Hello! You've got two very lovely reviews already (seriously, they're great, take their advice to heart :p) but since it's Revmo and you have so much potential as a storyteller, I figured I'd expand upon a few concepts that could your writing in general, plot aside
Sentences
I think the main problem with your writing as-is is your lack of understanding of sentence organisation. Well, that's probably not the correct label for it, but what I mean is the way that you start and end sentences, and their various lengths. You have a lot of run-on sentences. You should try to learn to end your sentences when the main idea ends, and start a new sentence. The main character waking up and putting their foot down could be one sentence; the stomach thing could be another. Putting them together it just too much for them reader. Additionally, break up sentences using commas so they don't read so quickly!
That being said, you also have the opposite problem sometimes: ending a sentence too quickly. Don't worry, all of this just means that a little practice at getting your sentences right will fix so many of the issues with your writing that it will be a terrific improvement!
paragraphs
It's self-explanatory, but use paragraphs! It helps organise your story as a whole, so that it's easier for the reader to digest. Although yours is a very short story, it could still be split into a couple paragraphs. Once again, this will be a pretty easy concept to get the hang of, so you should be fine!
I'm going to leave out comments on the plot because you've already gotten reviews about it that I agree with. I really like your creativity, and the way that your ending is reminiscent of the beginning. It's a very cool effect!
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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