly just about how this girl becomes an orphan. It would be cool to know what connection Asoma and her parents had. If you plan on making a sequel than that's fine and you can disregard this comment!

I hope I didn't sound to harsh. Your story was enjoyable to read, and i hope you write a sequel! Keep on writing!

-Stellarjay