z

Young Writers Society


12+

Demons are hiding

by Unstoppable285


I lye awake at night waiting for them

I stay awake all night because i fear them

I try not to scream or yell or shout out.

Because i know that i will be destroyed.

They know all my fears

They know about my tears

They know what i've done and where i go

When i sneak out on my own

They whisper in my ear

But no one can see

They torment and anger me

So that i'll mess up

Their job is to make, my life a living hell

So far they are succeeding.


yours might hide under the bed

They might hide behind the door

They might be around the corner

Waiting so they can push you down harder

Yours are alive. In the people we see.

Your demons don't play, hide and seek.

But mine like to hide

Right in plane sight

Then they come out to play at night

They yell in my mind

Screw up all my plans

Leaving me with no use of my hands

I can't call out or scream or shout.

because my demons are hiding.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
621 Reviews

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

Donate
Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:44 pm
View Likes
Rook wrote a review...



Hello!
This was an interesting poem that I think a lot of people can relate to. I think the subject matter was pretty solid, and your imagery was pretty good as well. The reader can imagine what's actually going on based on your words.
There are several little technical details that could be fixed.
First, the very technical: spelling and grammar.

I lye awake at night waiting for them
I'm pretty sure you meant "lie" there. "Lye" is a cleanser.
Right in plane sight
Right there, it should be "plain sight" because "plane sight" would be in the sight of an airplane.
Your demons don't play, hide and seek.
I don't think you need the comma there. Speaking of punctuation, I notice you have some punctuation, but not all the punctuation you need for it to be "correct." If you want me to go through what the correct punctuation is, feel free to pm me.

In several places, your wording seemed... off to me.
I noticed that you don't actually say the word "demons" (which is what I assume you're referring to by "they" the entire poem) until really late into the poem. All the "theys" actually confused me a bit, as well as all the "yours." I'd try to remove the repetitiveness of these words.

Also, you seem to be trying to rhyme in a few places, but there's no definite scheme that I can see. I think it would be best if you tried not to rhyme at all. It would feel less like you were trying to rhyme and failed in parts. Ether that or make a regular scheme for it.

I hope this helps! Keep writing!
~fortis






Thanks for the feed back. I'm not the best at choosing the correct punctuation or spelling very well



User avatar
70 Reviews

Points: 9
Reviews: 70

Donate
Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:19 pm
Pan wrote a review...



It's a great poem, and I love the idea of using it as a prologue, but it didn't seem to flow well. I love the idea, and the imagery you used, but maybe you can try to find synonyms for a few o the words you used- because it becomes redundant after a while- and replace it.
It's well written and I love it, but there are a few things that you can tweak to improve it. There were a few spelling mistakes I noticed, and punctuation, but I'm sure that if you just go through and proofread it, it'd be squeaky clean and magnificent.
Remember to use proper SPaG, and go from there.
(SPaG, being Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar.)
Your profile says that you're 13, and that's a ripe age to begin writing at. I know how much you'll improve in the next few months and even years, and you'll be shocked.
Anyways, I think that you are a diamond in the rough, and if you have a proper mentor and the right tools, you can be polished and gorgeous in no time!
Again, I must say that it's wonderful.
Also, it's quite dark. I can't wait to read the novel xD
Good job, and keep writing <3






Thank you so much, it was kind of the first poem I've ever actually written so i defiantly need to improve. Thanks again for the feed back



Random avatar

Points: 17243
Reviews: 328

Donate
Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:14 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi! Lucrezia here to review.

This is good. I'd be interested to read the novel it's a prologue for. There were a few little errors, which I'll get right to:

"I lye awake at night waiting for them."

"Lie" should be spelled L-I-E.

Throughout this, most of your "I"s aren't capitalized. Not a big deal, there are plenty of stories and poems on here that make the same mistake, but you might want to correct that.

"Right in plane sight."

It should be, "Right in plain sight."

Other than those nitpicks, though, this was a very good piece. Nice work! :)






Thanks :D It's a first draft so i need to go through and change certain bits of it but thanks, i probably would of missed them. :D




A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown