Published October 29, 2011
Ah, wasting away in an old room
I have too much space to think
and not enough to [live] or [move]-
the sun won't come here again
after first light draws closed.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Those are true words. Read some of my other poems if you want to see thought provoking poetry
This is a really interesting idea, but I think you're way off in the ideas (but that isn't what reviews are really about)
People doesn't need a capital letter, every line doesn't need to start with a capital letter if it isn't a new sentence.
I'm not really digging your use of unconventional punctuation in this piece. I think the effect of pause you are looking for could be achieved without upsetting the aesthetics of the poem, so maybe you could try that?
On a more philosophical side, what do you mean by 'a social cog in the machine'? What machine? What are you really worried about here? Do you really believe that being a 'global thinker' is important to living a fulfilled life? And what does self liberation involve? It really does seem like you are under pressure that is probably more self inflicted than anything else, but it doesn't sound to me like you've really engaged with yourself in figuring it out. I really think you should, because the poem even reflects that you don't seem to know what you mean. At least that's how it sounds.
In my opinion, a fulfilled life is about so many different things. I'm currently at music school, and I feel so fulfilled to be focused completely on something I love. I think the real self liberation is about knowing yourself for yourself.
Anyway, it's a nice poem, but go lock yourself away and have a long think. Only then should you make changes to this poem.
I have to say I wasn't really interested in this poem. I think it should have been written differently in a way that one word is not by itself because it really throws off the reader with an incomplete sentence. I dislike this because as I was reading this out loud, it sounded like a mixture of stories you just threw in there.
A little practice and self-reviews would probably help. You should also try giving a different version of this poem, but with clear meaning and have it written in a different format.
l think that poem was qwit good i love the 4 line it brough charater