Published December 11, 2010
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Tyler I take my hat off to you on this one. This was a good piece!
The story flowed easily and although you struggled a little bit with descriptions like you said, it wasn't that huge of a deal. I'm looking for part two right now, it's only two in the morning after all.
~day
Hey guys, Tyler here, this is a finished piece. I've put it on here to see what people thought of it so I think I'll post the next part here in a sec. It's a 6,000+ word piece so I didn't want to put all of it here. As for the description, that's one of my biggest faults... I'm sorry if it's overwhelming. Fantasy tends to cause you to over-explain sometimes. And I would do it first-person but I don't like it much and this is not the main character. Thank you for pointing out that I switch between the two though, I will fix that. I'm glad you like it!
Tyler
Hey, Tyler.
This is an interesting piece. I'm assuming that you may write more of it at some point, because at the moment it is essentially unsatisfying. It's not a bad piece of writing, but you obscure details to the point where it's hard to be captivated by the scenario. In addition to this, a lot of the beginning of the piece feels like it's just there to fill in words. I'm talking about the description of clothes, mainly, which comes across as a bit excessive.
I wouldn't say that you describe too much, but since we have almost no idea of the plot itself, the description has become the meat of the story. There are some sentences that become overburdened with the weight of your adjectives and they threaten to overwhelm everything else.
This sentence is an example of this habit. Again, I don't think it's bad description, but it might be a good idea to tone it back a little.
Another problem here is the integration of thoughts. The constant switch from the third person to the first person thoughts does jar a bit here. It might be worth thinking about writing the whole thing in first person. That would also fix some of the other problems, I think. You could add more insight into the situation, while making it clear that all of the description is a product of the narrator's stressed analysis of the situation. If you don't like to use first person, that's fine, but it's something that's worth thinking about.
The good thing is that on the technical side, you've given me almost nothing to complain about. Couple of small nit-picks for you here.
Comma between "Hey" and "Pal," perhaps? Also, if he's using "Pal" as a generic address instead of a name or nickname for the character, I don't think it needs to be capitalised.
Should "Good afternoon" be inside the speech marks?
And that's all I've got for you. I'd be interested to see what you make of this, if you do anything else with it. PM me if you post any more or if you have any questions about my review. Hope I've helped out a little.
-Mat
The writing is really great... I could feel Michael's impatience, almost like I was there.
However... I have to admit that I'm hopelessly confused as far as what exactly happened.
He was in a bank? And... well, I guess the question is what exactly happened when he pushed the button, and why was he so anxious?
Well, I guess you'll explain further in another post... and, if not, the writing was still pretty fantastic.
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TabbyGirl