“You are a human with one life and it’s up to you to make it the best life you can.” - Daniel James Howell
Summer is the only time of the year where I can remotely enjoy myself and sit back and look at my life, probably criticising it and wondering why the heck I couldn’t just be normal person without my entire childhood being crammed into twelve years of innocence. With these things on my mind, there is not time or room for relaxing or being too joyful. Although none of this really matters because my life is about as chaotic as it can get. Just add a sprinkle of happiness and BAM, there is my life in a nutshell.
(btw this is literally the first paragraph and it is not it. keep in mind that this is a memoir)
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, not too often that you run into just the first paragraph of a piece, but well, this is arguably one of the most if not the most important paragraphs in a story, so lemme dive right in here and see how this particular one manages to measure up here. Aaand well it appears what we have here is the protagonist introducing themselves here, or I guess more accurately just talking of their life, which is certainly an interesting point to start off on. It certainly looks like a life that's mired in some sort of chaos there judging by the tone of what's being said here.
The fact that they explicitly say they don't have time for any relaxing at all seems to be speaking about some sort of tough situation where they perhaps don't quite have too much of a choice there about walking away from the chaos of their life, and so that does create something quite interesting to go off of for a reader. At any rate, I'd say as far as first paragraphs go, this one is pretty decent, it can certainly get your attention, there's nothing suuuper catchy about it that will instantly hook you, but its not a flat one either, it does have a thing or two to catch your interest.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Heyo Unique, Flite here for a review. Due to how short this piece is, I'm going to cross-examine everything.
I hope you don't feel too shredded by the end of this.'where' should be 'when', where refers to a location, when refers to a time. Right now, you're writing about summer hence you used 'when'.
'remotely enjoy' doesn't fit together well either, grammatically there is nothing wrong with it. But 'remotely' can be replaced with a better word. Even better, substitute that first two sentences with a description of what you do in Summer that you enjoy.
The part I highlighted blue is a massive run on sentence, I would separate that into two separate sentences. Also, it doesn't make much sense and is contradictory. Why couldn't you be a normal person? What does your childhood years have to do with it, did you go through some traumatic experience? If so, that sentence didn't tell me that.
'Not time' should be corrected to 'no time'. Have you proof-read this?
I'm not sure what you want to say with the last two sentences either, it's chaotic but then it's also happy? It's a chaotic but happy life, is that what you're to say? I don't see how this connects up with the rest of your paragraph, I've read several memoirs myself and despite them being somewhat different to fiction in nature. Correlation between paragraphs and coherency still applies to all manners of writing.
I'm just curious, why didn't you post more of it? You wasted 350 points just to post that one snippet? But I suppose you could always come back and edit it, in any case, that's pretty much all I have to say on this. I don't say anything yet due to how short this is, so, if you'v got any questions regarding this review. Feel free to ask me.
-Flite
Hey thanks for the review!
I completely understand everything you've said. And no I have not proof read it, not thoroughly. I was kind of in a rush to get something in.
Yes, that sentence that is highlighted in blue is run-on but it was intended. It is supposed slightly emphasis the point I made about my life being chaotic...
Well this is a Unique intro. And sounds like a Unique story.
Honestly one paragraph is enough to get me curious, so feel free to let me know when you do publish the first chapter. It's called an autobiography when it's a story about a real person and their life, right? Or do I have the wrong word?
I look forward to it anyway. Haven't done a review for an autobiography (if that's the right word) yet. Would love to give it a shot. Plus it's nice reading a true story to balance out all the fantasy I read.
Looking forward to your first chapter. In the future though this probably is best for your timeline or as a blog, just saying.
haha no I got the word wrong.... So badddd.....
Anyways, yeah this probably wasn't the best work of mine. I am trying to balance out writing another piece between writing this...
Makes sense, still I look forward to it as a possibility though.