Published February 18, 2011
There is dirt on my palms
Dirt I say
Dirt!
It's on the palm of my palms
And on the dirt of the dirt
On my palms
The murkier the waters
The muddier the hand
As the rice sinks deeper
And deeper
The harvest will come
yes it will come
and my old hoe and boots
will be dirt-less
the specks of dirt upon
my metal will disappear
clean my boots will be
but when the hoe's
job is done
and the boots are mighty clean
then it's the slasher's time
for a bath in the dirt
We like to sing as we dig
Like the bees that sing
before they sting
They salsa around us
and without notice
ouch!
Now there is a sting
on my skin
stung by the buzzing
orchestra
and another
Like naughty children
they don't listen when
you yell,
Go away!
They'll go on
They'll head on
singing in the sun
In the dambo by the creek
is where we work
we work to eat
sometimes we eat as we work
chewing as we dig
we dig
I could dig a grave
I say
The chewing stops
The yelling starts
Dirty fingers point
I could
I say
The singing quits
the starring starts
dirty fingers point!
One day this rice
will be my way out
up to where the cities are lit
and the music plays loud
A grain at a time
I dig as i plan
I'm digging
my escape
my escape from the dirt
my escape to being essential
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139,620 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
hey there,
Thanks for the review. I will have to go over it and revise it, thanks a lot.
Chao!
xxx Upile xxx
Hi there!
I think this is a pretty great poem. I really liked it a lot. My only nitpick is the line "clean my boots will be." It doesn't fit with the structure of the rest of the poem. Basically, I second Blue. Also "mighty" sticks out as odd. Other than that, this is pretty awesome.
Keep Writing!
Spork
P.S. Welcome to YWS!(:
Thanks a lot. This isn't the last from me. I promise u that.Now i just have to figure out how to change where it is. This site is kinda confusing. But I'll learn.
I really liked this! But I feel like you should classify it as lyric poetry or even just lyrics rather than narrative poetry, because even though there's not quite a steady rhythm it really feels kind of sing-song; I feel like if I went out to the rice fields in this poem, I could hear these lyrics sung. I have only one or two nitpicks to make:
The line "clean my boots will be" - I understand sometimes, especially in rhyming poetry, it's necessary to turn a line on its head like Yoda does to make things more poetic, but I feel that's entirely unnecessary in your poem. I think you'd be okay just saying "my boots will be clean." Also, when you use the word "mighty" in the line "and the boots are mighty clean," I feel like it's breaking character a bit. The word "mighty" in that use doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of the narrator's diction.
Other than that, I think this was awesome, and I hope to see more from you.
~Blue