Warhammer Fantasy Fan Fiction: Gods and Mortals (Prologue)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Kraulis loomed over the body of the Imperial swordsman. The guard was wheezing and panting, a vacant expression on his face. Shock mostly, which was hardly surprising considering that he had chopped off one of his arms. Kraulis’s axes hang loosely at his sides, attached by the chains that he himself had put on. Blood seeped onto the muddy ground, mixing with rainwater. The armies had arrived at this battleground just before dawn anda storm had started just as the two armies had clashed together. His eyes regarded the battlefield around him. Any normal man would of felt sickened by the sheer amount of mutilation and death, but Kraulis was no normal man. A Chaos champion shows and knows no fear asthat was left for the weak and the mundane. His helmet was covered in the blood of his enemies. What did it matter that more blood should be spilt. He leant down and picked up the swordsman by the throat. Chaos champions had always been renowned for their strength and cold, ruthless nature. This was not without just cause. Still holding the man by the throat, Kraulis reached for his axe. He had sheathed them on his back as he had always liked the idea of these Imperial dogs not knowing what weapons he was carrying. That, in turn, converted to fear. Kraulis threw the man to the ground and let him squirm away, gibbering in pain as he went. He found it amusing that no matter what happened, people still tried to flee, even when there is no hope...no chance of mercy. With a quick flick of the arm and with the utmost precision he threw the axe. It pierced the Imperial’s head, his squirming ceased and his gibbering stopped. Retrieving his axe by the chain he set out for more Imperial dog survivors to kill.

“DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR! LEAVE NONE ALIVE!”

Hey Alec, Taylor here... Enjoy my copied review so I can post the intro to my novel

I'd just like to say, I struggled to get into this piece, and I know why too: you need to experiment much more with sentence structure. All I saw in this was short, simple sentences, with one or two compounds here and there. When you're writing description, simple sentences aren't particularly useful, you need to start using complex and embedded complex sentences to give the reader a stronger image. All those full stops just make the whole story look dull.

Secondly, this piece lacked any assortment of punctuation or interesting grammar it was just... meh, and as you know, I hate meh when it comes to writing. I failed to count how many times you could have used a semi-colon, and I almost went mental when I realised you asked a question WITHOUT A QUESTION MARK! And let's not forget all those wasted opportunities for commas, I am a comma fanatic, but you still need to use them more.

That's for the actual writing, now onto the story itself. The plot lacked depth, and it was slow and stark of any description. It was basically like this:

Man-->Rememberance of conflict (which should have been in another paragraph)-->Dead Person--> Command for more dead people.

Ugh. I know this is an introduction, but there is no sign of what the story is about, all we really know is a bit about the character and a scene that happened earlier, which doubt really has any significance to upcoming events. Honestly, no offense, but I think I could take this piece and remake it myself, and better it at the same time.

Alec, you really badly need to work on your writing and storytelling skills, because I see not much consideration in this. I know very little about warhammer, admittedly, but this only emphasises the fact you should be introducing the reader to the world, so they understand what is happening, who is involved, blah blah blah.

Feel free to completely ignore me, because of my incessant criticisms, but I am trying to help, I will not sugarcoat my opinion, so don't be surprised if you get reviews from me like this. I'll send you my rewrite of this story so you can see what I mean by missed opportunities.

I will say I have taken one thing away from this. Your character has some anger management issues... O_o

Very sorry,
A TERRIFIED HUMAN BEING!!!

Hey Alec, now this is why I wanted you to write something: so I could tear it apart.
Try to take this with a pinch of salt, 'cause you know I'm very harsh and critical.

I'd just like to say, I struggled to get into this piece, and I know why too: you need to experiment much more with sentence structure. All I saw in this was short, simple sentences, with one or two compounds here and there. When you're writing description, simple sentences aren't particularly useful, you need to start using complex and embedded complex sentences to give the reader a stronger image. All those full stops just make the whole story look dull.

Secondly, this piece lacked any assortment of punctuation or interesting grammar it was just... meh, and as you know, I hate meh when it comes to writing. I failed to count how many times you could have used a semi-colon, and I almost went mental when I realised you asked a question WITHOUT A QUESTION MARK! And let's not forget all those wasted opportunities for commas, I am a comma fanatic, but you still need to use them more.

That's for the actual writing, now onto the story itself. The plot lacked depth, and it was slow and stark of any description. It was basically like this:

Man-->Rememberance of conflict (which should have been in another paragraph)-->Dead Person--> Command for more dead people.

Ugh. I know this is an introduction, but there is no sign of what the story is about, all we really know is a bit about the character and a scene that happened earlier, which doubt really has any significance to upcoming events. Honestly, no offense, but I think I could take this piece and remake it myself, and better it at the same time.

Alec, you really badly need to work on your writing and storytelling skills, because I see not much consideration in this. I know very little about warhammer, admittedly, but this only emphasises the fact you should be introducing the reader to the world, so they understand what is happening, who is involved, blah blah blah.

Feel free to completely ignore me, because of my incessant criticisms, but I am trying to help, I will not sugarcoat my opinion, so don't be surprised if you get reviews from me like this. I'll send you my rewrite of this story so you can see what I mean by missed opportunities.

I will say I have taken one thing away from this. Your character has some anger management issues... O_o

Regards
DNX

Hello TyrantOfWar,

Firstly, let me tell you that even those like me who are not familiar with the world of Warhammer cannot fail to be taken in by the sheer scale that even this very short prologue has to offer. By diving into the story straight away and introducing a spectacular world full of fighting and struggle, you have successfully gripped the reader, and in such gory detail makes it exciting to read, and leaves you curious to what happens next.

Secondly, even though this is so, the fact the story starts straight away without any background information to the world of Warhammer may deter those who do not know much about it. Perhaps if there's any criticism to be had here It's to make clear who's who in this fantasy world, although whether your intention was to leave the story for the audience to piece together I don't know, if it is, then fair enough.

Finally, I especially like the tough, no-nonsense text that you have put together for this. It makes for a much more interesting read, and again keeps the reader gripped, so continue with that.

I'm not going to ramble on on such a short piece of writing but I hope you find my comment of some interest and that you may use it for future reference. It's certainly an accomplished and well written introduction to your future chapters, with little criticism to give. I hope to read more work by you in the future.

Thanks for reading