green = I liked
blue= suggestions and corrections

Tyler wrote:Ok so I know this is a little long and rough but I thought I'd put it on now cause I'm too lazy to fix it up right now. Tell me what you think!


The sand puffed a small cloud of dust as Kira's flip-flop slapped down. Ahead of her, she could see the old air hangar. She glanced behind her to make sure Jason couldn't see her and then raced towards the building. Alright, I know you tell us that Jason is her boyfriend a little later but you should probably put it up here.

Kira winced as the door sent a boom through the empty warehouse as she opened it.
Nothing.

With her left hand on the handle, she set her right hand against the wall to be sure the door was silent as she closed it. Even with all of her efforts, she heard echo again resound through the old hangar. This last sentence didn't make sense eventhough I understand what you meant. You could try the following. "In spite of her efforts, she heard it echo through the old hangar."

She stilled, listening to the silence for any sign that Jason had heard her.
Again, Nothing.

A thrill of excitement raced through her veins and she felt chills run up and down her arms and legs. She shivered and began to make her way through the darkness towards where she had seen some stairs on the far left corner of the building, all the time stifling giggles. I agree with one of the other reviewers here it would have been nice to have been with her when she first came here.

She yelped as a searing pain shot through her thigh. Her hands wrapped around the spot as she tried to stop the pain and she listened once again for any sounds of discovery. Why did everything seem so loud when one tried so hard to be silent?
Ok, my thing here is when you feel pain suddenly like this you would normally look around to find out the cause of the pain.
Another jab of pain shot through her leg. Same as before.
She gasped and bent over, trying to pull herself together.
The hairs on her neck and arms stood up on end. A strange sound, faint, but echoing through the place, floated to her ears.

It sounded like… a piano? And was that someone’s voice accompanying the music? I don't know if this technically counts here considering the fact that you wrote this and it's not formal like a report or anything but never start a sentence with a conjunction.
She waited for her eyes to adjust to the dim light and then shuffled forward as quietly as she could, the searing pain beginning to lighten. This does not make sense. When she enters the hangar, wouldn't she have to wait for her eyes to adjust then before going any further?

She breathed lightly even though every noise she made seemed to be enhanced by the high ceiling and echoes that bounced about the room with infuriating consistency. Eventhough.

When she finally reached the far side of the room, the music seemed louder, closer. Why would music be playing down here? She looked back to the door that she had entered by and saw the faint outline of the sun around it. Maybe she should go back and get Jason first…

Well, for now she was in no danger. She would go back if she felt like she was in trouble. Her sandal slapped on the first stair and she froze.
The music continued.

She sighed in relief and pushed her black hair from her face before bending over to remove her shoes. She set them to the side and continued her descent, both hands on either wall. As she went lower, the music became louder and louder. She could also clearly make out the unmistakable sound of a man’s strong voice singing to the melody.
She stepped from the eighteenth stair and found herself with a choice. On the wall, an old sign bore three arrows, one word accentuating each arrow. To the right were the bunkers. Just ahead of her was the kitchen. To her left was the recreation room. She could hear the music coming from the left hallway that led to the recreation room. She glanced down the other two halls briefly before pressing herself against the wall and making her way ever so slowly.

As she moved further on, she could tell that the song was not in English. It sounded… maybe German?
She stopped for a moment and tried to catch some of the words but she could not. Why couldn't she catch some of the words? She moved on again, aware that her loose, brown shirt brushed against the wall with a sound like a broom being brushed over a concrete surface.

Chills went down her spine as the music suddenly stopped and she heard shuffling in the room at the far end of the hall. She could hear papers being handled and a muffled voice. Her heart pounded in her chest as she waited for what would happen next. Perhaps it was some killer hiding out here in the middle of the desert where no one would look for him. Maybe it was one of the men who used to reside here when the hangar was being used. She didn’t know if she wanted to find out.

She turned and began to jog silently towards the stairs when the music began again. This time, the man had chosen a different song and, instead of a piano, she heard a violin. Her breathing returned in a rush and she waited for a moment, allowing her heart to return to its normal rate.
When, finally she felt as though she could continue, she felt another chill shudder through her body. This time, it was not fear, however, it was a thrill of excitement, of danger, and she relished it. As she did when she climbed onto one of Jason’s bikes and sped through the sands, pushing the vehicle as fast as she could.

Oh how she loved the thrill of the moment. She felt that only a drama-queen, flirty, daddy’s girl would run back to tell their boyfriends that they had heard strange sounds in the hangar and wanted them to look for the boogeyman. Not Kira Lively. She would prove that she was brave enough to look under her own bed and not have to run to Daddy for help. Oh, how she loved the thrill of the moment.

