z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Compendium: Prologue

by UFO


[Prologue]

On this page, we were still children. The waves crashed against the rocks and I could taste the salt in the air as the wind carried the brine up the beach toward us. Gulls chirped loudly above and around us hoping for food. The sun beamed down on us, burning me even, but the cool ocean spray took care of it. And in my playful frenzy I wasn't bothered by it or the sand clouds stinging my eyes anyway. As long as we weren't being forced to study nothing could destroy this moment.

This was a perfect day.

My brother Edward sat across from me, twig in hand, trying his best to draw brick patterns in the walls of a sand castle. His eye for beauty was keen and each stroke intentional. The towers of his castle were built to scale and the intricate details etched into the walls couldn't have been more perfect. Seashells lined a little walkway into the front gate and he'd used a small piece of wood that I'd found earlier, presumably from some wreckage that had washed ashore, as a drawbridge for his tiny moat. He'd sneaked four matchsticks from the fireplace at home and stuck them into position atop individual towers along the ounter wall. Toy soldiers and animal figurines littered the busy little streets in the castle square.

Mine still looks like the pale I'd shaped it with. The brick pattern was crude and mounds of sand I'd squeezed together to form walls surrounding my own kingdom were passable at best. But it didn't matter. I was happy.

Edward looked up at me and smiled, squinting. Little specks of sand dotted his short cut mess of brown hair. He mirrored me in every feature. Only he was clean, prim and proper where I was a mess of scuffed patches of sand and dirt. Any chance that someone would recognize our matching outfits for what they were would be hard pressed to find a spot on me that wasn't the opposite of his. I never understood why they always insisted on dressing us the same anyway.

Even the way he smiled seemed elegant and mature where mine seemed childish and cute. They said it made me look like a girl.

I smiled back with a devilish grin, thinking about the hermit crab I'd hidden in a hole dug behind my castle. My moat monster. He was going to be in for a surprise when our battle began.

We went back to our work on our castles.

I loved this moment. Spending time with Edward made me feel close to him. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be without my brother and yet the knowledge that he would be leaving soon nagged at me.

Suddenly Edward removed a wooden dragon from his pocket and smashed it against several soldiers along the outside of my fortress, knocking them over. As expected. Father had carved that for me on a previous birthday and I'd seen him sneak it along with the match sticks.

"I breathe fire into your guard! Down with the imperials," he shouted.

"Catapults fire at will!"I shouted back, returning fire by tossing a few small rocks the Dragon.

The battle began with a series of thrown rocks and crashed castle walls. I soon released my secret hermit crab monster from the depths to do battle with the Dragon fiend as my men fell one by one against it’s might. We began spouting various banter about royalty, knights, and the law of the kingdom. Most of it made little sense but it didn’t matter? We were just two ten-year-old kids having the time of our lives.

I basked the nonsense, enjoying every moment. But as moments do, and time went on, it ended. The vast kingdoms before us stood ravaged and wasted. Bodies littered the streets, walls crumbled, and I’m pretty sure that Edward had enough sand in his hair at this point that even his poise couldn’t mask it.

We laughed and dismantled what remained of our battleground. Edward began gathering up figures while I collected shells when suddenly there was a sort of jolt in the air.

I looked about frantically; my heart suddenly raced. A ripple in the water that seem to continue out of the ocean and somehow passed on through the physical world. The shock of it knocked me on my back, tossing me some yards away from where Edward crouched. He continued on however as if I'd never moved.

I panicked, searching for the source of the disruption but I couldn't find anything out of place. I called out to Edward but, once again, he ignored me.

There was another jolt this time it was louder and more powerful. It hit me so hard that I convulsed. It came from the ocean. Hunched over I raised my head and looked out over the horizon. The source of the shock was out there; I could see clearly now. It was like something had slammed against the horizon. The line dividing water and sky suddenly thrummed and vibrated as if some large finger had plucked it like it were the string of a harp. The line wavered at incredible speeds causing the vibration to spill out across the world and sharp all of power and discord. The waves were getting louder.

I turned Edward but he still hadn't noticed anything. He seemed to be talking to me, but it was barely audible over the hammering ocean.

I turned back to watch the tide wash up the beach. Louder and louder, the water pounded against the sand until it was almost a deafening roar. The bursts from the horizon pushed outward and force the water against the beach harder and harder. Every splash against the sand scattered into the air becoming waves light that rippled out through everything on the shore.

I collected every bit of will that I could manage and calm myself. Memories could do that to a reader. They alter one's perception, make them believe that the world around is real. The emotions a reader could feel coming from inside of the author's head were real enough but the panic and sheer terror that could be inflicted from a disturbance outside were sometimes just as strong as the events happening within the memory themselves.

