Angel of War

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite an interesting little short here, there's definitely a very dark ending slapped on there...and well...it looks like strangely that is the most fitting one...and hmm...well that's not something I saw very often with regards to dark endings...xD.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When people look at me they think, oh, she's a bad person. What they don't know is that I am exactly the opposite. They have it all reversed. They are the bad people, and that's how they ended up as the are. That is how the world ended up as it is. Because of them, not me.

It really isn't my fault I am higher and more superior then them. I made the right decision, they ignored me and marked me down as crazy. They don't know how it feels to be shunned, the whole world shunned me! For five whole years. That's just because I wanted to save them from there fate. Now it is their turn to feel how I did.

My blonde hair covers my face in perfectly combed strands and my black eyes stare out from underneath them. My veins are all black and are completely noticeable. My nails normal color are black, and my eyelashes are long and platinum. When I got mad, my whole eye turns black as they are now. They are normally a dark purple with little black lines randomly scattered within. My clothes are like everybody's, jeans and sweatshirts, sneakers.

I am the most powerful person in the whole world, and I warned them. I am a good person, the very few people who have gotten close to me know that. But I am dangerous. When I get mad, I get mad.

During war, I was their darling. I was the Angel of War. Or so they called me. My wings came out, black and the perfect image of death. My sword of fire was unsheathed and my wrath was unleashed. But I was their caged bird, they controlled me. When I was free, people bowed, people honored me, but they hated me.

They weren't grateful for what I had done for them. They deserved to die, and so they shall.

Hii!!!


So basically I just wanted to say that the sort of feel
I guess that's totally emanating from this piece is super.
Like the way that it gives a brief sense of what basically
is happening and how the Angel Of War is feeling so cool!
Even though I really really like this idea and this type of feel,I
think that maybe if you could give some solid background on
what exactly happened before and why she's feeling this way? I
don't know maybe it's just me and my weirdness, but yeah I just felt
if there was more of a solid background of what happened it would
be more easily understood. Overall though SUPER AWESOMEEE

JParks Out

You've got a really good concept here, but I think the main thing you need to work on are balancing details. For example, you say the gender of the narrator, so to save time in this review, I'm going to refer to them as a her because you talk about her nails and eye lashes, and angels are generally thought of as female, but you need to clear that up. Also, I want more details about how she tried to save them, why they shunned her for five years, etc.
Also, this piece doesn't feel quite like a whole story; I wish there was more detail about how she lets them die/ kills them. You do have a lot of details about the narrator and do a great job describing her (though I might spread out the details a bit more; it's a bit dense getting them all at once) but you don't describing anything else very well. Don't be scared to describe everything in depth; the details you do have, like comparing her to a caged bird, are really wonderful but you need more.
I feel like I was harsh in this review, but that's only because you've got some real talent here: I'm interested in the character; people love reading about villainous characters and how they justify their crimes to themselves, it's fascinating how paranoid she seems in the first sentence, you've got some lines here that are really quite beautiful. I hope this review helped. Keep writing and happy review day!
-tgirly

I did enjoy the characters inner narrative and how you described the their emotions. The one thing I noticed though was that it had a choppy transition from the 2nd paragraph to the 3rd. I just think that there could have been a better placement for the paragraph or a different point of view for the description. They story itself has me interested and I look forward to any revisions or any new parts to the story you submit.

Hello Lovely,

So this pieces was really...I don't know awkward for me to read. There's wasn't very much given to the piece besides description (which I personally liked. In my head she(?) looked amazing and totally badass.) and the wording felt a little off. Where you in a rush to write this and put it up? It somewhat seems like it, at least to me. I also feel like you really could have gone somewhere great with this if you had given us a little more of a plot. How did she(?) warn them, and why? What was it that they did to the world exactly? And who is talking to? Humans, other angels, the gods? I don't doubt that you're a good writer, you just gotta give us a little more next time ok? Good luck with your next post, and please let me know once you post it up. I would love to read it.

This story seems to be describing a being of great power. Are beings of great power usually so concerned with how they look that they spend a paragraph describing themselves? Especially considering they want to destroy the whole world (or something along those lines). Why does her appearance matter?

In fact, why does anything matter? This story is categorized as "Action/Adventure", but I'm not seeing either any action nor adventure here. This is more like a synopsis one reads on the back cover of a book. There's no beginning here, no middle, and no end. Most unfortunately, there is also no point.

The reviewer below me argued that when the imagery isn't there, a story would fall flat. Maybe, I won't argue -- I've read good stories with barely any imagery (see Ishmael). I will argue, however, that stories without background, plot, development, or point, cannot fall flat, because they are not stories. There is nothing at stake, no conflict (and how can there possibly be conflict against "the most powerful person in the world"? speaking of which, how does a "most powerful person in the world" manage to be "their caged bird"??), really not much of anything, I'm afraid. This is writing written for the sake of writing.

If this is meant as a straight-faced piece and not as a too-well-concealed parody of a God Mode Mary Sue, then at the very least it needs some development. If nothing else, something about her actually destroying the whole world, then standing among the ruins, all alone. In hard mode, she'll realize what she's just done, and spend the rest of her life slowly going insane in loneliness. Though even that doesn't sound like a very exciting story. Certainly not Action/Adventure.

Good luck with your next piece.

Your sword of fire,
cC

Hi, Thewriter13 here to give a review!
I must say the imagery in this is incredible (as I am one ALL about imagery and description).
Probably my favorite line is about describing the speaker, or the Angel of War. I like how you mentioned her eyes, her hair, her clothes.
I found a lot of repetition, however:
"My blonde hair covers my face in perfectly combed strands and my black eyes stare out from underneath them. My veins are all black and are completely noticeable. My nails normal color are black, and my eyelashes are long and platinum. When I got mad, my whole eye turns black as they are now. They are normally a dark purple with little black lines randomly scattered within. My clothes are like everybody's, jeans and sweatshirts, sneakers."
You mention the color black a LOT in this paragraph, and I suggest you use synonyms rather than the same color over and over again. Maybe use the word oil to serve as black? I don't know but it sort of bothered me as I read this. Also you use "are" a lot.
You could make this line: "My veins are all black, completely noticeable," that would take out the "and" and an extra "are."
A few typos in this short story as well:
"they ended up as the are. " the should be they
Look out for typos as you revise.
Also I think in the first line you should put quotation marks around: oh, she's a bad person. Just to set it off as another idea.
Overall I enjoyed this story very much and would love to see more of your pieces!