She was nearly at the door now and she had to tell herself to breathe. Holding her breath wouldn’t be a good idea. Lack of oxygen plus the fear welling in her would probably cause her to pass out. She pressed herself against the small portion of wall connected to the doorway and breathed in her nose, out her mouth, her eyes closed as if preparing herself for a fright.

She opened her eyes. The light that spilled from the doorway was also dim, but brighter than the darkness of the hangar upstairs. She knew she would have to be careful for the chance of being seen by whoever was beyond the doorway. She pushed her head forward, her face rubbing against the wall until her eye came to the very edge of the doorway. She could see one wall of the room. It was bare, white, with one solitary picture in the center.

Kira could barely make out the features of this picture. It seemed to be an old woman, wrinkles covering her aged face and accenting the gleaming white hair of her head. Two shining blue eyes stared out and seemed to bore into Kira even though the woman’s smile was sweet.

She shook her head and pushed farther forward, her pan of vision becoming wider with each centimeter. The wall gave way to a corner where it joined with the back wall. She continued to push until she caught the edge of a grand piano, its polished wood shining in the light of the room. Four candles sat atop the piano, their weak flames casting dancing shadows across the wall.

She stopped moving and pulled in a deep breath. Why had she not been breathing this whole time? What did she expect to see? It was probably just some old soldier that had wanted to stay in the bunkers after they had been deserted.

She sucked in another large gulp of air and pressed her face against the wall again, resuming her pan of the room. From the piano, she made her way to the right and she caught sight of a chair. She stopped. A coat draped over the chair… a white lab coat. She scrunched her eyebrows. Only doctors wear those… She pushed forward a bit more- Her banged into the concrete wall as she jerked away from the sight, eyes wide, chest heaving. Her what banged against the wall?

What was that? She listened for any strange sounds. Nothing. She almost sighed in relief but the breath caught in her throat. Where was the music? Her heart slammed against her chest. She took a step forward, thinking that she would make her way back to the surface to get Jason after all.

She chanced a look back.

Her heart stopped beating, the breath stopped coming to her lips, her eyes felt like they grew to five times their normal size.

well Tyler i have to say well done on the description and the expression.
...though i am confused why you wrote it from a girl's point of view. not that i question you'r short story but i guess it must be because i have never written from a girl's point of view.
now for the critiques brace yourself i can get harsh!
lets see...i see you have left some parts incomplete because i was very curious why the pain was in her thigh and why she went in the old hanger and "Jason" was not known to the readers. i guess its a good attempt for you'r first attempt on you'r short stories.
all i have left to say.
"I LIKE IT BUDDY!"

I must appologize, I didn't make it clear that this is not all of the story... I don't write very short short stories and as for the vagueness, I will fix that asap.

Hi there! Name's Rach, and I'm reviewing... obviously.

Or, I would review in more detail, but I think I'm missing something with this piece. It doesn't seem complete to me, even though it's in Short Stories. Because it's in Short Stories, I'm going to comment as if it were. If it's a a chapter of a novel... my apologies.

My first question is: what happened to her leg there? Suddenly she's in pain. At first I thought she got shot, but she was fine moments later. Then I thought maybe this was a dream and therefore illogical like that, or that maybe this was some strange in-between-life-and-death thing and, in the real world, something was happening to her leg.

That's still my best guess, given the doctor's coat. But even if that is the correct interpretation...

So many other questions left unanswered. Why a hangar? Why is she there? Why is she afraid? Why is she excited sometimes? Why is the hangar empty? Why is she trying to be quiet?

I understand and approve of some degree of vagueness and ambiguity, but to me... this did feel more like a chapter out of a novel, and not the first chapter either, given the questions about how and why she's there, and how she got there, and why there's a random pain in her leg that suddenly goes away, and why she's trying to be quiet...

I think I'm going to leave my reply at that. If you get back to me with confirmation that this is a short story, or with the news that it's part of a novel, I think I could be of more help. But until then... I'm just all confused.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more use

Rach

Kira winced as the sound

Nothing.

...she heard echo again resound through the old hangar.

She stilled

...Jason had heard her.

A thrill of excitement

raced through her veins and she felt chills run up and down her arms and legs

where she had seen some stairs on the far left corner of the building

...all the time stifling giggles.

She yelped as a searing pain shot through her thigh.

trying to pull herself together.

The hairs on her neck and arms stood up on end.