The house
that time forgot, and is still forgetting
The
memories still there, joyful or upsetting
The people
the owner played, and hung out high and dry,
Their cry’s
still echo through the walls and slowly, gradually die
And the
apple tree that was the apple of his eye,
Reaching
out towards the night sky
The grass,
always greener on the other side,
And always
watered by the flood-tide
And that
fork in the road, that led up to the house,
Which
slowed the owner’s journey in, to the pace of a mouse
Yes, the
memories are all still there,
The owner’s
laughs still lingering in the air.
Home is truly where the heart is.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Timmy here
So, like Livvy, I am no expert at poetry so my review will be kind of simplistic, but hopefully helpful in some way. Here we go. Hopefully I can find something to nitpick, but I think it will be mostly praise.
The first thing I noticed about this poem was that it rhymed. I wrote a few rhyming poems when I was younger, but I couldn't keep away from the cliché and kiddish style. This poem really grasped a big meaning, and just spoke volumes... and it slipped right off the tongue like poems are supposed to. I really love that you used rhymes in it, because I love rhyming. ^.^ It actually reminds me of poems that Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, the one's I used to memorize.
My nitpick is on this line, too, but in a different way. When doing poetry, everything needs to slip off the tongue easily and not be repeated. So, words really count in that. When you're doing this kind of stuff, make sure you don't repeat the big words - like apple would really fall into the spectrum. Only one time. Find some other word you can slip into there to push your meaning along, but not repeat yourself. Redundancy is easy to fall into. But... this was an amazing metaphor. I loved it. You have quite a few of them in this piece, and they all knit together so well.
Since "slowly" and "gradually" mean pretty much the same thing, and it didn't seem like repetition to me, they're slight redundancy. Adding the second one doesn't build anything off the first. So I think you should take it out, and let the line just flooooow on through.
One thing I would do is try to avoid needless commas during the lines. If they can be omitted, then I would think you should do it. So in this one, I think you could have said something like: "the grass is always greener on the other side", which would really build onto the floor and keep everything moving along. Less jerky stops in a piece when unnecessary is always a good thing. ^.^
I did think this last line was a bit sudden, and you could have built a smoother transition into it, kind of like a slide down towards it, or like an arc. And the last line is the bottom where you come to a complete stop. So almost like there is a notable beginning and end of the poem. Because, looking at this poem, I think you could switch around any of the stanzas in the piece however way you wanted to, and the poem wouldn't really change. I think there should be more of an arc, a story told in the lines, that has a notable beginning, middle, and end. Where all of the lines mean something for the next lines, and all have their place. To me, these were all random sentiments (although amazing) which you compiled into a poem, but not really in any general order. So I think more of transition and solid placement in the poem would really help it's message? To be honest, I had to read through this a few times to understand, and I think it was because of how it was without a general order, and so read less easy than if there was.
All in all, I really loved this poem. You have such wonderful ideas, and I just loved, loved the metaphors you implemented in here. All the wonderful ideas you put so wonderfully to words. Just gah. I wish I had your talent. I think my favorite was the last line, and it's because what Livvy said. I think my thoughts on it are about the same as hers. Haunting and perfect.
Amazing poem. Keep writing, and post more of these!
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi sis!
I do want to review this, although I haven't reviewed any poetry in ages and my poetry reviewing skills are pretty rusty. I will do my best. But this poem is already so well written, that there really isn't too much for me to say. I think you did a great job at this and I loved all the metaphors hidden in it, and how in the end it all related back to how a house and the people living in it. You never actually related any of it to specific characters, but already we know the pain they have been through, who caused it all and the suffering that must've gone on.
First, let's speak about punctuation. You have a lot of commas at the end of sentences, which are perfectly fine. In the bottom half of the poem we have some full stops popping up as well. I feel like there should be more full stops at the beginning, especially at the end of the sentences where you have no punctuation whatsoever. That way we can see the whole sentences and it gives the poem a more rounded feel.
I'm going to take this stanza by stanza and talk about definitions.
This beginning was perfect. Oh, and did I mention how perfect the rhyming is, not forced at all? I like the idea that the time is still be forgotten - which, I think means that all the suffering in the house is still going on. Remember this, because I will get back to it later on in the poem.
You need to make the word 'cry's' into 'cries' instead, and also there needs to be another comma after the word 'gradually' as well. I love the idea of the owner playing people, and then it being related to washing. Although, throughout the poem I thought the person who was the root of all this trouble was the father? Yes, the father may be the owner, but he also might not be. How about making the owner the head of the house? Or another word for leader, or father that rings true in every way. Because thinking of that first sentence alone makes it sound like he was not the father but someone else, playing them for money and wringing out every cent they had before hanging them out to dry, and I think you had a different definition at heart there.
I was assuming that the apple of his eye could be his wife of his child. But this stanza is kind of thrown in there at random, and never continued. What about the apple of his eye? Why are they reaching out? These lines need to dig a bit deeper and have some meaning or reason around them. Is that person reaching out to the night sky for escape, or willing themselves to be part of the sky and away from this so called horrible house?
I love this stanza and have no criticism <3 I am assuming the flood tide is tears, or emotions. This is up to the readers interpretation.
A single decision, the anticipation of suffering to come... again, there is not much for me to say here. It was great!
I loved it! I think that although you are saying how everything is still linger in the air, the wicked laugh and the memories, the way you put it at the beginning I got the impression things were still continuing? In that case, maybe you should have a way of mentioning how the continuing was still happening in this last stanza too.
As for the conclusion, I love how dark it is, and how sarcastic the line is too. Perfect way to wrap up something like this ^^
I love the simplicity of this poem, but the complexity of it too, and how there is so much we can find hidden in it. It seems like something worth being analysed in English class! It reads easy, and we have a long story buried in a few lines. I am so proud that my little sister could write this <3 Keep up the brilliant work, I want to see more!
Deanie x
First off, this poem did give me a kind of vibe, it was definitely weird. I love it!
I don't know what kind of vibe you were wanting to give off but you are great at writing poetry, especially if you are only 12 years of age. You should definitely keep up your writing skills! Also, I can't really find any errors mainly because the only one I saw was the "crys" part that should be "cries". Other than that, fantastic! I look forward into reading more! By the way, Oh my gosh I just love the rhyming!!!!!! 
-Nicole
Beautiful- I can't review much, therefore this is a short comment. However, one thing: the timing is good for the first 2 stanzas, but in the third it falters and continues to change throughout the rest of the poem (which is fine) it just cause my brain to go *umf* when it had to stop flowing with the beat from the first two. Its really the 6th line that causes this, but either way, the poem is beautiful- nice job, keep it up!
Hey, it's Brunnera here to review on your work!
Nit-picks first, eh? Though, I must admit, there weren't so many errors in this poetry. Remember that my words of advice are a reader's opinion, not a professional's.
" Their [cry’s] still echo through the walls and slowly, gradually die"
That should be "cries".
Hmm, I guess that's all xD Your poetry was short and well-revised, if you ask me. There's nothing about this work that I can find fault with.
Are you really twelve years old? This work is magnificent! I love the chilling aura and discomfort I received when reading this. That uneasiness was thrilling as you slowly put together an eerie image of a creepy house, without using much description at all, and how you've wonderfully hinted at the sinister doings of the owner.
It was quite horrific, actually. I have a good idea what the owner did to the other residents. The plot you have here is simple and powerful. Your rhyming was well-done, too, and made the work very fun to read.
Sorry if my review wasn't helpful from a critical angle! It was just that good, Utopia. You seem to be a natural poet. I look forward to more!
~Brunnera