Published February 20, 2010
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139,743 Literary Works • 672,677 Reviews
I like it, and I wanted to comment XD All that BS criticism you got it driving me insane, so I'm just gonna say- I think that this is very... Well, it's hard to pt it into words, but I suppose you seem like you're showing a deeper part of who yo uare, showing others a glimpse of your soul, in a small sense, but most seem oblivious to realize it. Very sensitive.
Wow that was really nice! It seems so real, like it actually happened to you. I can relate to Ian's nervousness, the pounding of the ears, the uncertainty, the second thoughts, Oh the horror! It seemed so real because I felt very much like this with my first kiss several years back, man was I a scared kid.
Great story too, I like how we don't really know how Becky will react until the last sentence and how everything freezes for a brief second before the results. Very nicely done. I even like how you wrote how Ian took note of the prices for the food. I keep wanting to say this is a good story but I've already said it and I'm trying my best not to be repetitive but this was a great story! haha sorry I couldn't resist.
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Hey Twixt, welcome YWS.
NITPICKS
Honestly, I read this pretty thoroughly, and didn't find very much.
Overall there weren't very many obvious grammatical errors. Thanks!! You have no idea how annoying it is when people post who haven't even run a simple spell-checker.
HAD
Throughout this, you use phrases like "he had," "she had," and the notorious "had been." (Hey, at least you didn't do "had had," thats the worst...) Anyway, I find that they slow people's writing down, they make it more air-headish and dreamy. However, since you are writing about a man who is obviously very flustered, this might actually fit the tone. I'd try to rearrange your sentences, though, to get as many "hads" out as possible.
OVERUSE OF DESCRIPTIVE WORDS
You might disagree with me, but I felt that some of your descriptions were a bit too much. Here are some examples:
Take out officious. And, there's a different word for a guy that seats you at restaurants. I forgot what it's called though. You should figure that out and use it here.
I don't think you need "idly" there, it just makes it sound like you are throwing in a bunch of fancy words to make it sound more professional. And calling the man a giant bugged me too... I thought that he seriously was giant and that ruined the first half of the story for me (I'm not the biggest fan of fantasy). Anywho, you should just like describe how incredibly tall the man is; it would add to the description of Ian's nervousness kind of too, if you get my drift.
TONE
I found the tone of this to be really, dreamy, blurry, if you know what I mean. Which totally fits perfectly with the young, nervous man who's just about to propose. You also make Ian seem kind of wimpy with how nervous he is (Yeah, I know, all guys who are about to propose are nervous. But I'm just sayin...) so you should add to that. Make him be a real woos. Hahaha.
Oh, and anyway, I'm digressing, but there was a line at the end that I felt totally ruined the tone:
When you are trying to maintain a professional tone, you can't use words like "sucked" or "void." It just messes everything up. Find a different phrase to use here.
OVERALL
Nice work. I see that you already have 5 likes, which is extraordinary because when I saw this in the forum you only had 2 views (go figure). So I expect you'll make the "Featured Works" list.
Oh, and don't make his name Ian. I have an ex named Ian and he is a total jerk now, he always yells profane names at me in the hallway.
Hope I helped. Feel free to PM for questions/comments. Oh, and to check out my work ^^
Cheers,
Lena
This is the best short story I've read on this site so far. From beginning to end I was completely engrossed. And I love the way you ended it, very subtle.
I have to ask, is this story based on a true event in your life? Did you propose to someone in this fashion? Just being curious.
The only thing I'd like the say is the second sentence might need some revision.
Other than, great story.
tRiCk