Young Writers Society

Hello Untitled21. I'm Jas and I will be your reviewer for today.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me.

But it was too late.

"You didn't hurt me." You killed me. I thought silently. I didn't want to give myself a way. Sam will be here soon to 'talk' to me.I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter.

"Please don't lie to protect me. I know I have hurt you."

If I could cry I know I would have.I had to get home. Sam only wants me. The sooner I get home the better.

"Hello Sarah." I just looked around.

He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers.

When she created you that was enough of us in the world."

"Please don't be so mad angel.

I love you Sarah."

"Sarah calm down."

She reached my height. Lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him.

"Don't be mad my love. I wont hurt you."

"I am more afraid what I will do to you that will lead to what you will do to me..."

Alrighttt, so this was a loaddd of confusion for the first while, but an interesting concept indeed. I did enjoy reading it and i do think you have quite the writer's flare, you just have to concentrate on honing it and perfecting it.

well, onto the critique.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me. But I never knew exactly how much. I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. I walked past him. My eyes on the ground. He was looking at me. Obviously sorry for what he did. But it was too late. I knew he moved on. I guess I knew it for a while, but I never wanted it to be true. I can still hear the screams and the crys that are coming from the inside. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

I get to my car and rushed to my house.

"I told you I will get my revenge." He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers.

When she created you that was enough of us in the world.

"Please don't be so mad angel. I can't help but be close to you. I love you Sarah." I looked up at him. My eyes burning red. "Sarah calm down."

She reached my height.

"Sarah! It's me Patrick! I wanted to talk to you about what I said at school!"

Hello!!

I like your idea, the origina but still sort of classic if that makes sense!

The only things I would say on the negative side is that maybe you could describe the scenes a little more and characterise a little more?
I found it a bit confusing to figure out which one was speaking a few times.

Other than that, however, there seems to be a lot of potential here!
A great idea for a story, with lots of hidden secrets to come out from the sounds of it-I hope we get to read more!

Hey there, I'll be your reviewer today *cheer*

Allright, so let's get on with it:


I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me. But I never knew exactly how much. I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. This is a good start, and it does catch our attention, but I suggest you elaborate slightly on the "I knew this day would come" way in which your character views things. Maybe explain that previous relationships all ended to leave her hurt, or something of the like?


I can still hear the screams and the crys that are coming from the inside. Spelling mistake: cries, not crys. Also, this sentence doesn't appeal to me so much. Consider rephrasing?

"Sarah. I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." I looked at him. It sounds like she is saying this... which I don't think is the case.

I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter. Uh, why?

"You haven't hurt me. I'm Not protecting you at all. The "not" shouldn't be capitalized.

I just walked a way. It's "away", not "a way". Also, show us some emotion and atmosphere here.

I needed to get home and I didn't care what he had to say. I get to my car and rushed to my house. I got out of the car and was a ready at the front door and opening it. As I walked inside I saw Sam... sitting on the couch. Looking like he was in his own house. Maybe you can expand on this a little bit ^^

"Hello Sarah." I just looked around.

"Where are my brothers?" Sam stood up and was right in front of me.

It is confusing which character says what. Make sure you avoid such confusions, because they distract from the story.

"W-What did you do?" I asked shakily. Okay, she's shaking... but show us what she feels.

"You smell them don't you? They all should have died along side your mother. She never should have created them. When she created you that was enough of us in the world." I was shaking with anger.

"Why did you do that?" I could hear the strain in my voice to keep myself from attacking him. And I'm sure he could too. I clenched my fist and he moved closer to me. It seems slightly unnatural to ask "Why did you do that?" when you've just discovered that your brothers are dead. This makes me think she didn't have such a connection with them. Also, the MC is a girl, right? Would she really try to attack Sam - a male who has just murdered her brothers - or would she be afraid?

She reached my height. Lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him. This is confusing; who reached whose height? What exactly is going on?

"For not loving you when you loved me? For my brothers protecting me when I needed it? For scaring your heart when I left? "Scarring", not "scaring".

Allright. I do think you have something good going here, but you throw us into the story too abruptly, and then break it off too abruptly as well. This doesn't make the reader a happy panda.

