“Home sweet home!” I shouted merrily.
I marched into my apartment heading straight for the window. I lifted the wooden pane and heard a loud crash followed by an angry man yelling. I peeped outside to acknowledge the scene on the street. Mr. Felix’s car had collided with another car. Both their bumpers were terribly battered. I noticed Jerry skating on the foot path. His gaze was on a girl who was cycling on the road, laughing at him.
Simon, a handicapped old man, wheeled forward unaware of the kid coming his way. He cocked his head to one side and gasped fearfully. The girl, on the other hand, was about to hit a man holding cumbersome parcels. Simon’s jaw trembled while the man started to shout at the girl who didn’t seem to hear him over the loud traffic noise.
The next few seconds seemed to tick by pretty fast. When Jerry looked up, he was startled. Trying to turn sideways to avoid hitting Simon he banged into a pole instead. The little girl halted her bike when she was only inches away from the frightened man. Still unaware of him, she stared anxiously at the kid. The man sighed with relief but Simon was trembling all over.
A police car approached. I held my breath while watching the chaotic scene. The policeman handled the situation and Poor Mr. Felix was silenced. I let out the breath I’d been holding, feeling lucky to be safe up in my home.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I love stuff that is short and beautiful. It was a cool and well read. Although I stress on scene descriptions but whatever suits the writer matters most. Add some really crazy scenes as perceived by the viewers and walla! Perfect
Love to the only person who understands my work in this crazy world aka YWS =)
I loved this story. I enjoyed how fast paced it was but it was not hard to understand. It takes skill to do that, and you did it in such a way that it all collaborated together and I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happened. That's how I like my stories, fast
Keep writing!!
First of all, I think this is a very clever piece of writing. It moves so fast that it can be hard to keep up with, but somehow you have managed to write it in a way that the reader can still understand the general direction of the story.
Your sentence structure fits very well with the subject, short explanatory sentences help the story move along quite quickly whilst still setting the scene, I like this a lot. You're very talented! I also like how the longer sentences mix it, it just makes the story more interesting to read.
Overall, I really like how you can really visualise this scene happening, as if you were the main character. The story reaches a climax and then is ended very effectively. I really enjoyed reading this, well done!
This is a good story and i understand the fact that it is a short story and obviously i fits the scene, but it can be a little hard to follow. i was a little confused by which character was who, i would simply suggest trying to introduce them all in a way that makes them more individual.