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Don't Give Up, It's Not Worth It

by TyCallen


“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” ― Robin Williams

Buckle your seatbelts boys and girls, for I am about to take you on the thrill ride of a lifetime as you experience my 3-AM-Monster-Energy-ADHD-Medicine-Induced-Self-Hatred-Writing-Extravaganza about my anxiety, depression and ADHD.

14 months ago, I almost killed myself.

October of 2017 rolled around, and I was kind of a lot of depressed (understatement). Then I got on meds for my ADHD, and I hoped those would help. Nope. Not even a bit. They made it ten times worse. I wasn’t sleeping, I was barely eating, and frankly, I was contemplating suicide. Then on October 6th, I said Hell with it, and I asked a girl I had a thing with over the summer, to homecoming. She said yes! I was really hoping that she could drag me out of my deep hole of depression and maybe save me.

When homecoming finally happened, I was actually feeling kind off happy for the first time in what felt like forever. Then at the dance she and I had like one small conversation and then she disappeared and I couldn’t find her for the rest of the night. I was really looking forward to dancing with her so I looked everywhere, but, I had no luck. I ended up dancing with one of my lads because he couldn’t find his date, either. Truly a shame. Then exactly one week later- trust me there’s a point to this back story, just bear with me here- it was Halloween, a week later, and I got a text from her saying “Hey can we talk” Uh oh then the next text was something along the lines of “I’m really sorry but I don’t like you in that way anymore, it’s not you it’s me. I still hope we can be friends.” I was heartbroken. This absolutely pushed me over the edge. I felt like I lost all hope in myself.

Then I got a text from the same lad that I danced with at hoco asking if I wanted to go trick-or-treating. I thought to myself, one more night with the lads, I guess. Then about 30 minutes into trick-or-treating, my buddy gets a text from my homecoming date asking if he wanted to go hang out and trick-or-treat with her and her sister. I didn’t object because he wanted to go and I also neglected to tell him about me and her falling out. So when we got there she seemed surprised to see me then didn’t even make eye contact with me at all the whole time I was there. That broke me even more than I thought was emotionally and mentally possible.

I decided that night I was going to take my life when I got home. I couldn’t handle the emotional pain I was going through with the ADHD meds messing with my head, and then this... Nothing was going to stop me. My heart was pounding, I could feel my blood racing, pulsing, surging through my ears. But then as I was about to end all the emotional (and I would even go as far as to say physical) suffering and pain, I thought of what it would do to the 6 people who were close to me. I thought about how it would destroy my mom’s life. I thought about how some people would blame themselves for what I did. I thought about myself. There was so much I haven’t done yet, so much I wanted to to. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

This moment, this turning point, it made me who I am today. I realized that everyone has people that care about them. When I opened up to the person that became one of the most significant people in my life. I told her about all of that, for the first time ever I realized that other people out there that have gone through things similar to you. I realized that people understand, you just need to open up about your problems, and yourself and you can leave an impact on others. I hate that everything about everything that happened. And i hate that it happened to me, but part of me is glad it did. 


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Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:17 pm
emefalarbi3031 wrote a review...



Hey TyCallen
Correction - 'kind of'

When homecoming finally happened, I was actually feeling kind off happy for the first time in what felt like forever.

Your work is a wonderful narrative and I love it.
If it actually happened then I’m thankful to God that He saved your life. You could watch Jamie Grace Harper Collins on Youtube or follow her on twitter or instagram, she's a musician who's 27 and had serious problems when she was younger due to ADHD I’m sure her videos will be o great encouragement to you!!
But very good narrative skills describing the events and all, I was able to imagine the scenes. The words used were very descriptive. I think you should read more and broaden your knowledge on words like the ones you used in this essay so your work becomes more excellent than this. And I also think writing from your emotions makes you a very good writer and I think you sould try to write your emotions down or make up stories based on how you feel, apparently the best stories are the ones written from the heart.
You’re welcome t YWS and I hope to read more stories from you!




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Wed Dec 12, 2018 6:21 am
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Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!

I'm not quite sure if you really need or want a review for this. I appreciate you pouring your soul into art to share with us though!

Sometimes life is tough and overwhelming, and the actions we take are based on pure emotion; instead of thinking about the consequences of our actions, whether good or bad.

I am sorry that you have felt such pain in your life thus far. I too was a troubled teen and sought refuge in people, places, and things, and desperately wanted to be saved, comforted, and needed. I think the best thing you could have done was to sit and think about what comes after you would have committed suicide. i am so very happy that you did not go through with killing yourself, and I am so ecstatic that you have found someone to confide in. Sometimes that's the hardest part, to find someone we can trust with our thoughts, problems, and struggles without feeling like we are also burdening them.

I cannot wait to see some more writing from because I think you are talented and have a lot to offer. I can definitely see you creating some deep profound and emotional characters for sure.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing with us, and if you ever need anything, feel free to ask. Even if this was all fiction, still feel free to come talk/ ask for a review/ etc.
~Rascalover




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Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:58 am
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tinybookfarie wrote a review...



Wow! I definitely understand a heart break like TIMES A THOUSAND!!!! But Don't worry. I go thru stuff too, and yes, there's been times where I would just want to -you know- die! But, I never was able to do it because, for some reason, I was just too scared to end my life. And I know a lot of people who wanted to commit suicide so I guess you're right when you say that it's very common around teens.

Well, welcome to YWS btw!! you'll find it very interesting to be here. Everyone is really nice!!!!




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Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:09 am
TyCallen says...







"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind