I saw you in the hallway wearing the same simple dress at your birthday party. It was something that I would never forget and It melts my heart every time I remember it. "What was it again that you need to tell me?" My heart runs into the highway of nervousness. Everyone at your party saw it and it became worse when they heard it too. The loud noise of fun and even the sadness doesn't breathe that time. You made me more human. That moment I remember every time I was with you. Your eyes that shines brighter than the sun, the smile that infects me, and the voice which was the music to my ear. I thought that's the reason why I wrote you the poems that you deserve even though you didn't understand it and I became your poetry. I whisper at your ear the words that you should know. I confessed. You look at me. It wasn't a happy birthday or any greetings or wishes but a confession of a guy like me. I knew the answer just by looking at your face because the face I knew wouldn't changed by words. I left. Nothing was right after all. Memories of us were cleansed by a confession. You forgot me and I forget you. Maybe the pain's a friend that helps me knew that I can forgot you. All those memories started running through my mind and nothing else when I saw you.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Why, hello, there, I seem to have stumbled on a miscellaneous story. I'm fairly new to this section of the green room, but I'm certainly willing to give it a whirl. And a welcome to the YWS complex! All the pleasantries aside, let's get straight on with the review.
First off, I would recommend that you change this into a letter format. Right now it's addressed to someone, but the form isn't quite clear. I think that it fits closest to a letter, but that's up to you. It could be a journal entry, but that would require changing some of the second person to a first person report. You could also do a narrative in third person, but I feel like that would be awkward and kill a little of the mood.
Second, there are some grammar nitpicks I'd like to make here. I'll just take it sentence by sentence, if you don't mind.
"I saw you in the hallway wearing the same simple dress at your birthday party." Who was wearing the same dress?
""it was something that I would never forget and It melts my heart every time I remember it." The second it should not be capitalized.
"'What was it again that you need to tell me?'" Is this the MC asking the question, or is it someone else asking the MC a quesiton?
"The loud noise of fun and even the sadness doesn't breathe that time." What is this sentence supposed to mean/say?
Thirdly, your writing lacked flow because the structure of most sentences began with 'I' or 'You'. Mix it up some! Add some sentences that begin with 'Because xyz, I felt abc."
Other than that, I loved the overall feel and flow of this short story. It could be developed into a longer short story, flash fiction, or even a novel, but I kinda like it as just a short little section, just one brief flashback. It still has plenty of emotion and a sense of plot, with definitely a sense of strong characters and an overarching theme. Good job on this!
Best wishes,
MJ
This is a really touching piece. It actually made me remember instances when I observed a person I loved very much and noticed how they were dressed, how they walked, talked, and behaved. That's what I like about your work. You were able to bring those memories back to life for me. It feels like a painful, silent letter, coming from someone with a lot of passion and love. Thank you. I'd love to read more of your work.
I thought it was another of my bad work! Thank you for bringing up my confidence Keumgan.
Hey, UsingName! Scythe here to do a quick review
This is some great work, I loved the concept; it was so bittersweet. There were, of course, some issues with this work in terms of grammar etc, so I'm delighted to be able to assist you in making this the best it can be ^-^
First of all, I'll comment on what I liked and whatnot.
I loved these lines for some reason, they were just so beautiful and showed the emotions and worries of this character. My heart runs into the highway of nervousness, this part was so mesmerising. I adored the connection to a highway. A highway can be so treacherous and troublesome at times, so comparing his emotions to something of such high speed was amazing, it showed the heart-racing beauty of his feelings. I would suggest a slight change to how it's worded though. "into the" isn't exactly correct, since you don't go "into" a highway, but rather "onto" it. So here I suggest:
Also, for a character so nervous, I would suggest adding minor details that presents his hyper-awareness of his surroundings but also actually how oblivious he is to them (if that makes sense).
With the sentence, I would suggest changing it to this.
I just think that adding in the extra details, like the ellipses (...) and the impression of stuttering just shows to emphasis the characters nervous state.
I also found a problem with this line:
It's not worded correctly. It should be:
When you said "at" it kind of sounded like you were saying the current setting was the birthday party.
I would also suggest structuring this into paragraphs, it would make it easier to read.
Good job! Keep Writing
- ScytheMeister
Thank you sir! It helps me to notice the mistakes and I'm grateful for that. %uD83D%uDE03