I took a deep breath and clenched my fists, trying to stand my ground without being knocked over by another blast from the outside, but it did little good. The world around me was falling apart. There was another shock, another convulsion, and I felt myself being disconnected it.

The sand melted beneath my feet and the warmth from the sun suddenly became a slimy cold. Gravity took a strange lurch in the opposite direction and I felt as if I were being dragged backward. My feet slowly left the ground. I felt filthy, wet, and my bones suddenly felt as if they were no longer part of my body. Everything inside of me turned to water. My eyes would no longer blink, if they were even eyes at all. I became shapeless, formless, and felt like I was going to melt away into nothing.

There was one final boom from the horizon and the pulse that followed came with such force that it pushed me off my feet instead of passing through. An invisible wall slammed against me and I flew up and up. The gut wrenching sensation of falling was still there though, and it filled me me even though I was being lifted. The beach shrank below me. Everything began to blur as I rose faster and further. The very air seemed to collapse around me, folding in on itself and with it I began to fold in on myself as well. Pressure came from all sides. It pushed on me, compressed me. I became smaller and smaller while the force around me grew more devastating, and everything began to fade into the deepest of blacks.

And then it ended abruptly. Sheer torture to normality in an instant. All of my discomfort, all of my pain, dissolving as if I had completely imagined them. The sensation was frightening. And then it was over.


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Fri Jun 23, 2017 12:17 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, finally getting round to this :)

I'll do nit-picks as I go through (but so far there have been very few) then go on to talk about different elements of the chapter overall.

Nit-picks:

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be without my brother and yet the knowledge that he would be leaving soon nagged at me.

This isn't an enormous problem, but the "yet" makes me think that there's going to be something contradicting the fact that he loves his brother. What it's actually contradicting his wish for this to continue. I think if you take the "yet" out and have it as "...without my brother. The knowledge that..." would be fine.

"Catapults Fire at Will!"I shouted back

missed a space

as my men fell one by one against it’s might

"its"

Most of it made little sense but it didn’t it matter?


suddenly there was a sort of jolt in the air.

"sort of" detracts from the abruptness here

There was another jolt this time it was louder and more powerful.

This should be two different sentences.

The line wavered at incredible speeds causing the vibration to spill out across the world and sharp all of power and discord.

Not really sure what "sharp" means in this context.

The bursts from the horizon pushed outward and forced


becoming waves of light


I collected every bit of will that I could manage and calmed myself.


And then it ended abruptly.

Ironically it would be more abrupt if you just ended this sentence after "ended".

Overall:

Character: I get a really good sense of the two brothers, seriously brilliant. But it would also be good to get a bit more of the character's current feelings and why he's reading this memory, if that's how you phrase it. Honestly though, that's just a suggestion. I'll go on to talk about plot and how that helps fill this gap in a moment.

Setting: Obviously you put a lot of work into the feel of the beach, and it is effective. I think something that would be useful for when I'm starting to realise that it's not real is for Edward to keep talking like nothing's happening (I'm sure he does that here but I mean like make it explicit). For a moment I'm wondering why he doesn't care about the fact that his brother is not replying to him, but obviously it then becomes clear. I think it would be more interesting if you took my suggestion though because it would mean I knew earlier on that something wasn't quite right and was wondering what it was. This would make it more satisfying when you go on to explain the reason.

Plot: Overall this is extremely exciting. I doubt I need to explain why because presumably you too are excited by your own story. The only suggestion I have here is to briefly have your character wake up wherever they're reading the memory, a "and I was back in the dark room" kind of thing. There is suspense at the end definitely, but it would make it a little more grounded and give me somewhere to start with for reading the next chapter.

Flow: When you start writing at a faster pace your spelling and grammar tend to suffer. You're almost perfect the rest of the time though so I can understand not thinking to proofread. I recommend going back over the parts where you write the fastest, because you can't expect yourself to make as few mistakes as at the calm points.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sat Jun 17, 2017 1:21 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ dropping by for a review :)

On this page, what do you mean by page? we were still children. The waves crashed against the rocks and I could taste the salt in the air as the wind carried the brine up the beach toward us. Gulls chirped loudly above and around us, hoping for food. The sun beamed down on us, burning me eveneven me, but the cool ocean spray took care of itthe heat. And in my playful frenzy I wasn't bothered by it or the sand clouds stinging my eyes anyway. As long as we weren't being forced to study nothing could destroy this moment.

This was a perfect day.

