Can You Here Me Listening?

i would love this in haiku form ! it seems like a perfect fit for a haiku....

and if you don't know what a haiku is.. its 3 lines... first line 5 syalabiles, second line 7 sylabiles, and then 5 again... i think thats right...

well anyways... this can be used in a very unique way... allowing for its own description...and things of that sort..

or perhaps you can make it into a story poem ? of how the wind loses its voice.. or something like that...

translate the poem for me.. if you don't know what i mean by that... figure it out haha...if you can't PM me...

i'm sorry i sucked at this haha....

Hey!

I liked this. It's simple, easy to read, maybe not terribly powerful, but good all the same.

You need to add some punctuation in. It will be a lot easier to read, and it will help your poem flow a bit better.

My mother once told me that the wind was the voice of the world.

But if there is no wind,

Does the world have nothing to say,

Or has it forgotten how to talk?

My mother once told me that the wind was the voice of the world
But if there is no wind
Does the world have nothing to say
Or has it forgotten how to talk


Hi there! I'm Gahks and I'll be reviewing your work today.

Firstly, please try and spell the words in your title correctly; it doesn't make for a great first impression. Spelling mistakes in any case tend to annoy reviewers, so steer clear of them!

Looking at the poem itself, as it's only composed of four lines there's not much I can say. I don't mind strange punctuation, or the lack of it, in poetry, so long as it's deliberate. Every decision you make as a poet (word choice, number of lines, number of stanzas, enjambement etc.) must be meaningful, and thus be designed to have a certain effect on the reader. What the lack of punctuation in this instance tells me I don't know, apart from sloppiness at first glance.

The other thing that strikes me about this poem is the lack of decent images. The comparison of the wind to "the voice of the world" has a lot of potential, so why not stick in a couple of extra lines to expand this idea into something much more worth reading? The piece is crying out for lively images to express the speaker's attitude to the wind in a more convincing way, rather than the bland questions and statements you have currently. The poem doesn't feel dramatic; it seems more like lyric poetry to me - there's some emotion there, but no concrete events, conflict or storytelling to make these events accessible to the reader and drive the emotion. The one event you do have - "My mother once told me..." - is simply used as a catalyst for the speaker's thoughts. Either develop this idea of a dialogue between the mother and child or find something else.

This is not a bad start at all. Work through what I've said, change what you need to and I'm sure there'll be a massive improvement.

Best wishes,

Gahks

This piece is very short, so there's not a lot to review. Plus, I'm awful at poetry reviews.

But I will say this:

You need to have some punctuation going on here. Even though it's only four lines, it's not plesant to have a series of seperate thoughts run on into each other.

Try:

"My mother once told me that the wind was the voice of the world.

But if there is no wind.

Does the world have nothing to say,

Or has it forgotten how to talk?"