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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hey Sarra! Nice to see we have a new member so a big welcome to YWS!!!!
It's quite short so I'm not sure how much critique I'll be able to give you but we'll see.
Firstly I like the title, it's actually what caught my attention in the first place.
Grammatical errors: 'this' (the first word on the fourth line needs a capital 'T'
Also try to add a little more sensory detail. If you don't know what that means, try to be a little more descriptive and maybe tre to use a range of more interesting words.
' ''Merel what's wrong?'' she asked me, I looked at her in the eye. '
Perhaps take out the 'at' so instead it reads:
'Merel what's wrong?" She asked me, I looked her in the eye. '
See how it would just help the story flow better?
Anyway as I said, not much else to criticise. Now it's up to you to see where you take this idea.
I look forward to reading more of you're story and I'm curious to know who 'they' are.
Overall a great start, keep it up!:)
YOLBYI xxx
Howdy do Sarra! Dogs here with your review today! Ok, first and foremost WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here and if you ever need some advice or help or just a review on anything, please let me know
. Anywho on to ze review.
You must let me know when you post your chapter, I'm looking forward to reading it. Keep up the good work!
So this is a good start for a piece, but considering this is a preview/prologue. I think you should add just a tad bit more into here. You should describe the place that Merel is running in her dream, Is she running barefoot on a stone/dirt road? (ow) Is she sprinting desperately through the dark and dreary woods? I want just a tad bit more information to make this a little more sinister and engage my interests more.
"They were going to get me"
Ok this is some boring wording you choose here. Spice it up a tad! Maybe say: "They were closing in on me" Or "They were getting closer, their cold breath creeping across the back of my neck as a dark hand grazed my hair" ya get the point. Give us some more info to hold on to! This is a teaser so you have to pull the reader in with just enough, but not too much that you give it away. I think you don't pull us in with enough.
All and all this is off to a great start and I'm certainly looking forward to reading the rest
TuckEr EllsworTh