Published December 19, 2010
(I'm debating on whether or not to make this into a longer story or leave it as is. If I do make it longer, this will probably be the prologue.)
They stared back at me. All of them. All of their deep, swampy, identical eyes. Their eyes held no secrets, only fierce truth. Truth that I only knew to much about. Sparks floated off the candles and reflected against the surface of the mirrors, making the green orbs that much more intense.
I backed up, hoping to encounter a non-reflective surface. But hope doesn't change reality. The cold, metallic wall bit my bare shoulders. My breath caught as the eyes lurched forward, daring me to try and escape their eternal hold. A frosty breeze blew in through a hidden doorway, taunting me. I could only see one thing; me and him, repeated over and over until the image was burned into my mind. My hands shook as I stepped forward, wondering where he was amongst the glass puzzle.
My shoes clicked against the tile floor, the sound filling the room. My own breathing sounded obnoxious and panicked in my own ears. He was moving slowly closer, from what I could tell, but not from what I knew. A reflection can mean very little in this world. Or it can mean the world.
I spun around desperately, trying to retrace my steps. I only met my own, ragged face. I was frozen, paralyzed by my own reflection. My eyes looked wild, like an animal being cornered. His face was right over my left shoulder, the ghost of a grin on his lips. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the unexpected.
A lifetime passed before anything happened. I could sense his sickly breath on my neck, daring me to face him. Biting my lip, I forced a whimper to stay in my throat, afraid of what might trigger him to act.
After a what seemed like an eternity, I opened my eyes. He had vanished. The only sign that the man had been there was the wet foot prints on the floor. Falling to my knees, I realized that I would have to face him later. Much later.
For the time being, though, I'll leave you with the image of me trapped inside of my own haunted hall of mirrors.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Hi there!
There are so many different ways you could take this start, and I'm interested to see what you do with it. I'd like to praise you for the excellent use of the active instead of the passive voice; it kept this piece moving and engaging and creepy.
That being said, there are a couple of nit-picks that I'd like to point out. The first is the first sentence - I'd mention right off the bat that it's one pair of eyes reflected in the mirrors. That may just be my opinion, but I was confused when there was a guy in the maze later; I just thought there were a bunch of creatures somewhere that were chasing her down or something.
I'm not sure if "amongst" is the right preposition to use here. Maybe "within"?
This seems like a key idea in this story, so if you're not going to elaborate on it here, I'd cut it and bring it out with greater significance later in the piece, if that makes any sense.
This bit doesn't follow very well for me; because we know so little about the character or the conflict, the reader isn't very interested that she will have to face him later, if that makes sense. It doesn't seem like something to cross your mind after having a terrifying, near-death experience. Just a thought.
If I were you, I would just end it with her kneeling, and panting, trying not to go into hysterics. You don't need the little blurb at the end about her "leaving" the reader unless you want to make this the introduction to a film. I would just stick to her kneeling "trapped in her own maze of haunted mirrors."
Like I said before, this is a great start, and your description and action sequence is refreshing and engaging. Thanks for sharing this! I enjoyed reading it, so let me know if you have any questions about my comments. I'd like to know when you write more of this! Keep me posted!
-River
Alright, so, I feel like that was just a beginning.
The piece in itself didn't give me much to go on, it just seemed like a bunch of words. You didn't give the reader much of a setting, or much description to go on, most of this piece was just detail. I'd suggest giving the reader more to go on, description, or emotion. This piece needed both, actually
Good luck
~WickedWonder