Try to elaborate more on the surroundings; describing the room, the characters clothes and general appearance, etc.

Good luck editing, and; keep writing

PM me for anything ^^

XxxDo

Hey, Untitled! (Yikes, that sounds weird.) Do you have a nickname? I'm Sunny. Welcome to YWS! I'll do my best with this.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me.(So, this opening line isn't the strongest. Either do: I knew it would hurt if he ever left me, or I knew it would kill me if he ever left me. One or the other. But I never knew exactly how much.
NP>> I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. I walked past him, my eyes on the ground. He was looking at me, obviously sorry for what he did. But it was too late. I knew he moved on. I guess I knew it for a while, but I never wanted it to be true. I can still hear the screams and the [s]crys[/s] cries that are coming from the inside. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"Sarah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I looked at him. (His words imply the opposite of what he's saying. I'm getting this robotic voice in my head saying, "I'm sorry" without meaning it at all. Try to give us some inclination of his feeling.
"You didn't hurt me." You killed me, I thought silently. I didn't want to give myself [s]a way[/s] away. Sam will be here soon to [s]'talk'[/s] talk to me. (Two spaces here) I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter.
"Please don't lie to protect me. I know I have hurt you." (Again. Robot. Ugh.)
"You haven't hurt me. I'm [s]Not[/s] not protecting you at all." (2 spaces) If I could cry I know I would [s]have[/s].I had to get home. [s]Sam only wants me[/s]. The sooner I get home the better.
"Sarah..." I just walked [s] way[/s] away.. I needed to get home and I didn't care what he had to say. I got to my car and rushed to my house. (Very fast. Is she super powered that she can just sit in her car and think herself home? Kidding. You ought to give us a little more time here, instead of just "I went here, went there, did this, did that." It makes it very choppy.) I got out of the car and was a ready at the front door and opening it. As I walked inside I saw Sam... sitting on the couch. Looking like he was in his own house.
"Hello, Sarah." I just looked around.
"Where are my brothers?"
NP>> Sam stood up and was right in front of me.
"I told you I will get my revenge." He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers. (Whoa. Wait! That was way too unexpected to actually be appreciated. She walks in, there's this guy there and suddenly her brothers are dead. Before I thought Sam was a friend. You need to make the threat clearer. Seriously.)
"W-What did you do?" I asked shakily.
"Killed them. I told you I would find you and I told you I would get revenge." He smirked at me and I couldn't help but smell the fresh blood.
"You smell them, don't you? They all should have died along side your mother. She never should have created them. When she created you that was enough of us in the world." (Uh-huh. This cryptic utterance did nothing to improve (or disprove) the mood. Maybe get rid of it. Or clear it up so we know what he's saying.) I was shaking with anger.
"Why did you do that?" (This is killing me! She sounds like Sam stole her teddy bear and put it in the fire! "Why did you do that?" should be a scream, a shriek of both anger and horror. Would you be *calmly* shaking with anger if your brothers' killer was smirking at you like that? I don't think so!) I could hear the strain in my voice to keep myself from attacking him. And I'm sure he could too. I clenched my fist and he moved closer to me.
"Please don't be so mad, Angel. I can't help but be close to you. I love you, Sarah." ("So I thought I'd kill your brothers for a Valentine's gift. Surprise!" This part I like. It's an interesting twist and it makes me hate him even more.) I looked up at him. My eyes burning red. "Sara, calm down."
"No! I will not calm down! Why did you kill them?" I wanted to hit him but I knew that would make things worst. [s]She[/s] He reached my height, lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him.
"Don't be mad, my love. I [s]wont[/s] won't hurt you."
"I am more afraid what I will do to you that will lead to what you will do to me..." He laughed at me and sat back on the couch.
"Why are you here?"
"I told you. For revenge."
"For not loving you when you loved me? For my brothers protecting me when I needed it? For scaring your heart when I left? I think you are getting your revenge. My love left me yesterday." We both hear a knock on the door.
"Sarah! It's me, Patrick! I wanted to talk to you about what I said at school!"