He rummaged through his pockets, pulled out several bronze coins, and thrusted them into the wrinkly hand held out in front of him. The elderly woman who the hand belonged to, took the coins, and in return handed the man a bouquet of wildflowers that was held together in a thin, white piece of lining. Nodding impatiently to the woman, the man walked away. However, the old woman’s next words stopped him dead.
“You best be careful now, boy! There been some talkin’ ‘bout the shadows!” Slowly, the man turned around to stare at the woman. “The shadows,” he repeated dubiously. “What of ‘em?”
“They been movin’, boy! We ain’t alone no more!” the woman shouted shrilly. “They found us! We all gon’ be dead!” The man snorted as his unoccupied hand rose to touch the end of his mustache, twisting it. Despite his words and tone, the man began to fidget, his eyes darting around him, as if he believed something would attack him at any moment. “You’re crazy,” he declared suddenly, his voice rising. “You’re a crazy, old woman! Everyone knows shadows don’t move! It’s just a story! A story parents tell their children to keep ‘em from misbehavin’!”
The man left the shop clutching the wildflowers in his hand, his knuckles turning white from his grasp. He started on the dirt path in front of him, his sunken eyes taking in everything he could see. Trees were planted around the little shop secluding it from the main path. Though, that wasn’t necessary; there weren’t any buildings around this part of town anymore. The only thing close was the park a few minutes away, but it was completely abandoned.
Frowning, the man walked along the narrow path, dragging his feet from under him, his ears on high alert. The man checked his watch and mentally cursed himself. There was no way a bus would run this far out at this time of night. The man had no car of his own; that was reserved for the richer folk that lived farther north. Dammit, he thought, as he lugged himself farther down the path.
Suddenly, an idea hit him. Instead of walking along the dirt path to get to the main path, he could cut through the large park. This would successfully decrease the amount of time he’d need to walk. The smug smile that decorated his lips at his brilliant idea dropped as another realization hit him. To cut through the park would mean that he would have no guidance of light. His eyes traveled upwards to the darkened sky. The luminescent glow of the moon would be the only light he’d have. His left hand twisted his mustache as he pondered the consequences of walking through the park.
On one hand, he’s extremely tired as it is. He’s been walking around all day and wanted to get home immediately. As well, he got these flowers for his wife and she’d sure come to the wrong conclusion if he’d come home late. Also, the main path has lights illuminating his pathway home. However, the park is very dark and very abandoned. The park has no visitors anymore for some of the children who used to play there ended up with the virus and had died. Parents had stopped their children from playing at the park, afraid that their child would catch the virus and follow the same fate. Therefore, no one would be able to hear him if he were to come across trouble.
The last thought caused the man to freeze, his breath halting. Come across trouble he repeated dubiously to himself. What sort of trouble would he come across? A fallen squirrel? He snorted to himself, let go of his mustache, and straightened his back in confidence. However, despite his poised look, his hands were trembling and his legs were paralyzed. His grip on the wildflowers, which had at one point loosened while he pondered to himself, had now tightened again. Growling in frustration, he forced his feet to move towards the park.
The leaves crunched under his feet as soft raindrops fell upon his skin. The musky scent filling his nose as he sauntered through the park. The man's eyes grew heavy as fatigue creeped up on him. His muscles ached to the point where a burning sensation had began to form in his joints. Groaning, the man stopped to take a short intake of breath. As the man stopped, he squinted his eyes, darting them back and forth in front of him.
Unbeknownst to the man, there was a figure far away from him watching as he walked on. The figure moved elegantly as if they were dancing. The figure stopped suddenly and looked at their feet to which a stick laid on the grass. With a smirk, the figure stepped on the stick and watched the man with a sadistic smirk on its face.
Snap.
Instantly, the man froze, ice flooding into his veins. The man trembled as a shiver settled down his spine. The man spun around, searching for anything or anyone. His eyes scanned the trees in front of him before he let out a sigh. Unknowingly, the man had stared straight at the figure whom had caused him such a fright. Damn that old woman, the man cursed. She was the cause of his hallucinations ... Yes, that's all it was. A hallucination.
Tightening his hold on his wildflowers, the man trotted on through the park. The only noise to be heard was the man’s feet crunching and cackling on the fallen leaves below him. He did not notice that the figure moved in sync with him. In fact, he did not notice the figure at all. A figure he would only have imagined in his worst nightmare; his only nightmare.
Sighing with relief, the man realized that he could see the lights that enlightened the main path. Though his bones ached he urged himself to walk faster. He did not want to spend another minute in the park. I am never walking through here again, the man thought to himself. Little did he know he would keep to that promise. In fact, he’d never walk anywhere again.
As the man walked on, he failed to realize that the figure was now only a few feet behind him. However, the figure no longer wanted to go unrecognized anymore. Snap. Snap. Snap. Eyes widening and hands quivering, the man spun around quickly. He froze at what he saw.
The figure was of a female; a beautiful female. Her red, tangly curls were pulled back in a tight ponytail. Her doe-like eyes were a beautiful green, though they were narrowed, sharp, and calculated. They scanned anything and everything around her. Her mouth was curved into a violent, wicked smirk. Her face was thinned, but her body was toned. Her skin was pale and glowed in the moonlight. The woman was shorter than average, but that did not diminish her look.
