Published March 14, 2011
The tall blue-gum tree
covers me with a blanket
of lavender
as boughs sway in the wind
and leaves fall on me
I lay there put,
under my natural
duvet,
and then i think
I dare to think
That this is when I'm
at my best
when pea-green caterpillars
climb and nap
upon my chest
when ladybirds dance on
my skin
and butterflies
kiss my shin
he grasshoppers, the hummingbirds,
the candy-scented bees,the leaping
crickets, the humble frogs
all come to say hello
and now I know
that life for me
is best under
the blue-gum tree
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141,733 Literary Works • 675,639 Reviews
Have you considered turning this into a song? I think it would do very nicely that way, if you can do it.
Capitalize "I."A few minor typos:
I assume you "the grasshoppers."
Then, this bit confuses me a little:
Mainly - what do you mean by you "lay there put"? You lay there put under your natural duvet, I would guess, in which case delete the comma after "put," and if you meant something else then...I guess try to clarify whatever the something else is?
Also, I think it's a little weird when you start rhyming, starting with the line "That this is when I'm/at my best" - because the poem doesn't rhyme at the beginning, so the rhyming stands out a little too much once it comes in, know what I mean? If you want to rhyme, rhyme all the way through, and if you don't want it to rhyme, don't rhyme.
But over all I thought this was a lovely piece, I really enjoyed the imagery I got from it!
~Blue