Young Writers Society

Hey Tue,

This is familiar XD

So after a cold read, meaning after a while since we worked on making this, I think this turned out pretty nice. You should watch the end punctuation. you get heavy with the periods at the end near the second half of the poem and it doesn't really match with the rest of it. Also, you should try to cut out anything that's repetitive and narrow this down now that you've had some time away from it.

What you'll be doing is basically syphoning off the stuff that's risen to the top and doesn't seem to fit any more, or that is making it longer without giving it any flavor, [empty calories if you will] and leaving the best of it. There are a few ways to go about doing that. You can either read it again and just take away things that never were expanded upon, or expand upon them and take away things that do not make strong images any more. Personally, I'd suggest you do the first one. Look through this and see what actually makes a good scene of a messy room and take out things that don't add to the emotional connection the room has for you.

After that, you can just break the lines up in the second stanza into more lines and make stanzas in the poem. The stanzas will help you develop an image and overall emotion that you want to express within a single stanza, and the lines will help make it look a little less choppy and help the reader flow through the poem. The more periods you have at the end of the poem, the more likely the reader is to not come back to the next line. Think of it like a runway. If they get distracted by whatever else is on their screen, it's a perfect place to leave because of all that white space on that side.

Here are a few links about editing that might help you edit this as well.

Poetry-Editing Checklist
How to Write Good Poetry

-Aley

Lol you would never get to stay at my mom with a room like this......she been done had a nervous break down. Alright first let me say this poem is put together really well. I love your metaphor and descriptive word....Have you ever thought of music writing, Because As I read what you write I personally feel like you could be a really good song writer. I personally write music for a couple of friends and family and as I read your poem I just get this crazy beat in my head and start rocking, and everyone think I am listening to music when all I am doing is reading your work....Anywho I didn't see anything wrong with your work. Please, keep writing.

Introduction:

*bows* Hey there, Tsarina! Can't wait to review this one. A quick note: I just looked over my review and I realized that I don't always write a huge amount about each line... or, at least, not as much as I normally do. I love your writing and genuinely want to help improve it (in the few ways it can be improved... you're awesome ), but (because some of these lines are short) sometimes it's hard for me to do an in-depth analysis. So, let's get right to it!

Ready? Set? Go!

The floor is a mess.

Books, papers, and little things scattered around like little cities,

each with a person or thing to live in,

clothes, shoes and, boxes

on the bins that lay with memories of my childhood,

drawers, paintings, and stories
overfilling the baskets that need to be sorted,

coins, cords, and rocks
messed with markers neatly next to them.

Memories have happened in this room,

crying on the bed with a monster stunk under to a sudden idea to write a novel.

A collection of stones around the edge of a broken bookshelf.

Lined paper scattered around like ideas.

Overflowing dressers that seems to never to close.
A bin of old pictures, smiling at a faceless camera.

Books, headphones, and journals worn and broken like my pride.

The bed is covered with snot, tears, and sweat.

Pillows threw across the room, leaning against the mirror where I stand.

TV set, the wires tangled like matted hair.

The floor is a mess.

Hey Tuesday~
I thought I'd go ahead and give this poem a shot for The Big Review contest.

I think imagery is one of the most powerful devices that can be used in poetry, and you definitely use it well. I think a messy room is something most people can identify with, so you have a good tool to relay your message with.

I see a few grammatical errors that I just want to get out of the way real quick.

Books, papers, and little things scattered around like little cities,
each with a person or thing to live in,
clothes, shoes and, boxes
on the bins that lay with memories of my childhood,
drawers, paintings, and stories
overfilling the baskets that need to be sorted,
coins, cords, and rocks
messed with markers neatly next to them.

crying on the bed with a monster stunk under to a sudden idea to write a novel.

Overflowing dressers that seems to never to close.

Pillows threw across the room

Books, papers, and little things scattered around like little cities,

Books, papers, and little things scattered around, cluttered cities of chaos

Hey, yo, Tuesday! Strange here on this wonderful review day and I have a review for you!

This is like my first time ever reading any of your works, and I must say, I enjoyed this. There is a few glaring problems I did noticed but the theme and message was strongly portrayed in his. That was really nice. I am currently in my "punk rock" face, where I sleep with my window open, and I have a bunch of crap on my floor. Heck, my entertainment stand in my room has a bunch of blu-Rays and games stuffed in there. Let's get into it, shall we?

Books, papers, and little things scattered around like little cities

Hehe. This is different. Sounds like memories! Nice messy mental picture you shared. Haha! I enjoyed it~ *likes* ^^

I'd like to start by saying that I admire your use of similes. You've painted a beautiful picture of what this room would look like, should it ever be a physical place, rather than one coaxed into the mind through words.

Continuing, I'd like to suggest something. I think that if you changed your word choices a tad, you'd be capable of creating an even more vivid picture. I'm not going to be the one who suggests the new words, should you decide to change anything at all. I'll leave that up to you. Or you can leave the poem as is. Both are perfectly acceptable options.

Happy writing

First of all, I love the similes, they're easy to imagine like the rest of the story, you've set up a picture for me in my mind of how "The Floor is a mess." The room sounds like it could be a Writer's room, which I like that aspect, that it's not just a regular room, it sounds like you took this idea from your own life, the poem is relatable, and just written beautifully.