Published February 15, 2011
I just made this to practice my action scenes as I have only started writing again recently, wrote it quite quickly. It centres around adrenaline taking control of someone in the midst of a combat situation, causing him to "Red Mist", or go berserk. Please review and let me know how I can improve. Thanks in advance.
Andy scrambled frantically towards the car directly in front of him, launching himself the last few feet in a desperate attempt to escape the hail of bullets whistling and cracking around his head. He held his weapon in his trembling hands, the black sheen of the metal muted under the viscous red blood which now covered it.
Raising himself slowly up the outside of the car he peered across the street over the bonnet. There were four or five men, all outfitted in the traditional green and brown camouflage of the Army. To Andy’s untrained eyes they looked like the epitome of discipline; they placed their shots professionally, conserving ammunition and suppressing Andy and his comrades with apparent ease.
Finally remembering his friends Andy scanned his surroundings desperately, trying to locate Josh and Dan. He saw both men taking cover behind a waist-high wall, firing hysterically towards the soldiers across the empty street. Following his friends’ lead Andy leaned his body up and over the bonnet of the car he was hiding behind, and began to pull the trigger of his rifle. Blinding light emanated from the muzzle of his rifle, leaving after-images floating in Andy’s vision, while the deafening cracks of bullets being fired threatened to deafen him.
Adrenaline began to course through Andy’s system, taking over control of his body, to the point that Andy felt as though he were a visitor in his own body, seeing the sights and hearing the sounds of the battle around him but not allowing any of them to register. There was only the moment that he was living, pure energy and excitement, everything else was just a distraction.
Soon though the adrenaline was beginning to fade, and a feeling of wrongness began to niggle at Andy. He scanned the area around himself and the feeling continued to grow. That’s it, he realised. Where have the lights and sounds gone? It was then he felt something in his mind click into place, and the training began to take over. The thumb of his right hand pressed on a catch on the rifle, and the empty magazine clanged against the pavement. His left hand was already reaching for a pocket on his jacket and within seconds Andy felt a reassuring click as the magazine locked into place. He cocked the rifle and began to fire immediately, the adrenaline rush comforting him again, removing the fear, guiding his body better than he ever could.
In the middle of the flashing lights and the whistling and cracking Andy hardly noticed the flecks of red. But soon the adrenaline began to fade again. Then Andy began to scream. Blood poured from his shoulder in rivulets down his chest and right arm. His rifle hit the floor with a metallic screech. As the last vestiges of adrenaline disappeared Andy took full control of his senses again.
He looked to his left and saw that his friends were both laying on the floor, in an endless sleep, balaclavas concealing their faces. Streams of blood ran from each of the figures, forming rivers as their blood combined and flowed along the pavement.
Andy screamed louder, the agony at the death of his friends fusing with the pain from his shoulder, forcing him to take leave of his senses. He glowered at the soldiers across the road, who appeared to have taken not a single casualty. Resigning himself, Andy bellowed incoherently at them, welcoming the end.
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First off, the adrenaline didn't need to be mentioned. If you just tell us what's happening to him and how he feels, it's enough. I did kinda wonder why the adrenaline faded so quickly that first time. If you essentially said, "there was a lull in the action" that would probably clear it up a bit. You say this is supposed to be an action scene and, sorry to say, I didn't feel there was a lot of action. Mostly he just fires off a couple shots, goes red and finds himself dying.
Maybe I'm just disappointed he dies.
Anyway, there is some good stuff in there, you just have to work on it. As always, write a lot, read it over, read it aloud and read it to someone else. And edit where you need to.
Firstly I have to say that I'm not positive this needs to be rated '18' but I could be wrong.
As to the story, it was interesting, most of its deepest problems are because of how it focuses on action to the extreme exclusion of all else, but as it is a practice of action scenes I'll be focusing on the action.
I'm kind of a thrill junkie, and I find that adrenaline makes me feel more in control of my body, and that it tends to make me think faster but at the same time be more reckless, that doesn't gel with your story, and that may be worth looking into.
Like the last poster said adrenaline doesn't stop until you do.
Actually training (and his instincts) would be more active during the adrenaline.
I believe it is a common practice in these situations to fire without looking to avoid exposing yourself.
IMHO He would definitely feel a fatal shot.
Hello, Unfinite.
Interesting. Not great, but interesting. It has potential, but right now it's not meeting it.
Black guns are matte, not shiny. Also, red blood wouldn't show much on black matte.
Redundant.
"Began?" Dude. This guy is in a GUNFIGHT. The second a shot was fired, I can guarantee you he'd have adrenaline.
...He hasn't really done anything at this point. Why would it fade? Also, adrenaline really doesn't stop until you do--or until you die. Basically, he'd be high on that stuff 'til he hit the pavement.
Your story lacks premise or plot. We don't know where the guy is, who he is, or why he is. It works for some pieces, but not for this one. We really don't care at all that his friends are dead, or that he's about to be. You need better imagery, and maybe even some description of the action would be nice. Make us see it. I don't wanna have to do that work, as the reader. It's your job to paint the picture for us. We just wanna be entertained by it.
--D
First of all, thanks for the review!
But yeah, looking for the things you pointed out I realised that my story is pretty lacking in terms of connection and tension. I think I was perhaps too concered with trying to write about certain aspects and therefore neglected other parts.
I'm going to try and write more in the near future as in the past few years I haven't made the time to keep writing and improve.
I'll bear what you've pointed out in mind next time I'm writing, thanks.
Hey,
This piece had a good flow to it aand I enjoyed reading it. There were a few things I want to talk about though.
I liked the idea of this, but I didn't really get to know the character that well and wasn't fazed when he died. I know how hard it is to create some sort of attachment to the characters in a short story, especially a piece like this, but I would have liked to know a bit more. Maybe just how he got there and why, that sort of thing.
Also, the atmosphere wasn't that tense. I knew what was going on but it was as if I was looking at it from the outside, not inside it with him. One way you can solve this, it by describing his feelings and settings in more detail. Perhaps when he had been shot, describe the pain and agony. You can use some of the other senses as well to explain what he could hear and smell, maybe even taste.
Overall I think this had good structure, but if you follow some of these tips them you can probably gat a deeper feeling about this piece.
-lovestowrite