Published April 20, 2011
Floral stains, Cats and Love trains
I am doomed to talking to walls
and felines
collecting whats old and making
it older
living in a small house
that's draped in floral
every curtain every cloth
suffocated by flowers.
I can almost smell the loneliness
or is that just my future cats
running around
purring unstoppably
communicating with me when
humans cease to effect me,
music stops to move me
and I'm GRAY.
It's inevitable the way I go about
too late for the love train
Each time I punch my ticket in
and wait in elongated lines
then follow a stream of punctuated
signs
clocks tick and tock
but I am late.
Once again I miss the love
train
And I return to waiting for my
my feline-filled floral-stained
lonely days.
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140,852 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
OMG i had no idea that u joined this site!! well dankie!!
Ola bestiie.
x
Well, I've joined this website now, betcha weren't expecting that were you? Ha! And I love this poem. I really see myself turning into this spinster-like cat lady when I get older *insert sad smiley*
I like one of the comments above. Perhaps inserting breaks into the poem would be wise.
Remain awesome
I don't mind that you don't break for stanzas, but, well, you're right, that one "pushed" stanza isn't up to par with the rest. I think in that stanza you move from concrete details into more abstract stuff, and that isn't as moving. I suggest starting that stanza over from scratch - try to convey the things in that stanza through more of the wonderful concrete imagery that you have throughout the rest of the poem.
)
Also, I think there needs to be more of a transition from the cats and floral to the train. Tie them in together somehow. Maybe instead of the train passing the narrator by, she (I'm assuming "she," it's always old ladies who collect cats!) could say something about how - like maybe the train hasn't passed her by YET, it's her last chance to get on, but she doesn't want to travel without her kitties...(or something like that, I'm making this up as I go.
Otherwise, I think this is a lovely poem. So I actually gave it my first review in like a month. Yay!!!
^_^
~Blue
I like it but try to break it up. I would suggest:
Floral stains, Cats and Love trains
I am doomed to talking to walls
and felines
collecting whats old and making
it older
living in a small house
that's draped in floral
every curtain every cloth
suffocated by flowers.
Break
I can almost smell the loneliness
or is that just my future cats
running around
purring unstoppably
communicating with me when
humans cease to effect me,
music stops to move me
and I'm GRAY.
Break
It's inevitable the way I go about
too late for the love train
Each time I punch my ticket in
and wait in elongated lines
then follow a stream of punctuated
signs
clocks tick and tock
but I am late.
Break
Once again I miss the love
train
And I return to waiting for my
my feline-filled floral-stained
lonely days.
it's pushed stanza, need a review from you.
if you can divided in organized stanza would give more view to the reader. i've been catch by the title and i think you have more to show
Keep up, good work....