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12+ Violence

A memorable day

by Usual Boi


It was a sunshiny day of the summer when I woke up and accidentally instead of the right I put my left foot on the ground first,but also my belly just yelled at me to get some milk immediately otherwise he is gonna throw up.So I began to walk out of my room,appearing from nowhere one hundred and a half mosquitoes came through the window and attacked me. I was dancing around trying to dodge all the insects impacts and suddenly I stepped on a matchbox or a mini skate.The point is that the thing had wheels on it so I rolled to the hallway than fell to the ground and as much as I remember it wasn't a pillow.I turned my face in the direction of the kitchen and the fridge in it... it was so close,I'm gonna just run there and hope nothing terrible happens! Of course I was sooo,soooo wrong,just as I started my run in horror I just hitted my leg into the vacuum machine accidentally,but cause I'm the Ninja of the Morning Milk,I easily roll-jumped over it more elegantly than someone getting out of a limo in a suit,and finally walked up to the fridge,opened it and came to the realization that we ran out of Milk. It was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me,beside of course my mother's death caused by a car driver who didn't see her because of the mosquito on his front window. And I was in shock for 3 years locked up into the sanatorium nonstop talking about the Milk,that we didn't have.


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98 Reviews


Points: 12053
Reviews: 98

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Fri Sep 20, 2019 4:14 pm
Asith wrote a review...



Hello! You've got two very lovely reviews already (seriously, they're great, take their advice to heart :p) but since it's Revmo and you have so much potential as a storyteller, I figured I'd expand upon a few concepts that could your writing in general, plot aside :)

Sentences
I think the main problem with your writing as-is is your lack of understanding of sentence organisation. Well, that's probably not the correct label for it, but what I mean is the way that you start and end sentences, and their various lengths. You have a lot of run-on sentences. You should try to learn to end your sentences when the main idea ends, and start a new sentence. The main character waking up and putting their foot down could be one sentence; the stomach thing could be another. Putting them together it just too much for them reader. Additionally, break up sentences using commas so they don't read so quickly!
That being said, you also have the opposite problem sometimes: ending a sentence too quickly. Don't worry, all of this just means that a little practice at getting your sentences right will fix so many of the issues with your writing that it will be a terrific improvement!

paragraphs
It's self-explanatory, but use paragraphs! It helps organise your story as a whole, so that it's easier for the reader to digest. Although yours is a very short story, it could still be split into a couple paragraphs. Once again, this will be a pretty easy concept to get the hang of, so you should be fine!

I'm going to leave out comments on the plot because you've already gotten reviews about it that I agree with. I really like your creativity, and the way that your ending is reminiscent of the beginning. It's a very cool effect!




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412 Reviews


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Mon Sep 16, 2019 7:49 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi and welcome to YWS! I'm Tuck, here for a quick review this #RevMo ! Let's get right into it.

So I quite liked the frivolity and youthful feeling of this story. It felt light and carefree and that made it enjoyable to read. I also really liked how you had a clear plot even in something so short. A danger of flash fiction is that the plot can get lost in all of the character and thematic development crucial to prose, but I think you did a good job having a plot with all the necessary action. And my favorite part of this story was the ending because it brought the story back full-circle.

However, I think there are a few parts of this story that could be cleaned up and improved. You have a good start, but there's still a ways to go to make this into something truly masterful and breathtaking. My goal here is to give you some starting points to work on so that you know where to improve and where to focus your attention, so I apologize in advance if that comes across as harsh. Without further ado, let's jump into some critique!

My first note here is the pacing. It ended up feeling quite rushed because of the run-on sentences, and I would definitely encourage you to split this up into multiple paragraphs. (There's a great article about run-on sentences that you can read here that goes into some more depth on what run-on sentences are and how to prevent them.) It was hard to keep track of all the action, and it felt as if the sentences just kept going on and on and on. I think it'd be fun for you to experiment with some varied sentence structure and vary your sentence length and see what emotions that gives the reader. It'd be a subtle change that I think would go a long way in affecting the mood of your story.

Towards the end, I began to lose the plot. The impression I'm getting is that your main character's mom died in a car accident that was somehow caused by a mosquito, but I'm having a hard time seeing how the milk fits into that and how it's possible for a mosquito to cause a car accident. I'd highly recommend clearing that up somehow so that it's more comprehensible and easy to follow.

But overall, I liked a lot of the elements that you had here, particularly the mood that you set and the way that you had a complete plot in such a short story. There's a few areas that could do with some improvement, but this isn't a bad start at all! If you have any questions about my review or YWS in general just let me know and I'd be happy to help out! Hope this helps!




Usual Boi says...


Thanks for the review i made some good use of it,also here is the "corrected version if interested:https://akgbudapest-my.sharepoint.com/:w:/g/personal/kerekgyarto_tamas_akg_hu/EVgF2iCTDIlAn4wxojuhb0gBWpYRMDxtOJBQglEKvhTo1Q?e=SRgT57



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Mon Sep 16, 2019 2:55 pm
Daughter wrote a review...



Hi, @UsualBoi ! I'm @Daughter, here to leave you a review!
Let's go ahead and jump right in!

I'm going to keep my criticisms short and sweet, because I really only have a few suggestions that would (hopefully) affect the entire story in a positive way.

Your piece was an unusual read for me. I don't often see this kind of work on YWS, and it caught me a bit off guard. You seemed to illustrate a situation that was almost cartoony, which was both amusing and slightly offputting. If that was your intention, however, well done! You delivered that message effectively.
Despite that, I found that you kept a very consistent domino effect throughout the piece. It was nice to have that constant, especially since a lot of your writing was fairly jumbled and relatively difficult to follow. Your work had a lot of run-on sentences as well, and I'll list a few here for you (along with revised versions that you could consider using/writing off of)

Spoiler! :

Key:
Remove
Add
spelling mistake
replace


1.
It was a sunshiny day of the summer when I woke up and accidentally instead of the right I put my left foot on the ground first,but also my belly just yelled at me to get some milk immediately otherwise he is gonna throw up.

Revised:
It was a sunshiny day of the summer when I woke up and accidentally instead of the right I put my left foot on the ground first,[s] . [s]but also my belly just yelled at me to get some milk immediately. otherwise he is gonna throw up.


2.
The point is that the thing had wheels on it so I rolled to the hallway than fell to the ground and as much as I remember it wasn't a pillow.

Revised
The point is, that the thing had wheels on it so I rolled to the hallway than fell to the ground. and as much as I remember it wasn't a pillow.


There are more, but hopefully you'll be able to spot them yourself and make similar changes.
You also have a few snippets of unnecessary imagery, imagery that could be better used in other places of your work. I would advise you to look back at what you've written and attempt to make revisions. Don't forget to use punctuation correctly!

Thanks so much for sharing your work. Let me know if you have any questions!

Daughter




Usual Boi says...


Your review caught ME a bit off-guard as well,but i guess you are used to read masterpieces,or at least precisely written ones on this platform,but i have to warn you(if you didnt figured it out already),that its none of the above.Its just a short piece i wrote on command for my teacher in 9.th grade.After all,I got use of your points even if it came-across like a bit grumpy,but i guess cant be everything just pink and sparkle. :)



Daughter says...


oh, no! I'm so sorry if I came off a bit rude - it wasn't my intention at all ! your piece was so fun and charming, and in no way did I mean to insult you. I loved reading it!




Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca