Tyler wrote:Chapter 1

Rowan stood rooted to the spot at the sight of the performer juggling three flaming torches. The night disappeared by the fire that leapt from his mouth as he blew on a torch that passed close to his face, lighting the market in a brilliant blue and yellow light. This sentence was a little confusing and long. Maybe it would sound better like this? "Fire leapt from his mouth, vanquishing the night as he blew on a torch that passed close to his face, lighting the market in a brilliant blue and yellow light." The boy had never seen such a spectacle. It was rare that he and his parents went to the town other than when they needed supplies. When Rowan heard that they were going to see a carnival, he had barely been able to sleep in anticipation.

Smells of smoke permeated the air along with the regular smells of the market, roasting meat, the multitude of odors coming from the bodies of people that shared the entertainment.
Everywhere Rowan looked, he saw gypsies, dancers, fortune-tellers, strong men, and knife throwers, all performing for the crowds that had gathered around them.

All about the village, people streamed in from their homes and workplaces to see the magnificent tricks played by the wonderful performers.

A square that was not particularly busy, except on days of no work, now teemed with people. The rock-covered walls and wooden-shingled roofs were lighted with torches and lanterns. Tents covered the cobblestone streets. People conversed, shouted, and displayed many different items and wares of their stores to trade or sell. Animals shrieked and bleated and some even roared filling the night with activity.

Rowan stared about in wonder, clinging tightly to his father’s hand. His mother had gone with Cecil to shop in a small tent bearing all sorts of fabrics and linens.

Rowan’s eyes never ceased to roam the wonderful carnival. He hoped that they would never have to leave.

His father, Gaion, walked with him, leading him to various attractions and even buying him a treat at one point. Many tents were lined along the sides of the streets, filled with people shouting at the crowds to allure buyers in to look at their wares.

Rowan gazed around, astounded at the number of people gathered You're about to use ''gathered'' again. You don't need it in this sentence. He had never seen so many gathered in one place. He had not even known that this many people lived in the realm.

Rowan’s eyes stopped as they landed on a boy and a girl, both his age. They waved at him. Rowan smiled and waved back.

“Father, Ral and Aia are here!”
Gaion stared down at his son and smiled. “Well, then we must go and say hello.”
Rowan’s hand tightened on his father’s as he dashed off, dragging his father behind him towards his two friends.
Ral and Aia laughed and clapped their hands together as Rowan joined them and their mother.

“How do you do, Mara?” Gaion gave a slight bow to the woman that stood with the two children. Dark black hair fell over her shoulders accenting the velvety dress that failed to hide her shapely figure. Two deep-set green eyes were light with a bright smile that started at her full, red lips.

“Hello, Gaion. It is good to see you here. Where is your wife?” She curtsied and smiled down at Rowan. Rowan knew that underneath the happy features of the woman lay a deep hurt from the loss of her husband. Very nice sentence that one, I feel a connection with her already.No one knew what had happened still. The man had gone out for wood one morning and never returned.

“She is searching for new material to sew new clothing.”
Mara smiled again, “I must join her. Would you mind watching the children while I am gone? Would you like that, children?”
She was met with a chorus of “yes!”
Gaion laughed, “Certainly. It would be my pleasure.”
The three children cheered and Mara walked off into the crowd. Rowan turned to his friends.
“We saw a man earlier that was dressed in black.” Ral’s eyes twinkled mischievously.
Aia chimed in, “Yes, and he had a cane with a skull on top of it.”

“And he stood on a wagon with the picture of a monster!” Ral grew excited.
“Wanna see it?” Aia stared intently at Rowan.
Rowan nodded vigorously and all three looked at Rowan’s father.
Gaion stared down at them for a long moment and then nodded, a smile threatening to burst from his lips.
The three children cheered and Ral and Aia grabbed both of Rowan’s hands and dragged him along towards where the strange man would be.

Rowan felt his eyes widen as he beheld the large square structure covered in a black sheet with a giant picture of a dark beast painted onto it. He stared at the frightening image. Black leathery skin covered the strong face and long, red fangs hung over the bottom lip

He started as he saw a mysterious man atop a wooden platform, dressed in a black coat with two strange tails that branched off at the bottom. A tall top hat sat atop his head and he carried a short walking stick.
Rowan glanced up at his father with a pleading gaze. Gaion smiled then nodded. Rowan turned to his two friends and laughed. He loosed his hold of his father and pushed his way through the throngs of onlookers, followed closely by the twins, and stopped before the strange cage.. Rowan’s hand involuntarily stretched out and touched the cloth. A dark beast struck at him in his mind. He jumped back, his hand shooting to his chest for protection.

