Young Writers Society

Hi, a late welcome to YWS. I'm here to review your poem.

Well, you certainly tackled a heavy topic in this poem.

I interpreted the meaning to be that the speaker is coming to terms with the fact that this man in her life - whether a father, significant other, or someone else, is abusive. Also from the line "How dare you disrespect us in this way" - it was unclear if the abuser is abusing not just the speaker but also the earth and maybe other women too? Either way, he sounds like a very horrible guy. The speaker questions what sort of motivation made him like this, and instead of having love for him, declares that he makes her sick.

Now I think on formatting you could improve the flow of this piece quite a bit, just buy making the lengths of the lines a bit more standardized. When there's a mixture of really long and short lines, the poem doesn't really look as clean and it's hard to have a nice flow.

I like that you've incorporated a few metaphors into the piece - especially this "scum of the earth" and the contrast with a "prized possession" I wonder if you could develop these a bit more. What made this woman feel objectified? And what makes him like scum? It doesn't need to be explicit or go into the abuse, but exploring those emotions a little bit more in depth might lend some specificity that would enable more emotional connection to the piece.

Here's kind of a content issue I had with the piece, you start the first line by calling the abuser "oh masculine one" and I guess I'll bring up the critique that you might offend some readers by displaying a false narrative of masculinity. Why are the abuser's only characteristics his abuse and his masculinity? Masculinity doesn't necessarily have to go along with abuse, in fact to imply so, perpetuates an idea of toxic masculinity. Just something to consider - you might be better off changing that first line to a different description of him just to avoid the confusion and connotation altogether.

Another thing you might consider, is I thought this poem was fairly formal in it's language which made me as the reader feel somewhat removed from it. While that might be a sort of coping mechanism of distancing that the speaker puts up, it does sort of cushion the emotional weight that the piece might have with more casual, dramatic, and emotive language. I'd like to see this poem really yell, and get angry, and become unhinged. But there's just my two-cents.

I hope that gave you some ideas and thoughts to consider - feel free to reach out if you wanted to discuss anything I brought up in my review. Good luck in your future writing too!

~alliyah

Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we? Note - This review will be more negative than positive, as to help you grow as a writer.

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Nitpicks first. Some of these alter the intended meaning of your poem. You have commas where the flow of the poem should stop and have periods. Provided below are some examples, and other areas of improvement.

"Why must you treat me this way oh masculine one?

With strength greater than mines,

I take the defensive side with nowhere to hide,"

"I am left with a bloody nose and a red eye,

Scarred for life this tissue will not heal,

Why’d you have to do such a thing,

I thought you loved me?"

You violater of woman,

"Conceived from a mother’s womb,"

"You make me sick."

Hello, @Unforgettable--Bloodlord here to review your work! First off, welcome to YWS. This is a beautiful piece to begin your time in this community!

What I liked...

This is a very interesting poem depicting a very real, and very frightening issues in many countries and households around the world. And as @Dani965 mentioned, this is a problem that people of all genders, ages, and backgrounds are susceptible to.

You convey the woman's feelings of betrayal and hatred, and her pain--both physical and mental-- very well. The hatred especially comes out in this poem, and the piece certainly has a very abhorrent tone.


Some suggestions...

1. Grammar

This is a pretty small problem, but here are just a few little things you should probably fix:

"than mines" (line 2)

The word "mine" by itself is already possessive and does not need an extra "s". The word "mines" would be used with things like "coal mines" or "gold mines."

"told you" (line

I think you meant "you told" because "told you" doesn't really make much sense in this order here.

"Your arms you held me tight" (line 10)

This was a little redundant. Probably take out the "you" and it'll make sense.

2. Punctuation

One of the things I think really took away from the power of this work was your use of punctuation. There are some places where it was misused, and some places where I think you could use it more to convey more emotion.

Why must you treat me this way, oh masculine one? (added comma after way)

With strength greater than mine-- (instead of comma, which I think was weak. Don't have to do this--just not the comma)

I take the defensive side with nowhere to hide,

I am left with a bloody nose and a red eye. (Period instead of comma.)

Scarred for life this tissue will not heal,

Why’d you have to do such a thing? (Here is where you should put the question mark.)

I thought you loved me. (No question mark-- that was really awkward and took away from the question you were asking. I think it should be question, then statement.)

The lies you told deceived me,

Let me fall into your trap; (instead of comma)

Your arms held me tight as you strangled what life I had left in me.

I thought you loved me. (This I think is best not left as a question.)

You violater of woman. (Period better for stronger statement)

You’re the scum of the Earth. (Same reason as last line)

Conceived from a mother’s womb,

How dare you disrespect us in this way? (This is a question.)

In any way? (Also a question)

You’ve taken my trust and held it like a prized possession. (Period here. It doesn't connect as a continuous thought with the next line.)

What victory do you gain from this?

You make me sick.


Anyway, great job and I look forward to reading more of your poetry. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh anywhere-- I think this is really good as it is and you only have to take my suggestions if you want to. I know that the author often has a point of view that the reviewer doesn't always see, so sorry if some of the things here don't align with that. Please let me know if you have any questions!

I really like this, but don't forget it's not always the women being abused by men, it can also be the other way around!