“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” ― Robin Williams
Buckle your seatbelts boys and girls, for I am about to take you on the thrill ride of a lifetime as you experience my 3-AM-Monster-Energy-ADHD-Medicine-Induced-Self-Hatred-Writing-Extravaganza about my anxiety, depression and ADHD.
14 months ago, I almost killed myself.
October of 2017 rolled around, and I was kind of a lot of depressed (understatement). Then I got on meds for my ADHD, and I hoped those would help. Nope. Not even a bit. They made it ten times worse. I wasn’t sleeping, I was barely eating, and frankly, I was contemplating suicide. Then on October 6th, I said Hell with it, and I asked a girl I had a thing with over the summer, to homecoming. She said yes! I was really hoping that she could drag me out of my deep hole of depression and maybe save me.
When homecoming finally happened, I was actually feeling kind off happy for the first time in what felt like forever. Then at the dance she and I had like one small conversation and then she disappeared and I couldn’t find her for the rest of the night. I was really looking forward to dancing with her so I looked everywhere, but, I had no luck. I ended up dancing with one of my lads because he couldn’t find his date, either. Truly a shame. Then exactly one week later- trust me there’s a point to this back story, just bear with me here- it was Halloween, a week later, and I got a text from her saying “Hey can we talk” Uh oh then the next text was something along the lines of “I’m really sorry but I don’t like you in that way anymore, it’s not you it’s me. I still hope we can be friends.” I was heartbroken. This absolutely pushed me over the edge. I felt like I lost all hope in myself.
Then I got a text from the same lad that I danced with at hoco asking if I wanted to go trick-or-treating. I thought to myself, one more night with the lads, I guess. Then about 30 minutes into trick-or-treating, my buddy gets a text from my homecoming date asking if he wanted to go hang out and trick-or-treat with her and her sister. I didn’t object because he wanted to go and I also neglected to tell him about me and her falling out. So when we got there she seemed surprised to see me then didn’t even make eye contact with me at all the whole time I was there. That broke me even more than I thought was emotionally and mentally possible.
I decided that night I was going to take my life when I got home. I couldn’t handle the emotional pain I was going through with the ADHD meds messing with my head, and then this... Nothing was going to stop me. My heart was pounding, I could feel my blood racing, pulsing, surging through my ears. But then as I was about to end all the emotional (and I would even go as far as to say physical) suffering and pain, I thought of what it would do to the 6 people who were close to me. I thought about how it would destroy my mom’s life. I thought about how some people would blame themselves for what I did. I thought about myself. There was so much I haven’t done yet, so much I wanted to to. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
This moment, this turning point, it made me who I am today. I realized that everyone has people that care about them. When I opened up to the person that became one of the most significant people in my life. I told her about all of that, for the first time ever I realized that other people out there that have gone through things similar to you. I realized that people understand, you just need to open up about your problems, and yourself and you can leave an impact on others. I hate that everything about everything that happened. And i hate that it happened to me, but part of me is glad it did.