“Aye, watch out for that ‘un.”
Rowan jerked his head around to see the man who he had spotted earlier, carrying the walking stick which Rowan now saw bore a silver skull. The dark top-hat hid his eyes with a deep shadow. Ral and Aia gasped but remained silent.
“What’s in there?” Rowan’s voice cracked slightly.
“Aye that is a question worth askin’ now isn’t it…” the man bent down, bringing his face closer to the boy’s. His breath smelled of cigars and wine and his voice seemed to rasp from his throat. “Inside those bars lies a beast so fierce that the devil ‘imself threw him out of ‘ell. Be wary of that ‘un lad.”
Rowan felt the hairs on his neck stand on end. He looked toward the cage and felt a strong darkness fall over him. Two hands fell on his shoulders, breaking him from the spell.
“It’s time to join your mothers. She has finally concluded her search for the fabric.”
Rowan turned to his father, “Can we watch this one? I want to see it.”
The twins also turned to Rowan’s father and tugged on the hem of his shirt.
Gaion squeezed Rowan’s shoulders. “As you wish. Let’s ask your mothers first.”


The crowd grew silent as the mysterious man stepped onto the platform in front of the covered enclosure. The large fangs on the beast made it look as if it wished to devour him. Rowan stood with his mother, father, and Cecil, the Warrion, the family servant and guardian. The twins and their mother joined them as the mysterious man walked to the edge of the platform and grasped the corner of the large sheet.

“Ladies and gentle folk. Tonight, from the darkest corners of the deepest forest, I come. Where beasts of evil lurk, and every place of shelter holds an ‘orror such has never been known, I have returned with a creature of so black an ‘eart that even ‘ell could not contain its evil. I present to you, Argoth, demon of Baladon, hottest fires of ‘ell.”
With these words, the man ripped the sheet from the barred wagon. A gasp came from the crowd and many people stood to witness that which had been revealed. Rowan, because of his height could not see at first. He could hear the audible gasps from women and children and the men pulled their wives close to them. He jumped and stood on his toes to see, looking between the masses of bodies but to no avail.
Ral and Aia seemed to be having the same difficulties.

Rowan’s father lifted him and set him on his shoulders. He smiled and turned to the twins who were now lifted high onto Cecil’s broad shoulders.
The boy could feel the heat of the bodies beneath him and a strange smell wafted up to him, but he ignored these and gazed at the beast in the wagon.
Dark leathery skin covered the thing and a long pointed tail trailed behind it. Thin, transparent wings hugged close to its side as Rowan watched in awe as it paced back and forth in the confined place. A stubby, cat-like snout protruded from its face and long, white fangs were visible in its snarling mouth. Rowan noticed that it had no ears. He watched as it roared and slashed with its long claws at the iron bars that separated it from the throngs of people and its captor. Its arm was well-muscled and thick like that of a great cat. Two slit, yellow eyes glowed in the darkness.
“Do not be alarmed, my good people. The bars are completely secure. Escape is impossible.” The captor’s voice reverberated through the square.

Rowan turned in the direction of subtle movements in the darkness of the brush outside of the square. He was sure that he saw a black shape dart behind one of the small storehouses behind the seed shop.
“Father,” Rowan tugged on the shoulder of the coat on which he sat, “There is something behind Mr. Corillan’s shop.”
Gaion gripped Rowan’s knees and turned towards the seed seller’s small stone building. Rowan saw a thin black cord whip out and then disappear again.
Someone screamed from the east side of the square. Gaion dropped Rowan from his shoulders to his arms and reached for the pistol in his belt. Cecil set Ral and Aia down as well and Mara ushered her children away from the sounds, behind Gaion.

Rowan’s mother, Tira, went to Gaion’s side and took Rowan from him.
“Get the cart! You and Rowan must leave here. Hurry!”
Tira rushed away towards the place where they had left the cart. Mara and the twins followed close behind, moving to their own cart.

Another scream echoed through the stone cobbles and the crowd began to roil and swell as people rushed to their families and for safety. Gaion pulled the pistol from its resting place and pulled back the hammer. Rowan could see determination in his face. Cecil appeared beside him with his bow and a musket for Gaion.
A roar unlike any Rowan had ever heard split the air and screams ensued. Rowan saw a man fly through the air and slam into a wall not far from where he stood. Cecil looked towards Gaion. Rowan’s father nodded to him and the big warrion made his way towards the sounds. Snarling and shrieking made Rowan’s hair stand on end. He had never heard sounds such as these, not even from the wolves that prowled the nights outside his home.
Rowan stood rooted to the spot as people pushed by him, terror written over their faces. His chest seemed to push in on his lungs, and tingles flowed through his arms and spine. He feared what he couldn’t see and he knew that whatever was beyond the sea of people deserved that fear.