My brother Edward sat across from me, twig in hand, trying his best to draw brick patterns in the walls of a sand castle. His eye for beauty was keen and each stroke intentional. The towers of his castle were built to scale and the intricate details etched into the walls couldn't have been more perfect. Seashells lined a little walkway into the front gate and he'd used a small piece of wood that I'd found earlier, presumably from some wreckage that had washed ashore, as a drawbridge for his tiny moat. He'd sneaked four matchsticks from the fireplace at home and stuck them into position atop individual towers along the ounter wall. Toy soldiers and animal figurines littered the busy little streets in the castle square. Beautiful description

Mine still looks like the palepail I'd shaped it with. The brick pattern was crude and mounds of sand I'd squeezed together to form walls surrounding my own kingdom were passableThis may be personal opinion, but I don't like 'passable' here. Maybe 'mediocre'? at best. But it didn't matter. I was happy.

Edward looked up at me and smiled, squinting. Little specks of sand dotted his short cut mess of brown hair. He mirrored me in almost/every feature. Only, except he was clean, prim and proper where I was a mess of scuffed patches of sand and dirt. Any chance that someone would recognize our matching outfits for what they were A little bit awkward phrasing here would be hard pressed to find a spot on me that wasn't the opposite of his. I never understood why they always insisted on dressing us the same anyway.

Even the way he smiled seemed elegant and mature where mine seemed childish and cute. They said it made me look like a girl.

I smiled back with a devilish grin, thinking about the hermit crab I'd hidden in a hole dug behind my castle. My moat monster. He was going to be in for a surprise when our battle began.

We went back to our work on our castles.

I loved this moment. Spending time with Edward made me feel close to him. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be without my brother and yet the knowledge that he would be leaving soon Again, this doesn't seem to make much sense nagged at me.

Suddenly Edward removed a wooden dragon from his pocket and smashed it against several soldiers along the outside of my fortress, knocking them over. As expected. Father had carved that for me on a previous birthday and I'd seen him sneak it along with the match sticks.

"I breathe fire into your guard! Down with the imperials," he shouted.

"Catapults fire at will!"I shouted back, returning fire by tossing a few small rocks the Dragon.

The battle began with a series of thrown rocks and crashed castle walls. I soon released my secret hermit crab monster from the depths to do battle with the Dragon fiend as my men fell one by one against it’s might. We began spouting various banter about royalty, knights, and the law of the kingdom. Most of it made little sense but it didn’t matter?. We were just two ten-year-old kids having the time of our lives.

I basked in the nonsense, enjoying every moment. But as moments do, and time continueswent on, it ended. The vast kingdoms before us stood ravaged and wasted. Bodies littered the streets, walls crumbled, and I’m pretty sure that Edward had enough sand in his hair at this point that even his poise couldn’t mask it.

We laughed and dismantled what remained of our battleground. Edward began gathering up figures while I collected shells when suddenly there was a sort of jolt in the air.

I looked about frantically; my heart suddenly raced. A ripple in the water that seem to continue out of the ocean and somehow passed on through the physical world.This is a fragment. "Consider revising." The shock of it knocked me on my back, tossing me some yards away from where Edward crouched. He continued on however as if I'd never moved.

I panicked, searching for the source of the disruption but I couldn't find anything out of place. I called out to Edward but, once again, he ignored me.

There was another joltcoming from the ocean this time,it was louder and more powerful. It hit me so hard that I convulsed. It came from the ocean. Hunched over I raised my head and looked out over the horizon. The source of the shock was out there; I could see clearly now. It was like something had slammed against the horizon, for it thrummed and vibrated as if some large finger had plucked it like the string of a harp. The line dividing water and sky suddenly thrummed and vibrated as if some large finger had plucked it like it were the string of a harp. The line wavered at incredible speeds, causing the vibration to spill out across the world and sharp all of power and discord. The waves were getting louder.

I turned Edward but he still hadn't noticed anything. He seemed to be talking to me, but it was barely audible over the hammering ocean.

I turned back to watch the tide wash up the beach. Louder and louder, the water pounded against the sand until it was almost a deafening roar. The bursts from the horizon pushed outward and forced the water against the beach harder and harder. Every splash against the shore sent sand flying through sand scattered into the air, becoming waves light that rippled out through everything on the shore.

I collected every bit of will that I could manage and calmed myself. Memories could do that to a reader. They alter one's perception, make them believe that the world around is real. The emotions a reader could feel coming from inside of the author's head were real enough but the panic and sheer terror that could be inflicted from a disturbance outside were sometimes just as strong as the events happening within the memory themselves. Whoa whoa whoa, slow down here. When did you start talking about memories? It feels like there is a chunk of this paragraph missing here, so I would try to find it.

I took a deep breath and clenched my fists, trying to stand my ground without being knocked over by another blast from the outside, but it did little good. The world around me was falling apart. There was another shock, another convulsion, and I felt myself being disconnected from it.