Slowly, as if to tease the man, the female prowled towards him. Her green eyes pierced into his, forcing him to stumble backwards. Shakily, the man spun around, dropped his wildflowers, and began to sprint away from the woman. His bones ached with every movement and his heart pumped heavily in his chest. The blood pumping in his ears made it difficult to hear, but he could faintly hear a shrieking noise. With a shudder the man realized it was the woman laughing.
Relief washed over him as he realized he was closer to the main path than he originally thought. Just a few more seconds, the man thought, I’m almost there. However, he could feel his body start to give out from the exhausting day. No, no, no, he pleaded. Please! The bones in his legs tightened suddenly, causing the man to tumble to the ground. He let out a moan of agony as his face collided with the dirt. His legs were useless now. Growling, he forced his arms to drag him the rest of the way. Please, I’m almost there. I can make it.
Suddenly, an unknown force stomped upon the man’s back causing him to crumple to the ground. Dread filled him as he realized that the force belonged to the female from earlier. He felt two small hands at his side and suddenly he was no longer face first in the dirt. Instead, he was staring into the cold eyes of the woman he was sure was going to be the end of him. His eyes caught a glint of metal in her left hand as she stepped closer to him.
“Please,” he begged suddenly, his voice breaking before the syllable left his mouth. “What have I ever done to you?” A harsh, brutal laugh escaped her lips as she bent closer to him, pressing her lips to his ear. “You are scum! You do not deserve to live. And so you shan’t.”
Suddenly, she pulled away from him while simultaneously shoving her left hand towards the man. “No,” he shouted, “No - please - no!” It was too late. In one quick, fluid movement, the cool metal pierced his throat. Red liquid oozed out of the man’s throat immediately. The man sputtered for a few seconds, his eyes widening while his hands shot to his throat. His eyes locked with hers as she rose from his mangled body. The last thing the man heard was a cold, harsh chuckle before she left him abandoned and hopeless. She hadn’t walked a few feet before the man’s eyes had turned glassy, his body limp. The man’s last thought was simple and yet complex.
The Shadows move.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi~ This is Desdemona here for a review.
Firstly, I'd like to say that I really liked the idea behind your story; it really sent some chills down my spine.
However, a few little things really prevented me from enjoying this work fully, but not to worry, we'll handle them.
"He rummaged through his pockets, pulled out several bronze coins, and thrusted them into the wrinkly hand held out in front of him."
Thrusted is not a word, I'm afraid. You could have worded this better.
"He rummaged through his almost empty pockets, shoveling his way through the lint and dust to find a few grimy coins which he then handed to the old lady."
"The elderly woman who the hand belonged to"
This is grammatically incorrect; to whom is something you can say, although I don't like the wording here, and would just say something completely different.
Also- when you're writing dialogue, do it like this;
"blablabla" He said
"lolololololololol" He replied with a smirk.
The main thing which bothered me here was the way you changed through tenses. You were past one minute and present the other.
"His left hand twisted his mustache as he pondered the consequences of walking through the park.
On one hand, he’s extremely tired as it is. He’s been walking around all day and wanted to get home immediately"
It's okay, even for a train of thought, to be written in past tense, after all, he isn't thinking in present day, is he?
Let's move on.
"With a smirk, the figure stepped on the stick and watched the man with a sadistic smirk on its face." REPETITION. Proofread your writing before you publish it.
Yadda yadda yadda. You've used way too many adjectives in describing things. I suggest you tone down on that. I also suggest you proofread your text and read up on grammar a little
bit. This story is really, quite wonderful in my opinion, just fix these little things and we;ll be good.
Love, hugs and Kisses,
Desdemona, (Izzah)
Happy Review Day!
This format can get confusing as readers can lose track of who’s talking and when. Remember: every time a new character speaks, you should start another paragraph.
For example:
"Hey, Mark." Daniel gave his best friend a playful punch. "How was the date?"
Mark smiled, his cheeks growing pink. "Good."
Do you see what I mean?
You have used too many exclamation points. Instead of relying on punctuation to tell us their tone of voice, and how they might be feeling, describe it us using words.
For example:
“You’re a crazy, old woman,” the man said, shaking his head at her absurdity. “Everyone knows the shadows don’t move. It’s just a story. A story parents tell their children to keep ‘em from misbehavin’.”
Can you see the difference?
I’m curious. How can shadows take form of a human? And, why did they hate him? You do not mention the man’s name even once and that builds up the mystery and suspense. I loved your descriptions and your attempts to prolong the tension. It kept me at the edge of my seat and, therefore, I enjoyed reading it.
I’m interested for more. Let me know when you post the next chapter. Thank you.
Well done, and keep writing!
Hello TwoHeartedMaurader!
Wow! I am definetly coming back if I see more of this! It's a little confusing, but I'm sure that everything will be resolved in the future. My real question is; how can a shadow have red hair? But as I said, I guess I'll find out later. I didn't find any typos or other issues, so that's good. I like the creepiness of it, it's just a little creepy, but extremely fascinating. I hope to see many more of these.
~Kelpies.