Published July 25, 2009
This is my first short story, and It is really short so viewers I'm sorry if it is hard to embrace the dramatic effect, anyway, please if you like it reply and if you dont reply some tips.
Man in the Mask
Emilia was a girl, living in the shady outskirts of a town called Traliatha, she worked the dirty job of a mining engineer, for her family was very poor and could not afford food, as she heard the sounds of the creatures scattering underground, she would think miserably of herself that she could be so much more. Over the days she would hear about a man who would walk around the town at night, sometimes during the hours of Emilias work, she was curious about him because, he would never reveal himself, and he would never do anything except walk....and walk. One day as Emilia walked to her station, something happened, she and the man suddenly became eye and eye. She got nervous thinking something would happen that was about to risk her life, and her family's, but the man just stood there, he seemed as though he was in a trance, remembering something vividly. The awkward silence ended when he started to walk away and leave her with a frightened expression on her face. Then he looked back and put something into her hand, it was a necklace, with a thread and a British coin as a charm. Strangely, the trinket seemed very familiar to her. As she made her way to the mine there was a soft noise coming from under ground, she ignored it, only to find our that mice had been digging through the mines, causing massive rocks to come tumbling down into the mines! Emilia was trapped, she was being hit with rocks on her head, she started have a terrible head ache and she as losing air fast, she yelled, "HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!! HELP! HE-...!" After her last shriek of distress, she had lost her breath, and she lied underneath the earth, no breath, no movement. Suddenly someone started shredding through the dirt to make their way to her, It was the man who she had seen. Finally as he found her hand, he gently took a hold of it, and at that exact moment, she opened her eyes and started moving again. He pulled her out of the area and carried her through the earth, she felt protected in his soft arms, she knew they would be ok. They got out of the mine and Emilia noticed the mans mask had been knocked off during the small avalanche of rocks. After he removed his hands from his dirt stained eyes, she suddenly had a memory. She was on a boat, and he friend was in the water, as she waved to him, he vigorisouly waved back, but then came a striking sound and the man was forced underwater. She jumped into the ocean and found that a shard of glass had been lunged through his heart, he was dead. Emilia started to cry and noticed a necklace, it was the same necklace the man gave her, it had fallin off while the shard was launched she put it around his body and sailed back to shore. " I have missed you Emilia!" he said, " Oh Robert," she ran over to him and hugged him " I have missed you so, Ive been without love for so long, how did you survive the shard launched into your heart?" she asked him. As they were hugging he pulled out a dagger and shoved it through her back. She screamed and went limp into his arms. As he set her liveless body down to the ground he said "I didn't survive it, and now you shall not either", as he walked away, slowly his body turned to a white color and faded away into the air.
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141,752 Literary Works • 675,685 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well before we get too far here I have to start out by saying this one is currently a little to much of a wall of text here and that doesn't lend itself too well to being particularly readable here. The flow of the piece doesn't end up doing particular well either so I think you need to look into that a little bit here and split this up into at least three or four paragraphs here.
Now moving onto the story its a little confusing in some parts, but for a fast paced sort of singular action scene its pretty effective here. You set it up quite nicely I think, and then you manage to build up pretty nicely towards this rather effective little climax there which is followed by the momentary sense of relief and of course the twist.
The only real issue here is that despite all the pretty nice timing here because we don't really know either of these two it sort of doesn't really bring in much emotion from that particular aspect of things and so I think you need to try and develop things a lot more if you really want to take full advantage of having familiar characters and a bit of a literal backstabbing here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hellooo XD !
!
I think this was really great for a short story.
You have got a lot of [u]good[/u] things in it. I mean, you have a lot of details but not [u]too[/u] many.
I liked it how the ending is very surprising. It wasn't all lovey-dovey. I wouldn't really call this a romantic story. More of a thriller.
But it was really good ^^
Ida Cupatti
Hello there, Twilightzoner! :'D I stumbled upon your story quite a while ago, though I forgot to review it earlier. XD I'm sorry!
To begin with, my favorite aspect of this piece was the plot. I absolutely loved the unexpected twist of the story; it was gripping and quite mind-boggling. I hadn't any idea Robert would turn out to be Emilia's past love, and I certainly wasn't expecting him to kill her! :O
As Irish mentioned previously, there were some mechanical errors, as well as formatting difficulties:
The first thing I noticed was the massive block of text your story was made up of. Reading was rather hard; it was very easy to get lost because everything is one huge wall of words. However, this isn't a problem to fix and I'm sure you've already learned this!
There were many run-on sentences, a bit of comma confusion, spelling errors, and punctuation errors. I won't mention all of them (or as many as I can pick up), but I'll just give you a few examples. ^.^
I think this sentence could be made into a few different ones. Also, the excessive exclamation points are unnecessary, but they truly do remind me of you (in a good way! xD).
'Vigorisouly' should be vigorously and 'he' should be her? :') Perhaps it would be a good idea to use YWS's spell check? :'D
There should be an apostrophe in 'Ive', but I'm sure you know that already.
Anyways, I simply loved the plot of this story. This piece has so much potential - really the only thing I would suggest is proofreading and changing a few parts. =D
Great job! Please do write more~♥
- Nutmeg =3
Hey there! Welcome to the site Twilightzoner!
Alrighty, so I think you have a really good plot here! I really liked it and I'm interested to see what happens, but there are a few tips I have.
So first, a lot of the sentenaces just seem to run on, you seperate them with commas.
You could easily make that 3 more sentenaces. Its a very easy thing to fix.
Also whenever a charater speaks, a new paragraph starts.
Something like that. Also very easy to fix!
Also I think you should add a little more detail as to how she remembers him, or how she knows him. But you never know you may want that myterious air to it, its your story.
I have to say, I loved the ending my mouth litterally fell open with shock! Good turning point!
Hope to see more! -Irish