Published December 20, 2008
Chapped
Eating the dandruff scabs off my head
my eyes are watering from nonexistent onions or emotions
always there is a pipe cleaner constricting my heart
or scalding jello in my belly
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139,647 Literary Works • 672,642 Reviews
I don't like the first line...I'm gathering it has the same meaning as bitting ones nails or pulling out your hair, ccorrect? It seems to lead up to feeling insecure. Maybe like you're uncomfortable in your own skin? Im' not really sure. the imagery took me by surprise though. Despite the gross manor of it, it suits the topic nicely. ^^ For a such a short poem it packs quit a punch. ^^
Hey Undulant! June here!
. Welcome aboard, too. We're glad to have you.
Before I review this, I just want to let you know that we have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post you should have reviewed two pieces by someone else prior to your post. Keeps the reviews circling and makes it funner
My first thought on this poem: Gross.
It made cringe to read it. But, I read it again. And I appreciated it.
You took something that we normally don't see and wrote it down. It's short, and simple, yet it poses good, if not great, imagery.
I'm going to be honest, I don't like it, but I see the effort that was put into this. It's original, great job with that.
There's not much to change here-- other than the fact that it could use a title.
Good job, dear.
Welcome to YWS!
June
Undulant, you haven't been on YWS in 10 days! Come back! I liked your poem!!!!
What I appreciate most about this is that it is a short moment in time. a feeling. and it is original. and you are able to express things about yourself without saying "i". i always have trouble with that in poetry.
it is a bit disgusting, but in an, interesting, literary way.
to comment on what some others said, it is hard to understand what exactly it is about. it is just a description of effects, not their causes. but i think that is ok, because the causes of your problems is not what you set out to write about, i think.
an interesting thought: i understand why the onions are nonexistent, but are the emotions nonexistent too? or does nonexistent just modify onions? if the nonexistent modified emotions too, that would take it to a different level.
anyway, sorry to drone on and on, but i liked it. i would like to read something else that you have written.
You can't have "watered" eyes if you don't have emotions.
Explain how pipe can constrict heart?
What role do onions have?
I understand it like this: You are divided with world and a little bit misunderstood with society. You always have one friend who is your "pipe cleaner" and through him/her you deal with the world, he makes things easier for you... Jello would be all the nasty things that happen in your life. Am I close?
When I read this I feel some kind of pain,
an ache in my heart.
It brings out emotion but I'm not exactly sure why.
It may be your wording, but then again it is also unclear.
I can't quite make it out to be something.
Is it a disorder?
A sickness of some kind?
Keeping things short isn't always the best thing to do,
you can always add on to things.
Add more detail, explain it.
Being abstract can be good, but if your too abstract nobody
will ever get it.
Just keep on trying
=3
What is this poem about?
It sounds like... a disorder? Celiacs (which I have, and it is not good, let me tell you), Bulemia, Depression? What is it about? For a poem to be good it is best if it is abstract but not too abstract. Like, for example, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. It is absract, but you can tell what it is telling about.
So, I suggest that you think about this. It's okay to make the poem longer.
Hope this helps.
-Macs