Dear you,
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the nights that I get so far gone,
That I trail off the road called sanity,
I understand you're mad at me, but look,
I'm trying as hard as I can.
If you don't want to see me,
It's fine,
I understand.
I don't get why you're mad,
But it's cool,
I mean it's all my fault anyway,
whether you're here or gone away,
I guess I'm still just a little girl inside,
Still trapped, so confined,
I just can't seem to let my feelings out,
So I'll start now :
I love you.
I always have, I always will.
I think you doubt yourself too much,
Because I think you're beautiful.
All those girls that break your heart,
say you didn't love them from the start,
But theydon't know they're missing
the best time of they're lives,
with you,
I'm energized.
But they just can't understand,
That all you want is love.
So babe, I pray you'll stay.
I know you'll probably go away,
I'm just a phase, it's like that all the time,
And I know I'm probably irritating.
But I can't get you off my mind,
you're running laps one thousand times
and I guess that what I'm getting at is
that I love you, babe,
And even though I don't know how
you feel about me yet,
I hope,
I pray,
That maybe,
You'll be the one to stay.
Hello there Underaverage! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
The first thing that struck me was how the entire poem is in italics. I couldn't help asking myself, "Why is the entire poem in italics? Is there a reason for it?"
After reading through the poem, I can't help but think the answer to the second question is "No", though I'm still wondering about the answer to the first question.
Italics are used for emphasis, and italicized text isn't as easy to read on a screen as non-italicized text. By having the poem completely italicized, it has a similar effect to posting the poem in All-Caps -- the poem is more difficult to read, while at the same time, everything about it is screaming "PAY ATTENTION TO ME RAWR!"
It's a bit of a deterrent to your readers.
The other thing that I immediately noticed about this piece was how you have punctuation at the end of every line, even when having punctuation there makes no grammatical sense. It's a common misconception, but every line in a poem does not have to end with punctuation. Poems generally follow the same rules for punctuation and capitalization as regular writing, except when there's very good reason not to.
From what I'm seeing, this poem doesn't have a very good reason to have punctuation at the end of every line.
The last thing I noticed was the misspellings. Since poetry is such a short form, every misspelling or other grammatical error really hurts the piece. The little things add up, and right now, you've got quite a few little things adding up to really hurt this piece.
Something that might help you is to write this poem out as a regular piece of writing. Doing so will help you find errors in the punctuation, as well as misspellings. Another thing rewriting is good for is to give you a new perspective on your poem. Read the rewritten-as-prose form aloud: does it still feel poetic? If so, you're good. If not, try and pin down why it doesn't feel poetic and fix it.
Line breaks are pretty easy to add in after-the-fact, and tweaking them is much easier than tweaking word choice and punctuation, so you might want to consider breaking your poem into lines for last.
This is adorable.
The way you've written it is so beautiful.
I absolutely awe these lines.
But I can't get you off my mind,
you're running laps one thousand times
This is just my sugesstion, but I think maybe you should re-frame a few lines so that they bring more flow into the poem, just to make it better.
Cute. Job well done.
Keep writing.
- Dreamergirl.
Aww, this is sweet and cute.. i like it,..
=)
Its good, i love the feelings it gives. Its flow is kinda off because you go from not rhyming, to rhyming, then back. You might also want to consider looking how you connect each idea to the next, it seems a tad choppy. In all a very good piece.
This was really cute and nice to read. My favorite part is the ending, nice closing! Can't wait to read more! Rose:)