Gaion yanked Rowan aside just as a dark blur flew past his head, a snarl filling his ears. Saliva flew from the air onto his shoulder and Rowan gawked as he saw the creature come to the earth. It bore the same features as the beast inside the cage. Its fangs gleamed in the light of the full moon and three spikes stood on end on its back. Its tail swung back and forth as a cat’s and it crouched low to the ground, ready to pounce. Gaion stepped in front of his son and aimed his pistol carefully, his hand not wavering.
The creature paced, its eyes never leaving the barrel of the gun. They stood there for a long moment. Rowan thought that his father would have to kill the beast but the moment was broken when a whirring sounded from the direction of the wagon cage. Rowan turned just in time to see a blur of cord and what seemed to be stones spinning through the air towards the beast.

Aia screamed as Mara practically threw her and Ral into the back of the cart.
The cord wrapped around its forelegs and the stones pounded into the bone of the right shoulder sending a crack echoing through the square. Rowan looked back in the direction of the wagon and saw the strange man in his top hat holding another set of the deadly stones. Just then, Cecil returned, walking backwards, an arrow on his string.
Gaion lifted Rowan again and set him on the cart in which Tira now sat. Rowan’s mother snapped the reins after Cecil had clambered into the back, an arrow still on his string and away they went, Mara and the twins close behind them.
Gaion stayed behind, his pistol still in hand. Rowan saw him shout something to a group of men that stood armed with guns and whatever else they had found.


Rowan sat at the window in the front of the house, a candle flickering beside him, waiting anxiously for his father to arrive. It had been two hours since they had unhitched the horses at the small cottage and still Gaion had not returned. Ral had fallen to sleep some time ago on the floor near the fireplace and Aia lay against her mother, still frightened from the night’s events. Cecil waited outside on a stump in the darkness, his bow leaning against his shoulder and Rowan’s mother sat at the table behind him.
Rowan could feel knots in his stomach and no matter how he shifted in his seat, his legs refused to be comfortable. Finally, after many long moments, he stood and began to pace. His feet scraped against the floor and sounded loud in the stillness.
Finally, the door opened and Gaion stepped in. Blood ran from a cut in his left arm but Rowan could see no other injuries. He raced to his father and embraced him.
“What happened to your arm?” Rowan could hear his mother’s anxious voice as she hastened to Gaion and pulled the sleeve of his shirt from the bloody mess.
Ral rose from the floor, blinking and rubbing his eyes.

“One of the zyndras came from the brush and slashed at me with its claws. The wound isn’t deep. Merely a scratch.”
Rowan’s eyes grew wide. “What is a zyndra?”
Gaion grew serious and leaned down to Rowan as Tira fetched some water from and began heating it over the fire.
“A zyndra is the creature that you saw inside the cage. They are dangerous creatures that roam the deep woods at night and kill whatever they find. That man had caught one of them and caged it. These creatures travel in packs of three and he had separated one from the other two. And when one is captured or killed, the others find the one who did it and take their vengeance. That’s what happened tonight. Beware the creatures of the forest Rowan. Leave them be and they will not harm you.”

Tira returned from the fireplace and began to clean Gaion’s wound. Gaion smiled at his son even though Rowan could see the grimaces as Tira passed over the wound with the hot cloth.
Ral, Aia and Mara all stared with concerned frowns and waited for something more to be said.
“Those creatures are very difficult to capture, let alone kill. The first was taken by surprise but the second evaded us many times and attacked three of us at once. If it were not for that tamer, I might not be here now.”
“If it were not for that horrible man, we would not have had this problem,” Mara piped in.
“True, my good lady, but enough of this. It’s late and we all should get some sleep. We’ve had quite the ordeal today. Rowan, you and Ral will sleep in the study. Aia, dear, you will sleep in Rowan’s room with your mother.”
Mara smiled sadly at Tira, “Thank you so much. I am in your debt for this.”
Tira raised her hand and clicked her tongue. “It’s nothing more than you would have done for us Mara Lay. Now, all of you, off to bed.”

Cecil came in as the children and Mara made their way to their beds and set his bow against the door post along with Gaion’s rifle.
“There’s work to be done tomorrow and we need you to be awake,” Gaion said, grimacing a bit as he did.
“Oh, it’s naught but a scratch. Be still,” Tira said as she held Gaion’s arm to keep it from shuddering.
Rowan kissed his mother and hugged his father then raced off to his bed. He sat long into the night listening to the muffled voices downstairs and the sounds of the darkness outside the walls of the house, mixed with the sound of Ral’s gentle snoring.

Hey Ty, I think you're converting me slowly bit by bit to becoming a fantasy fan.
This is really good writing and I can't really find any faults with it. Your grammar and spelling are perfect from what I could see, and your way of describing things is also stunning.
I wanted to be at this carnival, it sounded so exciting and alive.
It reminded me of a scene from the movie "Dog of Flanders" if you've ever seen it, the carnival is fairly similar to what you described.
Lastly your dialogue is also well done, slightly awkward in a few places but nevertheless better than my own attempts and for that I'm a little jealous!
Can't wait to read your thriller if this is any indication of what's to come
-day