The sand melted beneath my feet and the warmth from the sun suddenly became a slimy cold. Gravity took a strange lurch in the opposite direction and I felt as if I were being dragged backward. My feet slowly left the ground. I felt filthy, and wet, and my bones suddenly felt as if they were no longer part of my body. Everything inside of me turned to water. My eyes would no longer blink, if they were even eyes at all. I became shapeless, formless, and felt like I was going to melt away into nothing. This last sentence seems awkward, but I'm not sure how you could fix it.

There was one final boom from the horizon and the pulse that followed came with such force that it pushedknocked me off my feet instead of passing through. An invisible wall slammed against me and I flew up and up. The gut-wrenching sensation of falling was still there though, and it filled me me even though I was being lifted. The beach shrank below me. Everything began to blur as I rose faster and further. awayThe very air seemed to collapse around me, folding in on itself and with it I began to fold in on myself as well. Pressure came from all sides. It pushed on me, compressed me. I became smaller and smaller while the force around me grew more devastating, and everything began to fade into the deepest of blacks.

And then it ended abruptly. Sheer torture to normality in an instant. All of my discomfort, all of my pain, dissolving as if I had completely imagined them. The sensation was frightening. And then it was over.


Wow! This was really superbly written. There were little slip-ups here and there that I did my best to catch, but overall it was very powerfully and descriptively written. There was a lot of action, which I liked, but you also took time to set the scene and describe the characters and their values in the beginning with the sand castles. I made some edits to your wording quite frequently or commented "This sounds awkward" or "This could be phrased better," so in your editing you can pay special attention to those if you so choose. Once again, great job, and let me know when the next installment of this book is out! I look forward to reading it :)

Best wishes,
MJ




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Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:15 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, UFO! Storm here for a review, as promised, so let's jump right into it!

I'm going to be honest here, the first thing I noticed was your grammar issues. I'm not one to go through every issue in my reviews because I feel like I'm cheating people out of reviews if I do that, but this is definitely something you'll want to proofread.

Gulls chirp loudly above and around us hoping for food.

Tense change. It should be 'chirped.'

Seashells line a little walkway into the front gate and he'd used a small piece of wood that I'd found earlier, presumably from some wreckage that had washed ashore, as a drawbridge for his tiny moat.

Another tense change.

They say it makes me look like a girl.

Yet another tense change. I'm going to stop pointing them out now, but you'll need to look for those in edits.

A ripple in the water that seem to continue charade out of the ocean and somehow passed on through the physical world.

I don't think you used charade in the correct way. This sentence is quite confusing, perhaps because of your improper usage of the word?

So far, things seem fairly solid, but this is a prologue so there isn't a whole lot to go off of. However, your writing is interesting... I like your style for the most part. Your descriptions are very unique, and they make a lot of sense. But, you don't seem to create a sense of urgency. When things are happening in action sequences, you want to use short snappy descriptions. It needs to be clear what is happening while also moving quickly along. The end dragged on a bit because you didn't do that.

You also use unclear phrasing a fair bit. It's almost as if you are trying to be sophisticated, but it's not working very well. My best advice is to not try. If you are struggling that much to be sophisticated, then it's not going to work. I'll give some examples of the unclear phrasing I found.

Any chance that someone would recognize our matching outfits for what they were would be hard pressed to find a spot on me that wasn't the opposite of his.

This one isn't as bad as some of the others, but it's just too roundabout. Be more direct. The reader shouldn't have to figure out what you're trying to say.

Sheer torture to normality in an instant.


Memories could do that to a reader. They alter one's perception, make them believe that the world around is real. The emotions a reader could feel coming from inside of the author's head were real enough but the panic and sheer terror that could be inflicted from a disturbance outside were sometimes just as strong as the events happening within the memory themselves.

This one is definitely the worst offender. Are you breaking the fourth wall here? I really don't know what you were trying to accomplish.

Overall, I liked it. There were some unclear bits, but your style was pretty good for the most part. Nice job so far!

If you want to talk about any of the points I brought up, you know where to find me on discord.

~Storm




UFO says...


Sure thing.
Actually, the tense changes are leftovers from a re-write I did from a present tense to a past tense and I just missed a few. haha

charade was an autocorrect of some sort, I'm not even sure what I wrote there originally myself. In fact, I don't even think that word (corrected or not) was suppose to be in there at all. I'll edit

Sense of urgency. Got it. Yeah, I think I'll add some panic through show rather than through tell. thanks.

Onto the actual meat. Yeah. I have a nasty habit of writing long sentences. It's not that I try to sound sophisticated, its just the way I talk and translation it into writing sometimes can be a handfull. You may notice that on your own piece where I reviewed it. Its bothersome, but definitely good to be reminded of. I'll keep that in mind.

And the end :) stylistic, intentional, and actually not quite breaking the fourth wall but its not revealed until chapter one what is actually going on. Ho ho, reviewing chapter 1 will be fun, if you remember that fact.




No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne