l love you.
At least I used to.
But then you turned your back.
Left me out there in the rain.
You promised.
You said you'd stay,
and you would love me.
Forever.
Now I see,
it was all a lie.
Just a way for you
to get to me.
My days were sunny,
and for once I felt
as if I was
worth it.
Now the clouds are gray,
and it always rains.
Because of you.
I thought that if I tried
hard enough,
You might just be
the one and only
I was wrong.
I realize that now.
I won't make that mistake again.
Because of you.
Can't you see
that you broke me?
My heart shattered,
and I can't find the pieces.
You are gone now.
I don't mind.
I just wish that you would see
what you did to me.
I just wish that for once,
you might just,
think about me.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Heyhey, Unique, haven't been around much 'ave you? Keep writing!
Well, just don't use it anymore here, okay? Really? Ya? Good.
At other points I would have ignored this little nitpick, plowing on rudely and lazily refusing to mention it to you, but I noticed that there was no harm in pointing it out. So here it is.
In order to take out those annoying bold-prints, just italicize the word, and BOOM you have a brand new...line.
"At least I used to."
If you formatted it your way, put a period at the end. But, I agree with annardj12, your sentences are way to choppy and redundant. What I mean by redundant is that you say a short, slick sentence. And another. Just like that, ya' know? I was bored and snored. It rhymes, yet it is still weird.
"You might just be
the one and only..."
Oh...the redundancy! How effective! Never, ever say "me" again in this poem, do you hear me? Not once. Never, in your whole career of fabulous writing. Although I do suppose that would be a bit hard.
-wisegirl22, with a buncha smilies!
Thanks for the beautiful helpful review!
You're welcome!
I loved this!! I love poetry, and you really did a great job on this
So I'll start with the ONE bad thing I noticed:
--Some of the sentences are blocked weird, and it makes the reading chunky and sloppy. A quick read through from you will help. There's only a few lines, but merging them into the one previous can make it an easier read
And onto the good things
--The piece starts with such a lovey-dovey note, then it immediately does a 180 and starts to head down the drain. It's brilliant!!!
--It doesn't rhyme, but the words complement each other so it's almost as if they DO rhyme! Another brilliant strategy
This is a great poem, and I look forward to reading more from you!
Thanks for the review, and as a random side note, I would like to add that your profile pic rocks!
Hi EPICnumber1 here for a review...
Wow I really liked this I haven't reviewed for a while so I will try my best
I will jump straight into what I liked, the topic, what a great subject to choose. How you put 'used' in bold. The whole thing was a hook.
You kept putting a whole sentence in to two lines and I am not an expert on poetry so ignore this if it was on purpose but it didn't make sense. There wasn't a rhythm it was just lots of cut down sentences no offense but it doesn't sound like a poem it sounds like a rap or a song or a very short story.
I love the title, fits perfectly and the words you used in here also fit
I have to agree with your last two reviews about the awkward coma placement but I won't go in to too much detail
Anyway keep writing
-EPICnumber1
I actually don't write poetry that much. This more like another shot. I don't really think I am going to take up poetry...
Anywho, thanks so much for the review!:D
The first two lines work really well as a hook, and I certainly like that you put "used" in bold. The line, "My heart shattered / and I can't find the pieces" is also pretty awesome. Unfortunately, outside of the first four lines, it just feels flat. Nothing else has the emotional punch of the opening. Also, I agree with Howl that there is some awkward comma placement, especially at the final three lines. I would suggest putting more stuff in bold, like "once" in the third to last line.
Thank you for the review! I will definitely will try to fix that!
Hello, I'm Howl.
I see where this poem is going but I think that you could add more to it, like add more details, some lines seem like they would go better with the previous line like; "Just a way for you to get me, and some seem to need a comma after it like; "Can't you see", but I do get, and like, the story you are trying to tell over all.
Thanks for the review!