This is it, Iden thought and smiled at himself in the mirror. This is the night –finally.
He scrutinised his appearance, brushing his light brown hair back. He glared at
his image, a pair of blue eyes glaring back, as he brushed his hair forward
again. All that accomplished was making his hair look fluffy and brushed up.
Not quite the look he was going for.
He sighed and pushed his fingers through the short strands. This is hopeless, he thought. Where's Livvy when I need her... Oh wait,
you didn't tell her about this, remember? He sighed again and pushed himself
away from the bathroom mirror.
He'd wanted to tell her –they told each other practically everything –but Cade
only agreed to go out with him on the conditions that no one knew about it. So,
having been in love with him for the past two years, Iden decided it was worth
not telling Livvy. He knew that if she ever found out she would probably not
talk to him for a couple days, a week tops, but she would be absolutely furious
with him. He could live with that, under the circumstances.
Walking through to his room, he heard a faint buzzing sound. He looked around
and spotted his phone moving inch by inch to the edge of his desk. Before it
could buzz itself to oblivion –it was one drop away from death's door –he
snatched it up and checked the caller ID. It was him.
"Uh, hi," he answered, clearing his throat once.
"Hi," Cade replied, annoyance coming clear through the phone. "I
thought we were meeting at five?"
Dread washed over him as he glanced at his bed-side clock –it was already twenty minutes passed five. "I-I-I'm so sor–”
"Whatever." The voice on the other end of the line was hard. "I
thought you wanted this.. And then you don't even show up? Just... Whatever,
have a good night I guess." He hung up.
"Damn it!" Iden slapped his phone on the desk. He'd been so focused
on looking his best, that he hadn't even noticed the time. He never thought to
look; but that was just who he was. Always late for everything.
I'm not giving up that easily, he thought
as he grabbed his phone and jacket. He took the stairs two at a time, nearly
tripping on the last step. Stumbling to a halt, he grabbed his mother's car
keys off the key hooks beside the door. He shouted a goodbye to his parents.
Before they could even say a word, he was out the door and running down the
driveway.
Unlocking the car, he jumped inside and started the engine. "Well, I
better drive like a bat outta hell," he muttered.
>***
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139,683 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
This is an interesting start, but why does it end in the asterisks? Was there more attached to this before and I can't find it?
Sentences are overall smooth and the piece flows well. I enjoy simple sounding descriptions, but you would benefit from bulking up on detail just a bit. This could also benefit from a little more revealed during the first chapter. As is, I'm interested, but I don't know quite enough about the characters' situation to feel "hooked", and your first chapter should be most hooking.
Here's something small grammatically I noticed
He glared at his image, a pair of blue eyes glaring back, as he brushed his hair forward again. (try to write in a more active style; always remember this) ("He glared at his image. A pair of blue eyes glared back as he brushed his hair forward again.")
Promising job with what's here, though. Keep it up.
Gahh, last comment didn't work :/
Hey hey hey ^-^
Really liked it!. Short and simple, well written and some good description. I understood the characters anguish with not being able to get his hair right, i completely relate.
I especially liked 'Before it could buzz itself to oblivion'. Great description.
I did notice that the spaces are rather large, do you need any help with the layout? Perhaps your not to sure how to use it. I may be wrong, you may indeed want the spaces, so if that's so sorry for being a bother.
Can't wait for more
Thank you :3 and about the spaces, haha that was a mistake yes. I shall go and edit that (and hopefully not mess up too badly haha). Thank you for your comments.